Getting to know Matt Cassel
The naysayers already are spouting off about how the Patriots can't win with Matt Cassel at quarterback.
But think about what these people are really saying. By doubting Cassel, they are doubting New England's talent-evaluation abilities. They are doubting head coach Bill Belichick and vice president of player personnel Scott Pioli, the men who used a draft pick on Cassel, then developed him into their second-string quarterback -- one breath away from the most important position in the world! (Or in sports, at least.)
AP Photo/Winslow Townson
Matt Cassel will succeed for the Patriots … or do you doubt the genius of Bill Belichick and Scott Pioli?
Doubting the Patriots? Doubting Belichick? Doubting Pioli? That seems to be some sort of unholy marriage between sacrilege and treason.
So I dug deeper into this Cassel's past. And, Patriots fans, I think you'll like what I found.
Cassel never started a single game at USC. Want to know who else never started a single game at USC? Oh, only some gentlemen named Joe Montana, Johnny Unitas and John Elway, that's who.
In preseason workouts in college, Cassel could never beat out Carson Palmer or Matt Leinart. In the NFL, he often has struggled when given the opportunity to play in the preseason. Maybe that's because, like Tom Brady, he plays well only WHEN IT MATTERS!
Brady was drafted in 1995 by the Montreal Expos. Cassel was drafted in 2004 by the Oakland A's -- a team that actually exists!
Since Cassel entered the NFL in 2005, Brady has thrown 17 times more interceptions than Cassel has!
Brady is a big, rude meanie. Cassel is nice!
Cassel is an unabashed fan of the Backstreet Boys. Whereas Brady refuses to publicly humiliate himself by expressing his love for a boy band -- even though we all know this guy has to love him some boy bands. Now which quarterback do you think is more courageous? (Patriots fans, you want it the Matt Cassel way.)
Cassel has mobility that Brady can only dream of.
Brady is No. 12. Cassel is No. 16. That's, like, four better.
Cassel? Well-coiffed. Whereas Brady is not even virile enough to keep his hair.
When you want a quarterback to inspire your team in the huddle, do you want someone with a nasal, monotone voice like Brady? Or do you want someone who spits hot fire?
At USC, Cassel won the USC's Howard Jones/Football Alumni Club Academic Award, given to the upperclassman with the highest GPA. Look at the big brain on Cassel, everybody!
Brady roots for teams that, like the Patriots, have not won a championship in years. But Cassel respects those who know how to win in modern times.
In 1994, Cassel went to the Little League World Series with his team from Northridge, Calif., seven months after the community was hit with a devastating earthquake. There is no evidence suggesting that Cassel did not cause the earthquake by throwing a fastball into the dirt.
Brady's siblings throw like a bunch of girls! (He has three sisters.) Cassel's siblings are professional pitchers!
Brady has lost three of his past four games against Peyton Manning -- and four of his past five against the Manning family. Cassel is undefeated against the Mannings.
Brady says he is 6-foot-5. Cassel is listed at 6-foot-4. Also 6-foot-4: Abraham freaking Lincoln -- only the greatest president EVER!
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.
