Commentary

Welcome back, Mr. Manners

Originally Published: January 7, 2010
By DJ Gallo | Page 2

The calendar may have changed, but your manners never should.

Mr. Manners

It's time for another edition of Mr. Manners.

Dear Mr. Manners,

After I was fired from my job as head coach of a college football team, I met with the local press for an exit interview. In the exit interview, I talked about how it was unfair that a rumor about a coaching rival -- a 58-year-old married coach with children -- didn't get more coverage. The rumor? That he lives with a grad student in Malibu. Poor form?
-- Charlie W., Kansas City, Mo.

Dear Fired Firestarter,

You have nothing to worry about. Implying that a 58-year-old man could shack up with a grad student is actually quite a compliment. Needless to say, most men that age are not with grad student-quality women, especially not in Malibu. So what if it's not true and that you slandered a man just to make yourself look like a victim. I hope that when I am that age, I have rivals who are just as complimentary as you. And that the rumors are true.
-- Mr. Manners


Dear Mr. Manners,

I am a speed skater for the U.S. Olympic Team. Recently, we became sponsored by Stephen Colbert and "The Colbert Report." I think Colbert is a jerk and I voiced that opinion. Is it poor manners to speak ill of someone who is paying all your bills?
-- Shani D., Chicago

Dear Screed Skater,

Interesting question. I would say that it's probably best not to rip your lone sponsor. To not skate over the hand that feeds you, so to speak, severing the limb at the wrist with the blade so blood is shooting everywhere. Blood! Blood! Blood! And now it's freezing to the ice! Oh, God! The humanity! Blood!

The better course of action would have been to channel your rage into your performance, creating a routine that is full of passion and really catches the eyes of the judges and viewers around the world. Oh, wait. I'm sorry. I misread your letter. You are a speed skater, not a figure skater. So you do the one no one cares about.

Yeah, you probably should have kept your mouth shut.
-- Mr. Manners


Dear Mr. Manners,

I coach a football team and we had a good shot at going 16-0 in the regular season. We would have been only the third team to do that. However, in Game 15, I decided to pull all of my starters. I didn't want to get anyone hurt so we can make a run for the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, our backups blew the game to an overmatched team and we lost. Our fans flipped out. A columnist even said that I had "violated the public trust." Is it poor manners to not try to win every game you play?
-- Jim C., Indianapolis

Dear 14-and-Woe,

A person with refined manners always tries to put his best foot forward. However, as you mentioned, you have a bigger goal in mind: winning the Super Bowl. What it really comes down to is timing. There is an appropriate time and place for everything. For example, it's better to lose now than later. And it's better to rest your starters now than in the Super Bowl. Your fans are upset now, sure. But think how upset they'd be if you let your scrubs play in the Super Bowl like the Patriots did two years ago. (At least I assume that's what happened. I was at a manners conference and didn't get to see the game.)
-- Mr. Manners


Dear Mr. Manners,

My team, the Dallas Mavericks, has a game this Saturday night at home against the Utah Jazz. Three months from now, we could possibly look back at this game as having some impact on playoff seeding in the Western Conference. It's HUGE! But the NFL went and scheduled the Cowboys playoff game for the same time. This is super rude of them to do, right?
-- Mark C., Dallas

Dear Dallas Disappointment,

I agree! This reminds me of the time in elementary school when I was in the school play. The play was on a Thursday night. It had been scheduled for months. Yet, what did NBC choose to air that night? A new episode of "The Cosby Show"! Head-to-head with me and my classmates in "The Nutty Professor"! So rude.
-- Mr. Manners


Dear Mr. Manners,

Is it OK to stick a kid in a closet?
-- Mike L., Lubbock, Texas

Dear Closet Questioner,

No.
-- Mr. Manners


Dear Mr. Manners,

But what if it's cool and dark? A kid could take a nice nap in there. (If I allowed him to lay down or even lean.)
-- Mike L., Lubbock, Texas

P.S. Me career is arrrrrggghhh-uably on the line!

Dear Closet Questioner,

No. And please stop writing to me, weirdo.
-- Mr. Manners

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.

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