Miami's sound and fury machine
Gloria Estefan owns a share of the Dolphins. Marc Anthony does, too. And Jimmy Buffett is a major business partner.
Now, reportedly, Venus and Serena Williams have joined the team, giving the Dolphins the most star-studded ownership group in all of sports.
That sounds great. But what if all these celebrities decide to start meddling in the team's affairs, à la Dan Snyder or Jerry Jones?
The Dolphins open with a very tough schedule this season -- Falcons, Colts, Chargers -- and could very easily start 0-3 paving the way for the owners to butt in.
Scene: Bill Parcells' office. A knock at the door.
Bill Parcells: Come in.
Gloria Estefan: Hola, Senor Bill.
Parcells: Oh, hello uh, I'm sorry. I forget your name.
Estefan: It's Gloria. Gloria Estefan.
Parcells: Right. Sorry. So what do you want? I'm kind of busy.
Estefan: Well, the ownership group is not happy with our poor start and we have some ideas we want to run by you. Gang?
(Jimmy Buffett, Marc Anthony and the Williams sisters enter.)
Parcells: Do I have to do this now?
Estefan: We are your bosses, Senor Bill.
Parcells: Fine. Whatever. Shoot. But do you know anything about football?
Estefan: We know about success, Senor Bill. That is universal.
Parcells: OK. I'll hear you out.
Estefan: Idea numero uno: pyrotechnics.
Estefan: Yes, pyrotechnics. I used to use them with the Miami Sound Machine, and they covered up a lot of flaws. It didn't matter if we were out of tune or missing notes: The audience's attention was drawn to the smoke and the fire.
Parcells: So how would that help me?
Estefan: Maybe to distract the other team from our bad play or that our quarterback is Chad Pennington, we use pyrotechnics at the snap to confuse the defense. You could give Ricky Williams a lighter and --
Parcells: No, no, no. Let me stop you there. Terrible idea. Are we done now?
Buffett: No, we have more.
Parcells: Out with it. Hurry.
Buffett: Idea No. 2: Get everybody drunk.
Parcells: So, if I have this right, your ideas so far are to introduce alcohol and explosives into our game plan?
Estefan: Yes, Senor Bill! You are starting to see the wisdom of our plan!
Buffett: Full disclosure: The explosives idea wasn't mine. Only the getting-drunk idea was. It's sort of my thing. The players might play more relaxed and instinctive if they were all messed up. It's happened before, you know.
Parcells: No. Terrible idea.
Buffett: You don't have to be rude about it, dude. Chill. And for the record, I recommend a cheeseburger in paradise, not cheeseburgers plural. You might want to dial it back.
Parcells: Shut up, you talentless hack. Everyone out of my office.
Estefan: But we are not done, Biy. We have more ideas. Girls?
Venus Williams: We thought the team could use more style, Coach Parcells.
Serena Williams: I know that when we feel pretty and stylish, we play better. What do you think?
Parcells: We are a professional football team dressed in white, teal and orange. We are pretty enough as it is.
Estefan: That is true, we are very pretty out there.
Marc Anthony: It is true. Very, very pretty. Oh, Serena, before I forget -- where did you get that lovely skirt? It would be a perfect fit for my wife. It's hard to dress her.
Serena Williams: Oh, thanks! I'll tell you after the meeting.
Parcells: Are we done now?
Estefan: No, Senor Bill. We have one more. Nothing has gone right for us so far. And there's only one way to fix that -- we have to turn that beat around.
Parcells: What the hell does that mean?
Estefan: It is a three-step process. Repeat after me turn it up.
Parcells: Turn it up.
Estefan: Turn it up.
Parcells: Turn it up.
Estefan: Turn it upside-down.
Parcells: Turn it upside no. Please leave. Why did I take this job?
Anthony: Bill, we will not leave until you let us know some concrete steps you are going to take to get this team winning.
Parcells: Is that the only way to make this end?
Anthony: Yes. I need to know.
Parcells: Well, we've gotten off to a rough start. But I honestly feel we are still a Super Bowl contender this year.
Anthony (lightly singing): I must admit that's what I want to hear. But that's just talk until you take me there.
Parcells: Can I continue?
Parcells: Anyway, as I said, I still think we are a legitimate Super Bowl contender and --
(Suddenly a Latin beat fills the room.)
Anthony (singing): If it's true don't leave me all alone out here, wondering if you're ever gonna take me there. Tell me what you're feeling 'cause I need to know. Bill, you gotta let me know which way to go. 'Cause I need to know.
Parcells: I'm trying to tell you.
Anthony (singing): I need to know.
Parcells: If you would let me finish
Anthony (singing): Tell me, chubby Bill, because I need to know.
Parcells: Shut up! All of you! Shut up and let me talk.
Anthony: Sorry, Bill. Sometimes the mood strikes and we can't help ourselves.
Estefan: Yes. Sorry, Biy. But it's true. We are musicians. And sometimes we must share our music with the world on the slightest whim. But please, continue. The floor is yours.
Parcells: Let me explain myself, and I apologize if I don't make myself clear enough.
Estefan (aside): Words get in the way.
Parcells: Yes. Sometimes. Anyway, as I was saying, I have given my life to the game of football.
Estefan (aside): Everlasting love.
Parcells: And I would do anything to make this franchise a winner.
Estefan (aside): Anything for you.
Parcells: My job here is to motivate the team.
Estefan (aside): Get on your feet.
Parcells: And I have certain ways, certain routines of making that happen.
Estefan (aside): Rhythm is gonna get you.
Parcells: Gloria, shut up! Why do you keep talking?
Estefan: You just keep alluding to songs from my greatest-hits album, available on iTunes or wherever CDs are sold. And I'm flattered.
Parcells: Woman, you are a moron! And I can't listen to you for another minute! Maybe if you would leave me alone I could actually get to fixing this team's problems!
Buffett: Bill, let me leave you with some words of wisdom: "Some people claim that there's a woman to blame. But I know it's my own damn fault."
Parcells: OUT! EVERYBODY OUT!
Estefan: Senor Bill, please! We were just trying to help. Let us not be full of tension and anger. Let us DANCE!
(A Latin beat fills the room again.)
Estefan (singing): Come on, shake your body, Billy, do the conga
(Everyone begins dancing as Parcells puts his head down on the desk.)
(There is a knock on the door. Jason Taylor pokes his head in.)
Jason Taylor: Hey. I thought I heard dancing. Can I join?
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.