Be vigilant for sports acronyms
"Sexting." The act of sending sexually explicit messages via cell phone or Internet chat.
Chances are your child is doing it right now. (Or chances are you are doing it right now, which could lead to you creating a child who will grow up to do it.)
Teenagers use myriad acronyms and abbreviations while sexting. Most parents have no idea what they mean and neither do I. Because I'm not too concerned about sexting. I'm more worried about what sort of harmful sports-related dialogue your child may be engaging in.
You must be vigilant to protect them!
Here are sports acronyms every parent MUST KNOW!
VORP: Value Over Replacement Player
This is a very advanced statistic used in baseball. Be concerned: Your child has likely been in repeated contact with adult sabermetricians -- an often-awkward, socially backward lot -- either online or in person. Worst of all, his or her childlike enjoyment of baseball has been forever tainted.
E-6: Error on the shortstop
This could also be E-1, E-2, E-3, E-4, E-5, E-7, E-8 or E-9. Your child has likely been watching a Washington Nationals game. Make sure to monitor his television use more closely in the future. You have no idea of the horrors his impressionable young mind has absorbed.
BCS: Bowl Championship Series
This is the postseason, non-playoff format used in what was formerly called Division I-A college football. If you notice your child using this term, ask him about the BCS. If he thinks it is a good idea, your child has a serious mental or cognitive disability. You should immediately enlist him in remedial classes at school.
A common sexting term for introductions. Or a college recruiter or professional scout may be trying to gather some information for a possible offer. Congratulations!
A-Rod: Alex Rodriguez
Alex Rodriguez is a baseball player linked to drug use and a longtime corrupter of teens, Madonna. He is obviously not the kind of person you want your child talking about on the Internets or World Wide Webs!
HOF or HOFer: Hall of Fame/Hall of Famer
Your child is likely chatting about the merits of a player or players for future induction into a sport's Hall of Fame. This is a discussion with no correct answer, and it's one that never really ends. It's quite tiresome, actually. There is no real imminent danger to your child's safety. He's just becoming boring. Sorry.
SAT: Scholastic Aptitude Test
Your child may be trying to get into college, or he may have been contacted by a John Calipari representative to help him cheat on his SAT. Confront your child and alert the NCAA.
FIFA: Federation Internationale de Football Association
Your child is into international soccer: the world's game, the beautiful game. Your child may hate America.
DH: Designated hitter
The DH is a batter who hits for the pitcher under American League baseball rules. Your child is addicted to offense and scoring. You may notice he also tends to stare at shiny things. He likely has no attention span. Sit him down and explain to him the intricacies of National League baseball and how most American League managers could be replaced by chimpanzees. Or robots. Or chimpanzee robots. See, now you got his attention.
AK-47: A type of assault rifle/Andrei Kirilenko's nickname
If it's the former, be guarded: Your child could be trying to acquire a weapon. Nothing good can come of that. If it's the latter, your child may be a Utah Jazz fan. Nothing good can come of that, either.
UFC: Ultimate Fighting Championship
Your child is a fan of mixed martial arts. Make sure he isn't charging your credit card for $50 pay-per-view fights.
KG: Kevin Garnett
If your child has been using "KG", you may have noticed some overly intense behavior: screaming each time he fires off a chat reply; pounding his chest after successfully completing an e-mail. Annoying, huh? You're going to want to put a stop to this. It only gets more annoying.
Overtimes are played in sports when the score is tied at the end of regulation. Outside of possibly keeping your child up past his bedtime, OTs are not a major worry. Be concerned if your child inverts it and uses the term T.O. Be very concerned.
EA: Electronic Arts or Erin Andrews
Electronic Arts is the maker of popular video-game franchises such as "Madden" and "NCAA Football." Erin Andrews is a sideline reporter. Use of "EA" in either regard means your child's focus has started to stray from the field of play. Snap him into shape! If you want your child to earn a college scholarship or professional contract, loss of focus cannot be tolerated. A childhood is only so long.
Clippers or Lions
These are the names of the worst franchises in professional sports. If your son or daughter is making fun of them, fine. But if he or she is in any way showing affection toward either of these teams, it is time for an immediate intervention. Your child's future happiness is at stake!
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.