Opening Day is Monday. Or perhaps it was Sunday night. Or was it last week in Japan?

Regardless, it's baseball season. It's also baseball preview season. Monday, the National League. Tuesday, the American League. Enjoy two days of basking in my unparalleled baseball knowledge.

NL West

Arizona Diamondbacks
With a young roster, standout pitching and solid defense, this is a team that is easy to root for -- especially because Arizona's anemic offense means that few, if any, Diamondbacks are on steroids.
Fun Fact: Despite winning the NL West last season with a 90-72 record, the Diamondbacks had a negative-20 run differential. Clearly, then, to truly be good, when the Diamondbacks lose this year, they need to focus on losing by smaller margins.

Colorado Rockies
The Rockies are set to prove that last season's trip to the World Series was not a fluke. A talented young core of players will help them do that. And those youngsters can count on continued mentoring from veterans Todd Helton, 34, and Jesus Christ, 2008-ish.
Fun Fact: The Rockies set a franchise record last season with a 4.32 ERA. They also replaced their humidor with a Jacuzzi.

Los Angeles Dodgers
Since the beginning of this decade, the Dodgers have had a big payroll and plenty of talent, but have continuously underachieved. So new manager Joe Torre is clearly a perfect fit in Los Angeles.
Fun Fact: Husky offseason acquisition Andruw Jones has gained an additional 10 pounds since last season. But expect him to still cover a lot of ground in the outfield, as he will require an expansive grazing area.

San Diego Padres
Like division rivals Arizona, Los Angeles and San Francisco, the Padres have difficulty scoring runs. But San Diego will still be competitive, thanks to a pitching staff led by Jake Peavy, who led the NL in wins, strikeouts and ERA last season. Peavy also led the Padres with 17 hits, a .233 batting average and seven RBIs.
Fun Fact: Khalil Greene … still white.

San Francisco Giants
With Barry Bonds out of the picture, the Giants are enjoying a new, relaxed atmosphere around the clubhouse. And it will only get more relaxing once San Francisco is mathematically eliminated from playoff contention in mid-May.
Fun Fact: In another dimension that you don't, like, even comprehend, Barry Zito is still totally a good pitcher, brah.

NL West predicted order of finish: Inverse to the number of team losses.

NL Central

Chicago Cubs
Some experts are picking the Cubs to win the World Series, as though the fact that this is the 100th anniversary of their last title means it is destiny. Whereas I feel that this season being their first through 99th anniversaries of not winning a World Series holds more weight.
Fun Fact: Center fielder Felix Pie missed time in spring training due to a twisted testicle. For more lunch-ruining fun, read all about twisted testicles here.

Cincinnati Reds
The Reds are relying on young pitching prospects such as Johnny Cueto, Edinson Volquez and Homer Bailey to help them make the jump to contender status this season. But the young arms will have to get out to a fast start for the Reds to have any chance at the playoffs, because Dusty Baker will blow out their elbows by August.
Fun Fact: Ken Griffey Jr. is set to release a wine this spring. The cabernet has hints of liniment, cortisone, fresh athletic tape and ice packs.

Houston Astros
The Astros are a team in transition with a lot of question marks. But thanks to the acquisition of Miguel Tejada, as well as Roger Clemens helping the team in an advisory role, one thing the Astros do not need to worry about is being vitamin B-12 deficient.
Fun Fact: Kaz Matsui's anal fissures are not covered by the team's health plan.

Milwaukee Brewers
The Brewers have a potent offense, but their team defense and bullpen remains suspect. They think they addressed their bullpen issues by bringing in Eric Gagne. Surprisingly, they did not acquire Manny Ramirez to shore up their defense.
Fun Fact: Milwaukee slugger Prince Fielder has decided to be a vegetarian. He now subsists solely on a diet of Bloomin' Onions.

Pittsburgh Pirates
The Pirates' only hope is that players like Jason Bay, Xavier Nady, Jack Wilson and Matt Morris can have career years and enable them to stay in contention in the mediocre NL Central. Then, come the trade deadline, Pittsburgh can trade all the players who are having career years for prospects in hopes of being competitive again three or four years from now.
Fun Fact: Only 112 days until Steelers training camp opens.

St. Louis Cardinals
After eight consecutive seasons of finishing in third place or better, the Cardinals are due for a major drop-off this season. The lineup is weak, the starting pitching is poor and even stalwart Albert Pujols is a question mark due to torn ligaments, arthritis and bone spurs in his right elbow. Worst of all, the Cardinals lost David Eckstein to free agency and were unsuccessful in signing Wayne Chrebet or Tyler Hansbrough to fill his spot.
Fun Fact: Tony La Russa says 90 losses pairs beautifully with a nice merlot.

NL Central predicted order of finish: The first shall be first, and the last shall be last.

NL East

Atlanta Braves
The Braves have missed the past two postseasons after winning 14 consecutive division titles. But with a strong rotation and a lineup featuring Chipper Jones, Mark Teixeira and Jeff Francoeur, Atlanta could be primed for another massively disappointing return to the playoffs.
Fun Fact: Jeff Francoeur added 17 pounds of muscle in the offseason in hopes of hitting more home runs. Also, he plans to go back to swinging at every pitch so as to not miss a home run opportunity.

Florida Marlins
The Marlins have superstar shortstop Hanley Ramirez and little else. Clearly they are in cahoots with the Dolphins and Heat to horde all the No. 1 draft picks so Miami can take over the sports world. Or they are just completely inept. Whichever. But fans can be excited by the team's official 2008 marketing slogan -- "You Gotta Be Here!" -- which, in its full form, is: "You Gotta Be Here! Because You Might Just Be Good Enough To Take A Roster Spot From One Of Our Current Players!"
Fun Fact: Florida's total team payroll is a budget-friendly $17 million. That's less than 10 percent of what the Yankees spend each year to not win the World Series.

New York Mets
The Mets have taken numerous measures in hopes of ensuring that the team won't fall victim to another September collapse. Chief among them? They plan to have a terrible beginning of the season so they don't have a lead to lose come September.
Fun Fact: While recovering from hernia surgery, outfielder Moises Alou is regularly wetting his pants so his incision can marinate in his skin-toughening urine.

Philadelphia Phillies
The rival Mets added an ace in Johan Santana, sure. But the Phillies acquired Geoff Jenkins and Pedro Feliz, who could both easily hit 30-plus home runs in tiny Citizens Bank Park, and also closer Brad Lidge, who could easily give up 100 home runs in Citizens Bank Park.
Fun Fact: Chase Utley is a staunch environmentalist. His mantra of "reduce, reuse, recycle" has for years influenced Phillies management on how to build a pitching staff.

Washington Nationals
The Nationals scored the fewest runs in the league in 2007, but that total should go up with the move out of expansive RFK Stadium. Now if only Nationals pitchers can convince opponents to shuttle over to the old stadium when it's their turn to bat.
Fun Fact: Washington's new stadium is full of all the finest amenities of a modern sports facility, including cutting-edge telecommunications for players like Elijah Dukes, as well as a recording studio for Lastings Milledge.

NL East predicted order of finish: I can confidently predict that the Nationals will jump out to the division lead with a 1-0 start. And then it will all shake out from there.

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book -- "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" -- is on sale now.