Commentary

Remaking "Hoosiers" again (and again)

Originally Published: March 29, 2010
By DJ Gallo | Page 2

The Butler Bulldogs play in the same arena that was used for the championship game in "Hoosiers." Now they're playing in the Final Four just seven miles away.

Prepare for a week's worth of "Hoosiers" references. In fact, prepare for a new "Hoosiers" movie. No way will Hollywood executives fail to capitalize on all this free publicity. This is their best chance to tarnish the sports classic.

In fact, here are seven "Hoosiers" remakes that are already circulating in Hollywood.

"Hoosiers 2"
"Hoosiers 2" is almost an exact, shot-for-shot remake of the original, but it is set in the present day and updated for modern times. So Shooter isn't a drunk; he is addicted to OxyContin. Myra Fleener is not a stern teacher; she is a busty tutor who has bedded many of the players. The town hall meeting isn't about Jimmy Chitwood and Norman Dale; it's about health care. Ollie doesn't shoot underhanded; instead, he is mocked because he practices his fundamentals instead of trying out cool dunks. Dale doesn't deliver stirring halftime speeches; he texts his players messages such as "OMG guys! UR da best!" He also measures the height of the basket before the title game using an iPhone measuring app. But other than that, it's pretty much the same, and I'm sure you'll really like it.

"Hoosiers 300"
Butler meets Michigan State in the Final Four. Shot on a soundstage in Indianapolis, the film is full of CGI and violent, high-flying basketball scenes. And inspired by the acting turns of real college coaches in "The Blind Side," a shirtless Tom Izzo stars as himself and leads the Spartans to victory.

"Hoosiers vs. Teen Wolf"
From the producers of "Alien vs. Predator," in this guaranteed blockbuster, the Butler Bulldogs reach the Final Four in Indianapolis. What an amazing story! But waiting for them in the championship game are … the hated Duke Blue Devils. And although Butler has mustachioed forward Matt Howard, Duke has a Howard of its own: new recruit Scott Howard Jr.! Son of Teen Wolf! (It also has this guy's son, because he seems like someone who would play for Duke.)

Duke takes a huge early lead behind the dominant play of the new Teen Wolf. Butler struggles to get back in the game because of uncharacteristic misses from the free throw line -- misses prompted by the icy stare from Duke guard Mick McAllister Jr., who, thanks to referees' favoritism of the Blue Devils, is allowed to stand directly under the basket.

But the Bulldogs do not give up. They receive an impassioned halftime speech from head coach Brad Stevens, played by Jonathan Lipnicki. Also at halftime, Butler's Matt Howard learns that his lip tickler is more than a sign of puberty; he is told by his father that they are related to the Howard family of Wolverton -- and that he can become a wolf, too!

However, Howard shaves off his mustache to let his teammates know that they can win without the wolf (and also because it is incredibly ugly). They come charging out in the second half and cut into Duke's lead. The Blue Devils become enraged. In fact, in hopes of luring the "Harry Potter"/"Twilight" crowd, the script calls for Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski to transform into a snarling rat and Kyle Singler to become a flesh-eating zombie. It's actually quite believable.

Still, though, the Bulldogs fight on … and win on a last-second shot! There is strong foreshadowing of a sequel, however, because in one of the last scenes, we see Krzyzewski signing a vampire recruit.

"Mountaineers"
This movie is adapted from "Hoosiers" and set in small-town West Virginia instead of small-town Indiana. And instead of the new head coach being out-of-towner Norman Dale, it's a local boy who returned home, Bob Huggins. And Huggins' character is sort of a hybrid of Norman Dale and Shooter.

But just like Hickory, the Mountaineers are down on their luck and haven't been to a Final Four since 1959. Worse, the string of misfortune has put the town's lifeblood -- the old couch-burning factory -- on the brink of being shut down. Can Huggins lead the team to a championship? And, if so, does anyone have a light?

"Butlers"
Inspired by all of the butler-related puns in the wake of the Bulldogs' run to the Final Four, this movie is about butlers! Yes, one of Hollywood's few remaining untapped subject areas: basketball-playing butlers. Butlers by day, ballers by night. It's a comedy with a sweet streak, showing even those from the lowest station can rise above … the rim and dunk their dreams. Starring Vince Vaughn.

"Hoos Fast, Hoos Furious"
An underdog team of ballers from rural Indiana travels to the big city of Indianapolis to compete in the AND 1 competition. It wins when Ollie pulls off a never-seen-before underhanded dunk. On the way back home, the caravan of old cars, pickups and buses compete in a street race.

"High School Hoosical"
It's as awful as it sounds: the original "Hoosiers," but made into a preteen musical. And therefore it has the best chance of getting made. Already set to star are several actors you'd like to punch in the face.

DJ Gallo is the founder of and sole writer for the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.


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