Commentary

DJ Gallo's NFL Hangover, Week 6

Originally Published: October 19, 2009
By DJ Gallo | Page 2

Before I try to wrap up Week 6 in the NFL, I'd like to take a moment to talk about this little boy in Colorado.

NFL Hangover

If it's true that his father staged the whole thing to get media attention, that's unconscionable. But let's remember not to take it out on the child. He is innocent. He did nothing wrong. He's just a kid who was trying to do the right thing.

To the media: If you want to go after the parents, fine. But please leave the child alone. Don't stick a camera in his face.

This includes my employer, ESPN.

Little Josh "Falcon" McDaniels has a game to coach Monday night. Let's let the boy coach in peace without having a camera shoved in his face.

[+] EnlargeMarc Bulger
AP Photo/Steve CannonMarc Bulger, a very surprising fantasy star in Week 6.

This Week's Horrible Fantasy Team That Crushed Your Team

Marc Bulger, QB, St. Louis Rams: 22-for-34, 213 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT

Laurence Maroney, RB, New England Patriots: 133 total yards, 1 TD

Cadillac Williams, RB, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 16 carries, 77 yards, 1 TD

Robert Meachem, WR, New Orleans Saints: 2 catches, 70 yards, 1 TD

Mark Clayton, WR, Baltimore Ravens: 3 catches, 57 yards, 1 TD

Zach Miller, TE, Oakland Raiders: 6 catches, 139 yards, 1 TD

Stat of the Week

4.9

That was Kerry Collins' quarterback rating in the Tennessee Titans' 59-0 loss to the Patriots. He was 2-for-12 (16.6 percent) with minus-7 yards passing and one interception. Negative-7. Minus-7. The opposite of good. Yet that performance registered on the QB rating scale. How? That's insulting to quarterbacks. And how does one get a 0.0 rating? Did he need to throw for more negative yards? Maybe have Tennessee's running game take the team down to the 1-yard line and then throw a minus-98-yard pass? Apparently the same people who designed the album rating system for Rolling Stone did the NFL's quarterback rating system. No album can be worse than three out of five stars, and no quarterback can get lower than a 4.9. If Kerry Collins' day against the Patriots could be put to music, it would sound like this.

Quote of the Week

"I don't think anybody in this league is 59 points better than us."
-- Bo Scaife, tight end, Titans

Wow. Bold statement. Tennessee should get "Nobody In This League Is 59 Points Better Than Us" put up on a plaque, like Notre Dame's "Play Like A Champion Today," so they can get motivated on their way out of the tunnel before each game.

Pictures of the Week

"It's almost like I'm looking at an obese mirror!"

"Oh, come on! Favre won on a missed field goal?! Really?!"

"Congratulations, bud. But you're totally stealing Chad Ochocinco's bit."

"No! Now they're going to shove both of us in a locker."

"Welcome back to New Orleans. Now get lost."

"Maybe if I just do this, something delicious will fly in."

"Wow. My hands literally stink, too."

"Let me take this off. No way I'm wearing it out in public."

"So look, I went through the whole catalog, and this is unfortunately the only winter hat they sold."

"I'm going to take a mental picture of this loss and add it to my set."

"You realize that without a jersey or hat or anything, you look like a total moron, right?" "I have come to realize that, yes."

"Ha-ha-ha! Man, I love NFC West jokes."

"When do you think you'll get benched in this game? I'm just wondering so I know when to start warming up."

"I need someone to call me to pep me up."

10 Things I Think I Pondered I Mused To Think

1. So to save his job, Washington Redskins head coach Jim Zorn has agreed to hand over the offensive play-calling duties. I am not sure what this accomplishes. It's still Zorn's playbook. Miley Cyrus can have someone else read the audio version of her book. That person can even read all the chapters and paragraphs in a different order. But it's still a book written by Miley Cyrus.

2. Forget Zorn. (Not hard.) How does Jeff Fisher still have a job? It's been 10 years since his team made its only Super Bowl appearance. He has a veteran team that is getting worse every week. He is 40-45 his past six seasons, and that's including the historic fluke that was the 13-3 Titans of 2008. He's not suddenly going to figure it all out late in his second decade in the league. (Only Brett Favre does that.) The guy has to go. Of course, you can't just fire a guy who has coached your team for 16 years. So I'm not advising anyone to start up FireJeffFisher.com. But maybe RespectfullyForceJeffFisherToResign.com.

3. Kudos to Chad Ochocinco for making sure the Bengals-Texans game wouldn't be blacked out in Cincinnati by teaming up with Motorola to buy all the unsold tickets. But it begs the question: Why couldn't the Bengals sell out the game? They were in first place, and coming off wins against the Steelers, state-rival Browns and Ravens. Clearly the team's marketing department needs some fresh ideas. And fast. Perhaps even hastily conceived. Bengals, if I may:

The Cincinnati Bengals: We Almost Beat The Broncos!

Bengals: Now Felon-Free!

The Bengals: Based On The HBO Series!

The Cincinnati Bengals: Refreshingly Un-Self-Aware!

Bengals Football: Still The Best (Professional) Football In Ohio Or Close To Northern Kentucky!

[+] EnlargeJunior Seau and Tom Brady
Elsa/Getty ImagesThere he is, Junior Seau with Tom Brady, looking the same as ever.

4. Junior Seau was back on the field Sunday for the Patriots and played well. "Junior looked like Junior. He's timeless," Bill Belichick said. And he's right. The toughness, the heart, the haircut -- none of it has changed since the early '90s. Junior Seau is the Derek Jeter of the NFL.

5. Mark Sanchez is really messing up this being-the-next-Joe-Namath thing. He needs to remember that there's a specific process to do it.

Step 1: Be loved by the media.

Step 2: Win a Super Bowl.

Step 3: Throw a ton of interceptions.

Sanchez has skipped right past Step 2. That's not Broadway Joe's style. If you skip Step 2, you become the next Broadway Brett.

6. Eli Manning graduated from high school in 2000. That means his 10-year reunion is due this coming summer. Based on how his homecoming in New Orleans went Sunday, Eli may want to skip it. He'll walk in, get a few wedgies from all of his old buddies, find out the first girl he kissed is a transvestite and get food poisoning from the buffet. Or, worse, they'll just show a tape of Sunday's Giants-Saints game.

7. Companies spend a lot of money to be a major sponsor for a sports team. But sometimes those sponsorships go horribly wrong. For example, in the Rams' postgame news conferences, the backdrop is just a Rams logos mixed with "Edward Jones." That is not good for a brand. And that's assuming it's the financial services company. If I was Ed "Too Tall" Jones, I would issue a statement saying that I never played for the Rams.

8. Directions for a Todd Collins:

Step 1: Pour out one bottle of gin into a container.

Step 2: Set aside.

Step 3: Hit Redskins fans in the stomach with the empty gin bottle.

Step 4: Drink the gin you set aside and wait to get fired.

(No offense, Todd Collins. I think a Jason Campbell is just warm tap water that's been set out in the sun for an hour.)

9. Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard. This week he was the fill-in quarterback for the Buffalo Bills. Last year he was the fill-in quarterback for the Bengals. Four years ago he got some playing time with the Rams. The Bills, Bengals and Rams -- I thought Harvard grads were assured of good jobs? What a waste of money. I would have gone to Harvard, but I didn't want to play for the Browns.

10. Steelers kicker Jeff Reed was cited for public intoxication Sunday at 9 p.m. at a sports bar called McFadden's that is within sight of Heinz Field. I am familiar with the place. McFadden's has had Vanilla Ice as a featured guest at a few events. Before we lock up Reed, let's just make sure this wasn't a case of mistaken identity -- while Robert Van Winkle is out strutting the streets a free man.

DJ Gallo is the founder of and sole writer for the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.