Jessica Simpson + Eric Johnson = love
Singer and actress Jessica Simpson has been romantically linked to former San Francisco 49ers and New Orleans Saints tight end Eric Johnson.
Johnson attended Yale. Simpson didn't attend Yale.
So what could these two lovebirds have in common? Page 2 imagines how the conversation went during their first date.
(Note: The following Johnson quotes are made up. The following Simpson quotes are, sadly, actual Jessica Simpson quotes. Really.)
Johnson: It's really nice to have dinner with you. Well, let me break the ice by telling you a little bit about myself. Umm ... I went to Yale. I majored in American studies and sociology.
Simpson: I respect knowledge of the psyche. I would be a therapist if I weren't an entertainer.
Johnson: Uh-huh. Then, after college, I went into the NFL. I was one of the last players taken in the final round.
Simpson: I had doors slammed in my face as a 14-year-old because my boobs were too big.
Johnson: Huh. Well, I was 21 when I got drafted.
Simpson: Twenty-three is old. It's almost 25, which is like almost mid-20s.
Johnson: That's a good point? Anyway, I didn't want to sound like I was bragging. People just find it interesting that I played in the NFL and went to Yale because it's not really a football school.
Simpson: On my first day of junior high, I was in geography class, and the teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. And I was sooo excited. I was like, 'Damn it! It's my first day of seventh grade, I'm in junior high and I know this answer.' So I raised my hand, I was the first one, and I said 'A-E-I-O-U!'
Johnson: Wow. Just wow. OK. What do you say we order?
Simpson: Am I eating chicken or tuna?
Johnson: That's up to you. I was thinking of getting buffalo wings as an appetizer. Do you want some?
Simpson: I don't eat buffalo.
Johnson: Holy crap. Why don't I just order for us? You can go freshen up or something, if you'd like.
(She leaves and returns a few minutes later.)
Johnson: Everything OK?
Simpson: I made sure no butt cheek hung out.
Johnson: Good to know, good to know. I have to say, you sure do say some strange things. But you don't look strange. You look amazing.
Simpson: My mom was really worried I'd grow up looking strange, so every night before I went to bed, she'd pull my legs and stretch them so they'd be in proportion with the rest of my body.
Johnson: Well, your body is definitely in proportion now.
Simpson: At school, my boobs were bigger than all my friends', and I was afraid to show them. Now, I feel they make my outfits look better. They're like an accessory.
Johnson: Well, as your dad once said: 'You've got double-D's! You can't cover those suckers up!'
Simpson: My dad takes care of me as a manager and as a dad. That's his job, you know, to take care of me. He has my best interests at heart.
Johnson: What do you say we stop talking about your dad and talk more about your amazing body?
Simpson: I like different lingerie for different occasions. I think that's the best thing about it. You can feel sexy or girly depending on your mood.
Johnson: Nice, nice. Tell me more.
Simpson: To be my man, you have to put up with a lot. I toot under the sheets, I spend a lot of money and I can belch the ABCs.
Johnson: OK. Did not need to know that. Not at all. It's our first date. Let's maybe keep our 'toot' and indigestion-related facts to ourselves.
Simpson: I have to go drop the kids off at the pool.
Johnson: Is that a euphemism?
(Simpson heads to the bathroom again. She returns a few minutes later.)
Johnson: What do you say we get out of here?
Simpson: Is that weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?
Johnson: Who said anything about going camping?
Simpson: I'm really clumsy, so I trip and fall a lot. And every time I perform in New York, my pants split onstage. That's happened four or five times. Every time, I pull on my mom's jeans as fast as I can, so there we are, standing backstage without our pants on. It's like a curse.
Johnson: No. I wasn't talking about going for a walk, either.
Simpson: My dad took one of his friends golfing, and it was, like, one of his first times, and he knocked out a duck. Like, I'm scared that's going to happen.
Johnson: No, no. Not golfing, either. I thought we could you know. You understand what I'm hinting at?
Simpson: I think there's a difference between ditzy and dumb. Dumb is just not knowing. Ditzy is having the courage to ask!
Johnson: I was suggesting we, first of all, stop talking. That's the most important thing. No talking. You especially. Then we leave the restaurant and, you know maybe go fool around?
Simpson: Abstinence for me is about romance. It has nothing to do with my relationship with God. It's definitely a bonus in that department, but it's nothing spiritual. It's about giving something special to that person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.
Johnson: I don't know if I can stand this. Do you have Tony Romo's number? I need some tips. Maybe he can help us.
Simpson: Platypus? I thought it was pronounced platymapus. Has it always been pronounced platypus?
Johnson: Check, please!
DJ Gallo is the founder of SportsPickle.com. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is available from only the finest bargain-book retailers. His next book project will be released soon. You can follow him on Twitter at @DJGalloESPN.