The Super Bowl Blauggh (Tuesday edition)   

Updated: January 27, 2009

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Excited for Super Bowl week? DJ Gallo certainly is. He'll provide us with wall-to-wall coverage all week long on his Super Bowl Blauggh, updated several times daily.

Yes, we know how to spell "blog." But this isn't a blog. It's even better.

And no, DJ's not in Tampa. Why on Earth would anyone want to deal with that mob scene?

4:40 p.m.

Your media day jester, Mr. Bill Bidwill
Don't believe the reports that this year's Super Bowl media day was relatively low key.

Cardinals owner Bill Bidwill kept the crowd roaring.

Here he is on how he stayed positive through decades of losing: "Well, they weren't all lean years -- some years were spectacular." Stop! You're killing me!

And here he is on whether he misses the NFC East: "Yes, a little bit, I do. I know where all the good steakhouses are in those cities." Bu-dum-cha!

What's that, you say? He wasn't joking? Riiiight. As though we're supposed to take someone who dresses like this seriously.

3:55 p.m.

Super Mitch Berger vs. The Roethlisburger
We've long known about the Roethlisburger, the sandwich concoction with beef, scrambled eggs, sausage and American cheese. But now the burger named for Ben Roethlisberger has some competition -- and it's from one of his teammates.

Players Chop House in Vancouver, British Columbia, now is selling the Super Mitch Berger -- named for Steelers punter Mitch Berger, who hails from nearby North Delta.

Let's look at the ingredients of the Super Mitch Berger:

• Two 18-ounce patties of hand-ground prime beef … mmm, delicious

• Sautéed mushrooms … yum

• Canadian back bacon … yes, yes

• Cheddar cheese … fantastic

• Mitch's mayo special sauce … umm, OK

So one has beef, eggs, sausage and cheese. And the other has beef, bacon, cheese and mayo.

For the health of Steelers fans around the world, Pittsburgh needs to sign Cowboys guard Joe Berger immediately and begin production on a garden burger with lettuce, tomato and sprouts.

2:42 p.m.

Tonight's Super Bowl party slate
The Sixth Annual Derek Jeter Celebrity Golf Classic Sponsor Reception: 7:30 p.m., Saddlebrook Resort
Only sponsors who will be playing in the tournament on Thursday will be admitted. But it's probably worth a shot to go up to the doorman, slip him a $20, whisper the likely code word -- "A-Fraud" -- and then see what happens.

Flip Cup Tournament at Wings Gone Wild: 7 p.m., 3114 W. Bay to Bay Blvd.
There is a $20 entry fee for each six-person team, but that includes free Coors Light drafts for the game cups. But if this isn't your style, you can try to find a beer pong tournament that includes free beer and complimentary dust mites on the ball for each missed shot that hits the floor.

Exotic Erotic Pigskins, Models and Bottles Lingerie Party: 11 p.m., Ellessbee Studios
I really doubt anyone is into football, scantily clad women and beer -- I mean, it seems like a pretty narrow demographic they're going after. But, hey, if you are, go here for more information.

1:19 p.m.

Interviewing James Harrison
NFL Defensive Player of the Year James Harrison laid down the law with reporters at media day:

"If you ask me how it feels, I'm going to say 'It feels good' or 'It feels great.' If you ask me a yes or no question, you're going to get a yes or no answer. If you want me to elaborate on something, you've got to ask me a question that I can elaborate on."

Perhaps Harrison's directions could be characterized as condescending or bullying. But at least they prevented an exchange like this:

Reporter: "How does it feel to be here?"

Harrison: "It feels good."

Reporter: "Can you elaborate on that?"

Harrison: "No."

Reporter: "How does it feel not to elaborate on that?"

Harrison: "It feels great."

Reporter: "Thank you for your time."

Harrison: "That's not even an interrogative sentence."

12:40 p.m.

Get to know the Pittsburgh Steelers
From the Steelers' media guide …

FACT: Six of offensive tackle Max Starks' relatives played in the NFL.

(Possible) FACT: The annual Starks Family Turkey Bowl has a higher level of play than the annual Detroit Lions Thanksgiving Day game.

FACT: Fullback Carey Davis graduated from the University of Illinois with a degree in leisure studies/sport management.

(Possible) FACT: Carey Davis minored in fantasy football.

FACT: Running back Mewelde Moore was drafted in the fourth round of the 2000 MLB draft by the San Diego Padres and played three summers for the organization.

(Possible) FACT: Mewelde Moore is the best baseball player in Pittsburgh.

FACT: Backup quarterback Dennis Dixon was drafted in the 20th round (591st overall) of the 2003 MLB draft by the Cincinnati Reds.

(Possible) FACT: Dennis Dixon is the second-best baseball player in Pittsburgh.

FACT: Linebacker Larry Foote is from Detroit.

(Possible) FACT: Former Steelers running back Jerome Bettis is from Detroit.

11:28 a.m.

Cardinals' media day
The Cardinals' media availability is in the books, and the consensus seems to be that media turnout is very low this season. Must be the economy.

Or maybe the Cardinals aren't high profile enough to bring in the crowds. I have no idea.

But it's actually good that there is a bit of a letdown from last year. I don't want to even imagine what could top the tale of a lineman castrating sheep with his teeth.

10:01 a.m.

Suggested media day questions
For Anquan Boldin, WR, Cardinals: "Can you please create a distraction right now? I would like to pickpocket this guy standing next to me."

For Mike Tomlin, head coach, Steelers: "Who have you modeled your career after the most: Tony Dungy, or the puffy shirt episode of 'Seinfeld'?"

For Larry Zierlein, offensive line coach, Steelers: "How can I get on your e-mail list?"

For Santonio Holmes, WR, Steelers: "Larry Fitzgerald is considered the best at 'high-pointing' the ball. How high can you get?"

For Matt Leinart, QB, Cardinals: "You were humiliated on national television at the 2006 draft, dropping all the way to the 10th pick. Now that you are in the Super Bowl, do you feel vindicated?"

Actually, this is stupid. The only way to stand out at media day now is to ask legitimate football questions.

"Hey, everybody! This guy over here is asking about football. Can you believe it? Football! At the Super Bowl! Is that wacky or what? He's the wackiest!"

8:48 a.m.

That's where they get you
So I decided to look into purchasing a ticket to the big game. But someone of my refined tastes will not sit among the proletariat. No, I looked into purchasing a luxury box.

First stop? StubHub. There I found a 16-person luxury suite available for the low, low price of $101,140.00. But it's at the 20-yard line … and includes only three parking passes. Unacceptable. Even my smaller stretch Hummer probably would fill all three spots!

So I decided to check out another online ticket broker: TicketsNow.com. And that's where I found it: a 36-person luxury suite, with catered food and an open bar stocked with beer and wine. All for just $197,800.00. With a $14.95 shipping cost. Oh, and a $29,670.00 service charge. (Yes, seriously.)

They take Visa, MasterCard, American Express, JCB and Discover. Thankfully, I have a $230,000 credit limit on all of them.

Mike Tomlin is mad? Genius?
Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said he wants his team to have fun this week. "It is my goal to embrace all that comes with being in the Super Bowl."

As such, Tomlin implemented no curfew for his team Monday night. The players have only a 1 a.m. curfew Tuesday night and an 11 p.m. curfew the night before the game.

"He just wants us to enjoy this time," defensive end Brett Keisel told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. "We've worked hard for a long time to get to this point, and to come down and not to be able to enjoy it and not have a good time would be defeating the purpose. You can enjoy putting shorts on and flip-flops, and you can enjoy the beach. There are new places, new faces to see, and it's just a good time."

In light of Tomlin's approach, let me be the first to go on the record.

If the Steelers win: "In just his second year as a head coach in the NFL, Mike Tomlin already has shown he is among the elite in his profession. By treating his players like grown men and allowing them to enjoy the atmosphere and nightlife of the Super Bowl, they came out loose Sunday and executed the game plan to perfection. And now, Pittsburgh has a record six Super Bowl wins."

But if the Steelers lose: "In only his second year as a head coach in the NFL, Mike Tomlin showed he still has a long way to go to be considered among the elite in his profession. By treating his players like big children and allowing them to get caught up in the atmosphere and nightlife of the Super Bowl, they came out unfocused Sunday, unable to execute the game plan. And so Pittsburgh blew its shot at a record sixth Super Bowl win."

Previous Super Bowl Blauggh editions: Monday

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.


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