DJ Gallo's NFL Hangover, Week 9
LeBron James, noted Cowboys (and Yankees!) fan, tweeted this late in Dallas' 45-7 loss to the Packers Sunday night: "Never thought I'd say this about my Cowboys but they are officially the worst team in the NFL right now even though the Bills are winless!"
Well, what should they do, LeBron?
Should they admit that they've made mistakes? (Cue footage of the Roy Williams introductory press conference.)
Should they remind us that they've done this before? Should they give us a history lesson? (Cue footage of 1996 through 2009.)
What should they do? Should they remind us of how much fun they've had? (Cue montage of Tony Romo and Wade Phillips grinning. Follow that with a montage of Cowboys excessive celebration penalties.)
Should they believe they've ruined their legacy? (Cue clips of Michael Irvin and Emmitt Smith on "Dancing With The Stars.")
What should they do? What should they do?
Should they have their tattoos removed? (Cue footage of Martellus Bennett.)
Or should they tell you: "We are not role models." (Cue footage of Nate Newton's van. Hi Nate!)
Seriously? What should they do? Should they tell you they are championship chasers? (Cue footage of Jerry Jones announcing Cowboys Stadium as the host of this year's Super Bowl.) Did it for the money? (Cue footage of the opening of the Cowboys Stadium.) Rings? (Cue footage of the Ring of Honor.) Should they be who you want them to be? (Cue CGI footage of Romo lifting a Super Bowl trophy.)
Should they accept their role as a villain? (Cue video montage of fans around the country wearing 'Cowboys suck' t-shirts.)
Maybe they should just disappear. (Cue footage of the Cowboys' defense.)
Should they stop listening to their friends? They're their friends. (Cue footage of Terrell Owens saying Romo is his quarterback.)
Should they try acting? (Cue footage of Phillips on the set of "Dallas," holding a smoking gun and standing over the body of J.R., played by Jones.)
Should they make you laugh? (Cue footage of pretty much any Cowboys play from the 2010 season.) Should they read you a soulful poem? (Cue footage of Keith Brooking.) Or should they clear the decks and start over? (Cue this footage.)
What should they do? Should they be who you want them to be? (Cut to black for a few beats to let the profound message sink in. Then close by showing the logo of the ad's creator: the 2011 NFL Draft.)
This Week's Horrible Fantasy Team That Crushed Your Fantasy Team
Matthew Stafford, QB, Lions -- 20 for 36, 240 yards, 3 total TD
Brandon Jackson, RB, Packers -- 68 total yards, 2 TD
Ladell Betts, RB, Saints -- 13 carries, 31 yards, TD
Seyi Ajirotutu, WR, Chargers -- 4 catches, 111 yards, 2 TD
Jacoby Ford, WR, Raiders -- 6 catches, 148 yards, 1 kick return TD
Jacob Tamme, TE, Colts -- 11 catches, 108 yards, TD
Quotes of the Week
Channing Crowder, LB, Dolphins: "Le'Ron McClain spit in my face. He spit in my face. That's some real s---. So if you talk to him, tell him he's a ho."
This could become another Kevin Garnett-Charlie Villanueva thing. McClain will insist that he didn't spit so much as try to provide hydration to an opponent in an act of true sportsmanship. And then Crowder will say he was misquoted. "Ho? I called him no such thing. That is ludicrous. I dubbed Mr. McClain, who is a credit to his team and his league, a hero!"
Channing Crowder, LB, Dolphins, on what happened when he complained to officials: "They said something about they let Karlos Dansby get away with a facemask the play before. Who the f--- cares? A guy just spit in my face! I don't give a damn about Karlos pulling somebody's facemask. Like they didn't see Chad Henne get hit twice when he slid. Yeah, a little Stevie Wonder and Anne Frank."
Channing Crowder, LB, Dolphins, on what he meant with his Anne Frank reference: "Who was that? Is that the blind girl? Helen Keller ... I don't know who the f--- Anne Frank is. I'm mad right now. F--- it. I'm not as swift as I usually am."
Don't beat yourself up, Channing Crowder. Just relax. Maybe put on a Motown album by Oskar Schindler.
Stat of the Week
35-117: Detroit Lions center Dominic Raiola joined the team in 2001. Since then, the Lions have gone 35-117. Raiola called Sunday's 23-20 overtime loss to the Jets the "worst loss ever, I think, in my 10 years."
Whereas the best thing ever, I think, is that Lions veterans seem to have repressed the memories of all the beatings they've sustained.
MORE GALLO PHOTO CAPTIONS!
They're an important part of easing your Monday pain. They're bonus editon of the NFL photos that make you feel good and help laugh at your friends.
DJ Gallo's NFL Hangover photo gallery
Pictures of the Week
How They Spent Their Bye Week
Denver: Keeping morale up by giving Tim Tebow another haircut.
St. Louis: Listening to Sam Bradford's best Texas Longhorns jokes.
San Francisco: Growing beards and dyeing them with black shoe polish because nothing else has worked.
Washington: Talking to the Eagles for tips on how to best humiliate Donovan McNabb.
Jacksonville: Installing tarp luxury boxes in their stadium.
Tennessee: Trying to find a restaurant in Nashville that meets the demands of Randy Moss' refined palate.
DJ Gallo is the founder of SportsPickle.com. His first book, "The View from the Upper Deck," is available from only the finest bargain-book retailers. His next book project will be released soon. You can follow him on Twitter at @DJGalloESPN.