Commentary

Jessica Simpson + Eric Johnson = love

Originally Published: July 6, 2010
By DJ Gallo | Page 2

Jessica SimpsonAP PhotoCount us among those who never saw this coming: Jessica Simpson is apparently dating a Yale alum.

Singer and actress Jessica Simpson has been romantically linked to former San Francisco 49ers and New Orleans Saints tight end Eric Johnson.

Johnson attended Yale. Simpson … didn't attend Yale.

So what could these two lovebirds have in common? Page 2 imagines how the conversation went during their first date.

(Note: The following Johnson quotes are made up. The following Simpson quotes are, sadly, actual Jessica Simpson quotes. Really.)

Johnson: It's really nice to have dinner with you. Well, let me break the ice by telling you a little bit about myself. Umm ... I went to Yale. I majored in American studies and sociology.

Simpson: I respect knowledge of the psyche. I would be a therapist if I weren't an entertainer.

Johnson: Uh-huh. Then, after college, I went into the NFL. I was one of the last players taken in the final round.

Simpson: I had doors slammed in my face as a 14-year-old because my boobs were too big.

Johnson: Huh. Well, I was 21 when I got drafted.

Simpson: Twenty-three is old. It's almost 25, which is like almost mid-20s.

Johnson: That's … a good point? Anyway, I didn't want to sound like I was bragging. People just find it interesting that I played in the NFL and went to Yale because it's not really a football school.

Simpson: On my first day of junior high, I was in geography class, and the teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. And I was sooo excited. I was like, 'Damn it! It's my first day of seventh grade, I'm in junior high and I know this answer.' So I raised my hand, I was the first one, and I said 'A-E-I-O-U!'

Johnson: Wow. Just wow. OK. What do you say we order?

Simpson: Am I eating chicken or tuna?

Johnson: That's up to you. I was thinking of getting buffalo wings as an appetizer. Do you want some?

Simpson: I don't eat buffalo.

Johnson: Holy crap. Why don't I just order for us? You can go freshen up or something, if you'd like.

(She leaves and returns a few minutes later.)

Johnson: Everything OK?

Simpson: I made sure no butt cheek hung out.

Johnson: Good to know, good to know. I have to say, you sure do say some strange things. But you don't look strange. You look amazing.

Simpson: My mom was really worried I'd grow up looking strange, so every night before I went to bed, she'd pull my legs and stretch them so they'd be in proportion with the rest of my body.

Johnson: Well, your body is definitely in proportion now.

Simpson: At school, my boobs were bigger than all my friends', and I was afraid to show them. Now, I feel they make my outfits look better. They're like an accessory.

Johnson: Well, as your dad once said: 'You've got double-D's! You can't cover those suckers up!'

Simpson: My dad takes care of me as a manager and as a dad. That's his job, you know, to take care of me. He has my best interests at heart.

Johnson: What do you say we stop talking about your dad and talk more about your amazing body?

Simpson: I like different lingerie for different occasions. I think that's the best thing about it. You can feel sexy or girly depending on your mood.

Johnson: Nice, nice. Tell me more.

Simpson: To be my man, you have to put up with a lot. I toot under the sheets, I spend a lot of money and I can belch the ABCs.

Johnson: OK. Did not need to know that. Not at all. It's our first date. Let's maybe keep our 'toot' and indigestion-related facts to ourselves.

Simpson: I have to go drop the kids off at the pool.

Johnson: Is that a euphemism?

(Simpson heads to the bathroom again. She returns a few minutes later.)

Johnson: What do you say we get out of here?

Simpson: Is that weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?

Johnson: Who said anything about going camping?

Simpson: I'm really clumsy, so I trip and fall a lot. And every time I perform in New York, my pants split onstage. That's happened four or five times. Every time, I pull on my mom's jeans as fast as I can, so there we are, standing backstage without our pants on. It's like a curse.

Johnson: No. I wasn't talking about going for a walk, either.

Simpson: My dad took one of his friends golfing, and it was, like, one of his first times, and he knocked out a duck. Like, I'm scared that's going to happen.

Johnson: No, no. Not golfing, either. I thought we could … you know. You understand what I'm hinting at?

Simpson: I think there's a difference between ditzy and dumb. Dumb is just not knowing. Ditzy is having the courage to ask!

Johnson: I was suggesting we, first of all, stop talking. That's the most important thing. No talking. You especially. Then we leave the restaurant and, you know … maybe go fool around?

Simpson: Abstinence for me is about romance. It has nothing to do with my relationship with God. It's definitely a bonus in that department, but it's nothing spiritual. It's about giving something special to that person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

Johnson: I don't know if I can stand this. Do you have Tony Romo's number? I need some tips. Maybe he can help us.

Simpson: Platypus? I thought it was pronounced platymapus. Has it always been pronounced platypus?

Johnson: Check, please!

DJ Gallo is the founder of SportsPickle.com. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is available from only the finest bargain-book retailers. His next book project will be released soon. You can follow him on Twitter at @DJGalloESPN.


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