The completely uninformed mock draft
Another mock draft? Yes. That's right.
But my mock draft is better than all the others because I have no connections with anyone in the NFL and have never taken the time to make even one phone call about an available player or team.
That means my mock draft isn't full of misinformation fed to me by team personnel hoping to confuse their rivals. And I haven't been duped by any player agents or representatives insisting this or that team is high on their clients, hoping I'll run with the rumor and raise the player's draft stock.
1. Detroit Lions: Matthew Stafford, QB, Georgia
The Lions have agonized over this selection. And who can blame them? But they shouldn't overthink it. It's not as though having the No. 1 overall pick is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. They're the Lions.
2. St. Louis Rams: Jason Smith, OT, Baylor
In 2008, the Rams had the No. 2 overall pick and desperately wanted to take Michigan OT Jake Long. But the Dolphins took Long first. So now the Rams will settle for Smith as their tackle of the future. Hopefully they won't try to dress him up to look like Long. That would be weird.
3. Kansas City Chiefs: Aaron Curry, LB, Wake Forest
Curry is regarded as the best player in the draft. So the Chiefs are lucky to get him at No. 3. And to think we all thought the Chiefs blew their draft by winning those two games this past season.
4. Seattle Seahawks: Mark Sanchez, QB, USC
Matt Hasselbeck still has a few years left in him, but he has the kind of personality that would make him a great mentor to a young quarterback. In fact, there already is video of him teaching the Seattle playbook to Sanchez and Matthew Stafford.
5. Cleveland Browns: Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech
With Kellen Winslow gone and Donte Stallworth in some legal trouble, the Browns need more offensive weapons. And Crabtree is the surest bet on the board. Just imagine the Browns with Crabtree on one side of the field and Braylon Edwards on the other. Now that Crabtree's leg cast is off, they just need Edwards to remove the hard casts on his hands and they'll be unstoppable.
6. Cincinnati Bengals: Eugene Monroe, OT, Virginia
The Bengals have three options. They could keep this pick. They could trade down. Or, if they really want to make a splash, they could package the No. 6 pick with disgruntled wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco and probably get absolutely zero interest. So, yeah, I guess it's really just two options.
7. Oakland Raiders: Jeremy Maclin, WR, Missouri
Michael Crabtree of Texas Tech might be the best receiver in the draft, but Al Davis loves speed, and Maclin is one of the fastest receivers available. Just watch him play, and you'll see. Or watch the draft and see him race out of the room crying when he finds out he has been drafted by the Oakland Raiders.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars: B.J. Raji, DT, Boston College
Sports Illustrated reported earlier this month that Raji had flunked a drug test, and his stock subsequently dropped. But now SI says it messed up and regrets the error. The Packers have been waiting 20 years for a similar apology.
9. Green Bay Packers: Andre Smith, OT, Alabama
Smith is a great fit in Green Bay. The Packers need help along the offensive line to protect franchise quarterback Aaron Rodgers. And, more importantly, Green Bay's cold weather ensures Smith will never be shirtless.
10. San Francisco 49ers: Michael Oher, OT, Mississippi
The 49ers also need help along the line, and if San Francisco selects Oher, he will be the fourth offensive tackle taken in the first 10 picks -- a surprisingly wise string of drafting by some of the NFL's worst franchises. But do not fear. Coming in the second round: ridiculous reaches, punters and guys with multiple felony convictions. Yay!
11. Buffalo Bills: Brian Orakpo, DE/OLB, Texas
Orakpo is a physical specimen who can bench 515 pounds and squat 600. But he'll need a veteran mentor if he ever hopes to take it to the next level and do all that in his driveway.
12. Denver Broncos: Tyson Jackson, DE, LSU
The Broncos will be ecstatic if Mark Sanchez falls to them here. If he doesn't, Denver might shop this pick. Hopefully the No. 12 spot's feelings won't be hurt as easily as Jay Cutler's.
13. Washington Redskins: Aaron Maybin, DE, Penn State
Redskins owner Dan Snyder desperately wants Mark Sanchez, but Sanchez won't last this long. So Washington will address a need along the defensive line by picking a defensive end who played against Sanchez in the USC quarterback's final college game. Then Snyder will sniff Maybin all over.
14. New Orleans Saints: Chris "Beanie" Wells, RB, Saints
With Deuce McAllister gone, the Saints will consider a running back. Wells provides good value here as someone who can split carries, and injuries, with Reggie Bush.
15. Houston Texans: Clay Matthews, LB, USC
Bruce Matthews, Clay's uncle, recently was hired as a Texans assistant coach. So they probably will keep it in the family and select the nephew with the 15th pick. Texans fans probably will wish they had hired Rey Maualuga's uncle instead.
16. San Diego Chargers: Malcolm Jenkins, CB, Ohio State
Jenkins is a talented but slow cornerback. That's not a problem for the Chargers. They need a safety and can move Jenkins there. Then maybe later they will select a needlessly fast safety to play cornerback.
17. New York Jets: Josh Freeman, QB, Kansas State
New coach Rex Ryan insists the Jets can win with Kellen Clemens, Erik Ainge or Brett Ratliff at quarterback. He also believes this is a nice sweater.
18. Denver Broncos: Brian Cushing, LB, USC
With LSU's Tyson Jackson already in the fold, the Broncos will be looking to add more players who can punish the opposing quarterback. That Aug. 30 preseason game against the Bears requires such an approach.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Peria Jerry, DT, Mississippi
The Bucs must infuse some youth into an aging defense. So the big Mississippi defensive tackle is the pick here. The only fear for Tampa with Peria Jerry is that, for a rapidly aging team, the guy's name sure sounds a lot like "progeria."
20. Detroit Lions: Robert Ayers, DE, Tennessee
Having addressed the offense with Matthew Stafford at the top of the draft, the Lions now can go for defense with Ayers. The 275-pounder will add beef to a Detroit front seven that desperately needs an upgrade to match the intensity of the team's new betoothed logo.
21. Philadelphia Eagles: Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia
Moreno is a quick, elusive, powerful runner who can run inside or outside, level a defender with a strong stiff arm, or jump over the pile at the goal line. The ways the Eagles' offense can underuse him are almost limitless.
22. Minnesota Vikings: Eben Britton, OT, Arizona
The Vikings have plenty of good options here: Britton, several wide receivers and top remaining cornerback Vontae Davis. If they have trouble making a decision, maybe they can just let their allotted selection time elapse, allowing a few teams behind them to take some players off the board, then pick whoever is left over.
23. New England Patriots: Rey Maualuga, LB, USC
Bill Belichick likes to sign ancient Junior Seau every year. Now he can have a player many NFL scouts have said is a mix between a young Seau and Troy Polamalu. Whereas I say many NFL scouts are a mix between uncreative and lazy.
24. Atlanta Falcons: Everette Brown, DE, Florida State
In the first round in 2008, all the Falcons got was an instant star who will be the face of the franchise for the next 10 to 15 years. No pressure or anything, new pick.
25. Miami Dolphins: Vontae Davis, CB, Illinois
Bill Parcells loves defense, and the Dolphins would do well here to pick Davis, perhaps the best cornerback in the draft. But considering that Miami plays in a division that features Brett Favre's scorched earth in New York, the emotional wreck that Trent Edwards soon will become in Buffalo and wobbly-kneed Tom Bundchen in New England, perhaps drafting pass coverage is a bit of a wasted pick.
26. Baltimore Ravens: Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR, Maryland
The Ravens want to get Joe Flacco some weapons, and Heyward-Bey is a fast, talented receiver with local roots. He went to school at Maryland and grew up in Owings Mills -- home of Baltimore's practice facility. No doubt he grew up dreaming of one day playing for the Ravens except that he is a wide receiver, so there is no possible way he grew up dreaming of one day playing for the Ravens.
27. Indianapolis Colts: Hakeem Nicks, WR, UNC
Nicks will step in and immediately replace Marvin Harrison in Indianapolis. (Notice what I did there, kids. I made a statement that sounds like a bold prediction. But do I mean Nicks will step in and immediately produce like a Hall of Famer? Or that he will merely replace Harrison on the roster? Who can say? All I know is that I'll be right either way. Vagueness: the secret of any great draft prognosticator.)
28. Buffalo Bills: Brandon Pettigrew, TE, Oklahoma State
Tight end is a position the Bills need to address, and Pettigrew is the best tight end in the draft. Now the race is on to see how quickly Pettigrew can develop a special rapport with Trent Edwards that will fill Terrell Owens with jealousy.
29. New York Giants: Percy Harvin, WR, Florida
With Plaxico Burress gone, the Giants desperately need a new big-play receiver. And Harvin makes big plays. The downside is that, like Burress, the Florida star could be a distraction because of discipline problems. Even worse, I've uncovered a photo that shows Harvin wearing sweatpants and limping.
30. Tennessee Titans: Kenny Britt, WR, Rutgers
Britt probably won't be happy to have fallen this far. But stay cool, Britt, stay cool.
31. Arizona Cardinals: Donald Brown, RB, UConn
The Cardinals are fortunate to get their running back of the future this late in the selection process. This is a team that's used to picking early. Usually by this time in the draft, they already have made a pick and are several hours into a lowball contract negotiation.
32. Pittsburgh Steelers: ???
I have no idea what might happen here. The Steelers have a tendency to trade up to take an impact player they really want. And that would be devastating. To me. And to my fellow draft prognosticators. Please, if there are any NFL personnel executives reading this, please, please, please do not make any trades. You'll mess up the draft order, rendering all the work we did in the past three months of our mock-draft-filled lives completely worthless. Please! We beg you! A single trade ruins lives.
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.