Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson are going head-to-head in a major.

No, it's not a Sunday, with a championship on the line. But watching them play together on a Thursday and Friday is better than nothing.

What did these two titans of golf talk about during the first round of this year's U.S. Open at Torrey Pines? Well, see below. I'm not inside the ropes, but I am good at reading lips from my couch.

(Oh, for the record, some schmo named Adam Scott who is ranked third in the world is also playing with Woods and Mickelson.)

8:03 a.m. PT -- Shaking hands before teeing off on No. 1
Mickelson: "Hey, Tiger, glad to see you are back and healthy again."

Woods: "No, you're not."

Mickelson: "Yeah, good point. How's the knee feeling anyway?"

Woods: "Great, actually."

Mickelson: "#^*@!"

8:20 a.m. -- After Woods double-bogeyed the first hole
Mickelson: "Tough one. Which way did that putt break?"

Woods: "Well, I thought it was going to go left to right, like a Nike swoosh."

Mickelson: "But it went right to left?"

Woods: "Yeah, right to left -- like an inverted Nike swoosh."

Mickelson: "An inverted Nike swoosh?"

Woods: "Yes. You see, Philip, all things in life travel the path of a Nike swoosh."

Mickelson: "Oh. Uh-huh. Understood. Good to know, Tiger." (Slowly backs away, unknowingly taking the path of a Nike swoosh.)

8:34 a.m. -- Walking off the green on No. 2
Mickelson: "Who is this guy who keeps playing with us?"

Woods: "I don't know. It's Alan or Andy or Adam or something. Or is it Scott maybe? I don't know. And I don't care. I'm just disappointed that the U.S. Open went pro-am."

Mickelson: "I know. It seems … undignified."

Woods: "I couldn't f---ing agree more."

8:52 a.m. -- Teeing off on No. 4
Mickelson: "Tiger, this insurance executive, or whoever he is who is playing with us, keeps asking me where our wives are. It's getting creepy."

Woods [to his caddie]: "Stevie? I have tired of this Scott Adamson fellow. Please dispose of him."

[Steve Williams shoves Adam Scott off a cliff into the Pacific.]

Mickelson [to Woods]: "Well done."

Woods: "Thank you. Consider it a favor. And a warning."

9:08 a.m. -- Walking off the green on No. 4
Mickelson: "Two months off and you still look like you're in great shape, Tiger."

Woods: "Thanks, buddy. You're not looking too bad either. Getting a handle on that subcutaneous fat problem, huh?"

Mickelson: "Getting there. But once the fat goes subcutaneous, it's so hard to get rid of it."

10:13 a.m. -- After Woods birdied the par-3 8th hole
Mickelson: "Great birdie there, Tiger. But I have some bad news -- my caddie says there are some officers here who want to ask you some questions about what happened with that insurance executive, Alan Scottington, who was playing with us earlier."

Woods [to his caddie]: "Stevie, take care of it."

[Steve Williams throws the detectives off a cliff into the Pacific.]

10:30 a.m. -- Walking off the green on No. 9
Mickelson [to his caddie]: "OK, the front nine is over. I need a snack. Do you have any crackers?"

Woods: "Going to eat those crackers with FIGJAM?"

Mickelson: "Did you say FIGJAM?! Why does everyone say that around me?!"

Woods: "Jeez. Say what? I was just asking if you are going to put jam made from figs on your crackers. I find it to be a nice, light, sugary topping. Relax, dude."

11:14 a.m. -- Walking up the fairway on No. 12
Mickelson: "Man, I really love Torrey Pines."

Woods: "Me, too. Very underrated. I don't think the Twins ever should have let him go to the Angels."

Mickelson: "I think you're talking about Torii Hunter. I'm talking about the golf course we're playing right now."

Woods: "Oh, yeah. Well, I follow golf about as much as I follow hockey."

12:01 p.m. -- After Woods double-bogeyed No. 14
Mickelson: "Ouch. Too bad, Tiger. That one hurts."

Woods: "Want to know what hurts even worse, Phil?" [Lunges at Mickelson.]

Mickelson: "Owwww! No! Nooooooo! I hate purple nurples! Owwwwwwwww!"

12:35 p.m. -- After teeing off on No. 17
Woods: "I notice you're not carrying a driver. Did you borrow your skirt from your wife?"

Mickelson: "Yes. And my wife wears very short skirts."

Woods: "Mine, too."

[They give each other a high five.]

1:10 p.m. -- Walking off the green on No. 18
Mickelson: "Tough three-putt back there, buddy."

Woods: "I know. My caddie gave me a bad read."

Mickelson: "Really?"

Woods: "Really." [To his caddie:] "Stevie, take care of it."

[Steve Williams throws himself off a cliff into the Pacific.]

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" is on sale now.