Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens is holding a two-day youth football camp this week near Dallas.
The wide-ranging camp won't just teach kids about football; it also will feature Michael Irvin (and possibly Adam "Pacman" Jones) discussing life skills, former world-class sprinter Maurice Greene providing speed tips, and much, much more.
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T.O. is ready to put his campers through some workouts.
8:30 a.m. -- Sign in
Super-agent Drew Rosenhaus will be available to offer advice on whether you should sign right away or hold out for a bottom bunk.
9:00 a.m. -- Distribution of camp uniforms
Select your spandex shirt and pants. Be sure to choose them at least three sizes smaller than you normally would wear.
9:30 a.m. -- Discussion of football fundamentals with Jason Garrett
Come to the main stage to hear Dallas Cowboys offensive coordinator Jason Garrett share his wisdom on the game of football. ("Head coach" Wade Phillips also will be speaking at this time, on Satellite Stage L.)
11:00 a.m. -- Weight training
Head out to the driveway to pump some iron. Make sure to choose a bench that has an unobstructed view of the helicopters circling above.
Noon -- Lunch
Popcorn, corn, pop.
1:00 p.m. -- Arts and crafts
Learn how to sculpt clay into the likeness of a human head. The camper who creates the best face will be selected to mold the next face of Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones!
2:00 p.m. -- Mirror-gazing fundamentals with Terrell Owens
Learn all the basic fundamentals of how to admire and appreciate your own beauty. Remember the three steps: flex, smile, bedroom eyes. And then repeat.
4:00 p.m. -- Fundamentals of playing linebacker with Roy Williams
Dallas Cowboys safety Roy Williams will teach you how to play linebacker in the NFL.
5:00 p.m. -- Dinner
Popcorn, corn nuts, Pop Rocks.
6:30 p.m. -- Free time
This is your time to do whatever you want. Have fun! (But all campers are strongly encouraged to report to the weight room for voluntary workouts or they risk being let go.)
8:00 p.m. -- Dance fundamentals with Terrell Owens
Report to the camp's ballroom to learn how to dance with one of the finest dancers in the nation, our very own Terrell Owens! Dances covered tonight: celebratory, mocking, waltz.
8:00 a.m. -- Breakfast
Popcorn, maize, poppy-seed bagels.
AP Photo/Mike Stone
Hey campers, hope you like popcorn as much as T.O. does!
Listen to the former Cowboys wide receiver inspire you with his message that life is easy when you compare it to tying a knot in your tie the size of a loaf of rye bread.
10:00 a.m. -- Arts and crafts
Build on your sculpting from yesterday to create a life-size bust of your naked upper body to display inside the front door of your home -- just like Terrell Owens does at his home!
11:00 a.m. -- Life skills with Adam "Pacman" Jones
Listen to the new Cowboys defensive back tell harrowing tales of his wayward life. (Note: Only campers who have turned in an indemnity waiver signed by their parents may attend or be in any proximity to Mr. Jones.)
Noon -- Lunch
Popcorn, corn bread, Blow Pops.
1:00 p.m. -- World cultures with Tony Romo
Gather round to see the Dallas Cowboys quarterback give his slide show presentation on the people and culture of Los Cabos, Mexico. Pay attention in case there are any topless pics of Jessica Simpson!
2:00 p.m. -- Speed training with Maurice Greene
Learn how to get fast with the former Olympic 100-meter champion! Camp counselors are also invited to attend. (Cough Roy Williams cough.)
3:00 p.m. -- Closing remarks and dismissal
Remember: It's OK to cry!
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.