Cameron Newton has been exposed!
In the past week we have learned that Cam Newton is the worst person ever. How do we know this? Well, we don't.
So I'd like to take this opportunity to show my journalism skills with ACTUAL VISUAL EVIDENCE that Cam Newton is all that is wrong with college sports. Possibly. Who really knows.
To Google Images!
Sources: Cam Newton's wardrobe suggests he may have received membership at an exclusive country club to play at Auburn.
Report: There is no evidence that this is not a picture of Cam Newton signing the paperwork for a purchase of a $100,000 Escalade.
Sources: While not yet linked to steroids, Newton has a history with performance-enhancers.
Report: Cam Newton is already receiving an NFL salary from the Detroit Lions.
Anonymous reports: In addition to $200,000, Cam Newton demanded stock options and derivatives.
Rumors: Cam Newton has so much extra cash he can fly around at night and give money to toothless children.
Anonymous rumors: Cam Newton received assurances he would be cast in major Hollywood motion pictures if he went to Auburn.
People that might be making this up, but maybe not: Cam Newton flees the scene of bank robberies on this 75,000-horsepower motorcycle.
Fact: Cam Newton has had close associations in the past with KNOWN CRIMINALS.
Game of the Week
Georgia at No. 2 Auburn -- 3:30 p.m. ET on CBS
All eyes will be on Cam Newton this week. And he can relieve some of the pressure by playing terribly. In fact, that should be his goal. There's a reason the face of baseball's steroids scandal was Barry Bonds and not Jason Grimsley. No one cares if you stink.
Game of the Week
Penn State at No. 9 Ohio State -- 3:30 p.m. ET on ABC/ESPN
Joe Paterno resisted being sentimental about his 400th career win. Considering Penn State lost by 21 points in the two games it has played against ranked opponents this season, Paterno will likely get another week to ponder the significance of 400 wins.
Cupcake of the Week
Louisiana-Monroe: No. 5 LSU welcomes 4-5 Louisiana-Monroe of the Sun Belt Conference to Tiger Stadium this week (7:00 p.m. ET on ESPN3.com). The Warhawks played two other SEC teams this season, Arkansas and Auburn, and lost by a combined score of 83-10. But Les Miles isn't overlooking them: "This is a quality team, I watched them play. They have players. Their quarterback is very talented. We're going to have to play and play well." Miles might even be crazy enough to believe that.
Rivalry Game of the Week
No. 23 South Carolina at No. 22 Florida -- 7:15 p.m. ET on ESPN
South Carolina-Florida isn't an historic rivalry -- the Gamecocks have never won in Florida and lost by 50 points there two years ago -- but Steve Spurrier coaching against his old team will always be a story and the winner of this game wins the SEC East.
The other option for Rivalry Game of the Week is No. 4 Boise State at Idaho (Friday at 9:00 p.m. ET on ESPN2), but I don't want to support this sort of potato-related violence.
Heisman Candidate in the Crosshairs
Kellen Moore and LaMichael James
Right or wrong, many Heisman voters are going to be looking for reasons to not vote for Cam Newton now. Moore and James need to show they are anti-Newtons by going above and beyond to prove that they have never received any money. Will it be harder to run in old leather boots with their toes poking through? Sure. But winning the Heisman isn't easy.
Mascot Fact of the Week
The Stanford Tree is not Stanford's official mascot. It is only the official mascot of the university band. In 1972, Stanford's team name was changed from Indians to Cardinal, but no new mascot was developed. In 1975, the band suggested a tree mascot as a joke, but it actually caught on. For the first few years of its existence, the Tree was played by the Stanford band manager's girlfriend, which is a way better joke than the Tree idea itself. Band manager's girlfriend. Good one, guys!
Tailgate Tip of the Week
Two weeks ago in the Varsity Tailgate I advised you to purchase a Sanitation Equipment Visa 268 Deluxe Portable Toilet instead of using a Porta Potty. Apparently none of the seven football fans at Duke read this column. Tailgating is cancelled there now because a teenager was found unconscious in a portable toilet. No tailgating. Which means instead of staying outside the stadium, Duke fans might have to go in and watch the Blue Devils play football. Yikes. The worst punishment of all.
Tailgate Recipe of the Week
Cam Fig Newtons: Just serve regular Fig Newtons, but start a rumor they were dipped in Cristal before being baked and that the figs were imported from Morocco.
Tailgate Photo of the Week
None. I had a lot to choose from, but none appropriate for a family-friendly, Disney-owned site. If anyone could send a tailgate photo for next week that doesn't include nudity or a felony, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks!
Quote of the Week
"It's an embarrassment what their academic institution is, and what's happened to them as far as their state funding has gone. In my mind it's a wonderful athletic facility but they've watched it at the expense of the university go really down."
-- Scott Woodward, University of Washington athletic director, on Oregon in a radio interview following the Huskies' 53-16 loss to the Ducks.
Coach on the Hot Seat
Mack Brown: Brown isn't in danger of being fired. But having lost five of six, criticism is mounting and several of his assistants are sure to be let go. On the plus side, in a year in which many thought the Cowboys would go to the Super Bowl and the Texans would make the playoffs, Texas is still easily the best football program in the state. Hook 'em, Horns!
Name of the Week
Courtney Bridget, CB, UNLV: Courtney Bridget's middle name is Duane. I guessed it was something like Cynthia or Sheryl.
Stone Cold Lock of the Week
Mississippi State plays Alabama this week. A few hours before kickoff, they will pass along a few rumors they heard about Mark Ingram and Greg McElroy demanding money to play at Alabama.
DJ Gallo is the founder of SportsPickle.com. His first book, "The View from the Upper Deck," is available from only the finest bargain book retailers. His next book project will be released soon. You can follow him on Twitter at @DJGalloESPN.