The Giants didn't just miss Michael Strahan's call ...   

Updated: June 9, 2008, 4:03 PM ET

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Michael Strahan announced his decision to retire by leaving a voice-mail message over the weekend with the New York Giants. Seriously.

Bet you're wondering what other messages were left on the Giants' voice mail this weekend:

Friday, 9:43 p.m. …
"This is Jeremy Shockey. You think you can break up with me? No way. I'm breaking up with YOU! How do you like that, huh? You're really missing out. I'm way hotter than Kevin Boss."

Friday, 9:55 p.m. …
"Hi, this is David Tyree. What's this I read about me losing my roster spot? How about this: If you cut me, I'll tell everyone I didn't control that ball on my helmet in the Super Bowl. I'll be waiting for your call."

Saturday, 2:43 a.m. …
"Hey, sorry to call so late. Is there anybody there? Pick up, pick up, pick up. Come on, pick up. It's an emergency."

Saturday, 2:45 a.m. …
"Hello. That last call was me. Sorry. Are you there yet? Pick up, if you are. I'm calling to see if you know any 24-hour, all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants in the area. This is Jared Lorenzen."

Saturday, 10:08 a.m. …
"Hi. This is Grey Ruegamer. I'm just calling to let you know I'm probably going to miss a day or two of minicamp next week. I have to help a friend of mine and castrate some sheep with my teeth. Thanks."

Saturday, 12:14 p.m. …
"Can somebody help me? This is Lawrence Tynes. I tried to put on my Super Bowl ring, and it was too heavy. I think I dislocated my shoulder and my hand is stuck to the floor. Please send help."

Saturday, 1:44 p.m. …
"Hello? This is the Giants' number? How weird. Anyway, this is David Carr calling to see if you would like to extend any of your magazine subscriptions. Wow, this is kind of awkward. Well, um … I got a job in telemarketing 'cause I have a bad feeling my NFL days are about over. So, uh, call me back if you are interested. Thanks."

Saturday, 2:16 p.m. …
"Hello, Giants. It's me, Tiki. I'm bored and I was just calling to see how you all are doing. I'm good. I talked to a guest chef yesterday morning on the 'Today' show while she grilled some shrimp. That was pretty neat. So, yeah, I'm doing some pretty important stuff. Well, have a good day. Let me know if anyone wants to get together to watch the Belmont or anything. OK, bye."

Saturday, 5:35 p.m. …
"Hi. This is Gary Carter calling. Just wanted to put my name out there as a potential head coach in case you guys don't want Tom Coughlin anymore. I am available. Call me."

Saturday, 10:31 p.m. …
"It's Shockey again. Look, I love you, baby. Think of all the good times we had. Come on! Take me back. I'm better than that Kevin Boss of yours! I'll treat you right this time. He's not the boss, I'm the boss! But, heck, you can even have us both, if you want. I just want to be with you. Call me."

Saturday, 10:41 p.m. …
"It's Jeremy Shockey again. Jeremy Shockey … your Pro Bowl tight end?! What -- you're too good to return my calls?! Screw you! I don't need you! We're over! Unless you call me back. But soon. If you don't call me back in an hour, I'm going to get a tattoo that says: 'Giants are stupid.' And then it's so over. There's no turning back after that."

Sunday, 11:44 a.m. …
"Hello. This is Chris Henry's agent. I'm calling all the teams in the NFL to see if anyone is interested in giving him a job. I thought you guys might be a good fit, you know, to offset Dallas' signing of Pacman Jones. Lemme know."

Sunday, 1:30 p.m. …
"Hey, Giants -- this is Bill Belichick calling again about doing a Super Bowl rematch. Any time is good for us; I'd just have to get Tom back on a plane from Europe. I would really appreciate it if you would return my calls. I've left 50 or so messages now."

Sunday, 2:06 p.m. …
"Wheeeeeeeeee!"

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book: "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck": is on sale now.


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