Commentary

Hooray for May sports!

Originally Published: May 3, 2010
By DJ Gallo | Page 2

Mayweather, James & Crosby ESPN.com Illustration

Some people say May is a down period for sports. Balderdash! The NBA and NHL playoffs are in full swing, golf is in the news, baseball is heating up -- even the old-timey sports of boxing and horse racing made big headlines (which gives me the opportunity to use words like "balderdash").

And all six sports should stay in the news in the coming weeks. Here is what has happened and what we can expect to happen next.

NBA playoffs

The NBA playoffs got off to an exciting start. A No. 2 seed went down, the Bucks and Hawks went seven games, and the Thunder gave the Lakers a scare. Where can it go from here?

Best possible outcome: LeBron and Kobe continue on a collision course and meet in the Finals, earning huge television ratings.

Worst possible outcome: LeBron and Kobe continue on a collision course and meet in the Finals, earning huge television ratings and confirming to all those who are not fans of the Cavaliers and Lakers that the NBA is rigged.

Predicted outcome: Two teams meet in the Finals, confirming to all those who are not fans of the teams in the Finals that the NBA is rigged.

Unlikely outcome: The NBA cancels the remainder of the playoffs, not wanting to take any attention away from "Just Wright."

Stanley Cup playoffs

The first round of the NHL playoffs was as wild as ever. The top 3 seeds in the East lost, and two series went seven games. Where can it go from here?

Best possible outcome: More seven-game series continue the increase in the league's TV ratings and reinforce the perception that the NHL playoffs are the most exciting playoffs in sports.

Worst possible outcome: Montreal and Vancouver meet in the Stanley Cup Finals, hurting U.S. TV ratings and -- in the wake of the Olympics -- raising Canada's national pride to levels not seen since HBO picked up "The Kids In The Hall" in 1989.

Predicted outcome: Pittsburgh and Detroit meet in the Stanley Cup finals again thanks to the Sharks' reverting to the norm, choking and letting the Red Wings escape.

Unlikely outcome: The Penguins collapse after Mario Lemieux throws Sidney Crosby out of his house, fed up with Crosby's beard hair clogging the shower drain.

Triple Crown racing

Lookin At Lucky was the favorite, but Calvin Borel rode Super Saver to the jockey's third Kentucky Derby win in four years. He then predicted the horse would win the Triple Crown.

Best possible outcome: Super Saver wins the Triple Crown, renewing interest in thoroughbred racing.

Worst possible outcome: Super Saver loses at the Preakness, renewing disinterest in thoroughbred racing.

Predicted outcome: A horse gets injured at the Preakness, causing people from across the country to send it get-well cards, renewing suspicions that there are an unsettlingly high number of really dumb people out there.

Unlikely outcome: The injured horse can read. It can also write and speak, and it denounces the treatment of horses in thoroughbred racing in a news-conference tirade. It is then euthanized.

Golf

Tiger Woods missed the cut at Quail Hollow, but golf showed it has some young stars waiting in the wings as the U.S. Open approaches. Twenty-year-old Rory McIlroy won at Quail Hollow, while 18-year-old Ryo Ishikawa won on the Japanese tour with a final-round 58.

Best possible outcome: Woods, McIlroy and Ishikawa all appear on the leaderboard at Pebble Beach.

Worst possible outcome: Woods, McIlroy and Ishikawa all appear at a Pebble Beach strip club.

Predicted outcome: Woods is the only one to contend seriously at Pebble Beach and, in fact, wins it with a dramatic par save on 18. In his post-round news conference he will say: "I just thought of the great Nickelback song 'Savin' Me,' and that's what gave me the courage to hit that shot."

Unlikely outcome: At a post-round news conference, Woods gives the media all the intimate details of his affairs that they have been demanding -- every girl, every location. Because that would be the right and classy thing for him to do.

Baseball

While nothing will be resolved on the diamond in the next few weeks, many teams will play themselves into, and out of, playoff contention.

Best possible outcome: No teams take commanding leads in their divisions, allowing more teams to stay in contention throughout the summer, thereby delighting fans across the country.

Worst possible outcome: No teams take commanding leads in their divisions, allowing more teams to stay in contention through the summer, thereby deluging fans across the entire country with mediocre baseball.

Predicted outcome: The Red Sox move back into contention in the AL East by trading for Carl Crawford and not trading for Javier Vazquez.

Unlikely outcome: Zack Greinke wins a game.

Boxing

Floyd Mayweather Jr. defeated Shane Mosley, possibly paving the way for a long-awaited matchup with Manny Pacquiao.

Best possible outcome: Mayweather and Pacquiao agree to fight, the fight is actually held, it is a classic, and the bout renews interest in the sport of boxing.

Worst possible outcome: Mayweather and Pacquiao agree to fight, the fight is actually held, it is a classic, and the bout renews interest in the sport of boxing … among those willing to pay $64.95 to watch a sporting event on television.

Predicted outcome: Mayweather ducks Pacquiao by moving to a different weight class. Perhaps even the heavyweight division, thanks to a diet of drinking the grease in the run-off trays of George Foreman Grills.

Unlikely outcome: See "best possible outcome."

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.


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