Much ado about A-Rod and Madonna   

Updated: November 4, 2008, 12:10 PM ET

  • Comment
  • Email
  • Print
  • Share

The New York Post reported last week that Alex Rodriguez and Madonna recently helicoptered to the Hamptons to hang out with Jerry Seinfeld.

The purpose of the meeting? Who knows. But Page 2 believes the threesome is planning to do a sitcom. We reason, after a few years off, that Seinfeld is ready to revive his legendary show, that Madonna will do anything for some TV time and, well, that A-Rod probably will do anything Madonna tells him to do.

Here is the debut season of the sitcom the three sketched out during their time together.

"The Note"
After getting treatment from a trainer on his injured hamstring, A-Rod informs Jerry that he fears "it moved." Madonna sets her pal's mind at ease about ambiguous sexual feelings by giving him a copy of her controversial 1992 book "Sex."

"The Contest"
Jerry, Madonna and A-Rod decide to hold a contest of a very intimate nature. A-Rod quickly is eliminated after seeing himself in the bathroom mirror following a fresh hair-tip frosting. Madonna loses the next morning after waking up from a dream in which she was simultaneously on the covers of Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, Time, Newsweek, Investor's Business Daily, Popular Mechanics, Teen Beat and AARP The Magazine. Jerry therefore wins the contest and admits he never was once in the mood due to watching the New York Mets collapse down the stretch.

"The Parking Garage"
The trio spends the entire episode lost in Seinfeld's massive garage looking for his red Bugatti Veyron. A-Rod eventually urinates on his hands to toughen them up.

"The Rye"
Madonna keeps encouraging A-Rod to "do everything." Eventually he agrees. And enjoys it. But that night at the Yankees' game, he is so exhausted he strikes out five times and makes four errors.

"The Pitch"
Jerry, A-Rod and Scott Boras pitch a contract extension to the Yankees. All contract incentives are based on regular-season performance and none on production or winning in the postseason -- so basically, a season about nothing.

"The Apartment"
Carl Pavano's expiring contract makes an apartment near A-Rod available and Madonna moves in, but he quickly becomes annoyed with the sound of her horrible music being played at all hours. Meanwhile, A-Rod starts wearing a World Series ring to see whether it changes how people treat him.

"The Checks"
When Brian Cashman signs a bunch of star Japanese players, A-Rod offers to put them up at his place. Madonna throws a risqué hot tub party at A-Rod's, and the humidity warps the drawers the new players are sleeping in -- essentially locking them shut. Desperate to get them out before a big game with wild-card implications, A-Rod breaks the dresser apart with a bat.

"The Pez Dispenser"
Jerry's Pez dispenser makes A-Rod laugh out loud at a concert given by Madonna. She's upset until A-Rod explains the Pez dispenser's massive head and slim body reminded him of Jason Giambi.

"The Boyfriend"
Jerry meets Keith Hernandez. A-Rod then convinces the Yankees to sign Hernandez because, even at age 55, he is better than most of their other options at first.

"The Bubble Boy"
Jerry, A-Rod and Madonna visit Roger Clemens at his remote Texas cabin. They find Clemens living in a germ-free plastic bubble in a desperate attempt to prove to everyone that he is completely pure.

"The Pick"
A-Rod gets caught loafing off first in a crucial game against the Rays. Meanwhile, Madonna is distraught over sending out a card to friends that mistakenly does not show her nipples.

"The Caddie"
A-Rod befriends a caddie who convinces him to try professional golf. Also, he starts wearing a bra all around town.

"The Switch"
In this episode, Madonna's full name is revealed to be Madonna Louise Ciccone.

"The Lip Reader"
Madonna tells A-Rod she has the ability to read lips. He is intrigued and asks her to tell him what fans at Yankee Stadium are saying about him. What she reports depresses him. Also, A-Rod decides to help out the team in an extra capacity by serving as bat man.

"The Non-Fat Yogurt"
Madonna discovers a new supplement that she introduces to the Yankees. But after Giambi starts hitting for power and average, they suspect it is tainted.

"The Puffy Shirt"
Madonna designs a line of conical undergarments based off her famous conical bra. Unable to understand her British accent, A-Rod accidentally agrees to wear a conical protective cup in New York's first series of the season in Boston. He is mercilessly heckled by the Red Sox fans.

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.


Comments

You must be signed in to post a comment

Already have an account?