Commentary

Welcome back, Mr. Manners

Originally Published: February 5, 2010
By DJ Gallo | Page 2

It's Super Bowl weekend. Chances are you'll be watching the "Big Game" with friends and loved ones. It may even be the first time you've seen many of these people since the holidays.

Mr. Manners

That means it's time to brush up on your manners with another edition of Mr. Manners.

Dear Mr. Manners,

The fans at our home games have gotten completely out of control. They repeatedly use crude language and just the other night threw trash all over the floor. Twice. In a game we won by 19 points. And they hit an opposing coach with debris. How can I show them that what they are doing is wrong?
-- Bob H., Morgantown, W.V.

Dear Classless Act,

Don't be so hard on your fans. They very well may have remorse for their despicable actions. Remember, in many religions it is common for people to light candles as a sign of penance. In Morgantown, they light couches. Same thing.
-- Mr. Manners


Dear Mr. Manners,

I have lived in the city of New Orleans for decades. I used to play for the Saints. But now my son is playing against them in the Super Bowl as the starting quarterback for the Colts. Who should I root for? I am conflicted.
-- Archie M., New Orleans

Dear Stressed Saint,

With tough questions like this, I like to follow the lead of the wise King Solomon of the Bible. What you must do is cut your son in half. Done? Now, who would you root for? Exactly. The Saints. No way your son can play considering he's been cut in half. And rooting for a Curtis Painter-led Colts team is sadistic. Problem solved. Thanks, Solomon!
-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

I recently let one of our veteran players, Johnny Damon, walk by saying that we couldn't afford him because we are on a tight budget. I said we only had $2 million left. Really. It was so absurd I could barely say it with a straight face. But it was the only story I could think of. Anyway, he's going to sign with some lousy team now, but the guilt is still nagging at me. How can I make it up to him?
-- Brian C., New York City and Tampa, Fla.

Dear Cheap Excuse,

You can't buy love, but sometimes a nice gift can ease hurt feelings. Buy this Johnny a gift. But keep it under $2 million. Anything above that will hurt your cover story.
-- Mr. Manners


Dear Mr. Manners,

I recently broke a contract I had at the University of Tennessee, where I had coached for just one season, to take my dream job at USC. Tons of people have ripped me, saying I have no shame and that I am everything that is wrong with college sports. Do you think I did something wrong?
-- Lane K., Los Angeles

Dear Terrible Trojan,

First of all, thank you for including pictures of your wife in your letter. That can only get you on my good side. That said, a man's word is his honor. A contract is a promise. It is not to be broken. You stake your reputation on it. And I will say that to anyone who asks -- up until the day the United Features Syndicate approaches me about replacing Judith Martin's Miss Manners column.
-- Mr. Manners


Dear Mr. Manners,

Last weekend I gave the finger to some Dolphins fans at an MMA event in Florida. They started it, but I got fined $50,000. Was I in the wrong?
-- Rex R., New York

Dear Retaliatory Rex,

It's never OK to respond with crudeness or anger. A man with refined manners always handles himself with grace and class, no matter the circumstances. I hope I was of some help.
-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

Yeah, I didn't really care. I just wanted you to respond. While you were reading my letter and typing your response, I put a turd under the hood of your car. Ha! Enjoy that smell, NERD!
-- Rex R., New York


Dear Mr. Manners,

I am appearing in a Super Bowl commercial with my mom about an issue that is very important to me. Yet some people are saying my commercial should be banned from the air. I thought my First Amendment rights meant I could do this. Have I done something wrong?
-- Tim T., Gainesville, Fla.

Dear Testimonial Tim,

I have not seen your commercial so I can't comment on it specifically. I also am not a constitutional scholar. That said, I do think the First Amendment spells out very clearly what is allowed to be shown in a Super Bowl commercial. If a commercial does not include flatulence, talking animals or someone getting hit in the crotch, its message is not protected. Please add one -- OR ALL! -- of these elements to your ad, or prepare to be banned. Sorry.
-- Mr. Manners

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.

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