Dear Coach Gundy ...
We must admit, we'd never heard of Oklahoma State head football coach Mike Gundy until his blowup last weekend. As it turns out, he's not only an enthusiastic supporter of his players, but also a renowned advice columnist whose homespun, rage-filled wisdom gives answers, hope and comfort to people from all walks of life.
Take a look at his latest column.
I am really worried about global warming, as well as all of the trash piling up in our landfills. What can we do?
-- Chase, 28, Philadelphia
"That's why I don't read the newspaper! Because it's garbage!"
I am a newly single guy who is back in the game and going after women a lot younger than I am. Do you have any surefire pickup lines I can use?
-- Shaquille, 35, Miami
"Come after me! I'm a man! I'm 40! I'm not a kid!"
AP Photo/Harry Cabluck
Next time you have a problem, you know who to write to. Mike Gundy!
I am a boxer who is about to be shamed out of the sport and am considering another career path. What is the difference between boxing and mixed martial arts?
-- Oscar, 34, Los Angeles
"Kick a person when he's down!"
Why do you think Lance Armstrong doesn't get much scrutiny at all from the American press compared to Barry Bonds?
-- Roger, 45, New York
"He's respectful to the media! He's respectful to the public!"
Why do so many Philadelphia fans get on Donovan McNabb? He's a good enough guy.
-- Andy, 49, Philadelphia
"He's fat, and he comes home crying to his mom."
The Holocaust never happened. The 9/11 attacks were carried out by Zionists. Iran's nuclear program is entirely peaceful. I look suave in Members Only jackets. Agree?
-- Darren, Philadelphia
"Three-fourths of this is inaccurate. It's fiction."
I am a former NBA referee who is considering running a point-shaving operation in college sports to fill my free time. Any tips?
-- Tim, 40, Pennsylvania
"If you want to go after an athlete -- one of my athletes -- you go after one who doesn't do the right things!"
My husband and I are happily married, but our sex life is getting stale. Should we invite another man into our bed to spice things up? (I got the idea from a New York Post story about James Woods and O.J. and Nicole Simpson.)
-- Lonely In Stillwater, Okla.
"This article embarrasses me to be involved with athletics."
My boss says it's OK to call women [expletives]. One of my coworkers slept with an intern. The guy who runs everything fired a woman who complained about sexual harassment. I'm new to the company -- is this normal workplace behavior?
-- Zach, 26, New York
"It's OK. They're supposed to be mature adults. But they're really not."
I'm not gay. I have an extra-wide bathroom stance, and while I work with legal documents all the time, I'm having some legal troubles. You easily can back out of guilty pleas, right?
-- Larry, 62, Washington, DC
"That's not true. Get your facts straight."
I have decided to go to Oklahoma. I don't think your program is good enough for me.
-- Five-star recruit
"I hope someday you have a child and somebody downgrades them and belittles them."
The first episode of "Dancing With The Stars" brought in 18.3 million viewers. Will you vote for me?
-- Mark, 49, Dallas
"Are you kidding me? Where are we at in society today?"
I have a lot of young kids. I mean A LOT. So many, I can't keep up with them all, and I need something to keep them entertained. What do you think about the Harry Potter book series? Is it appropriate for young children?
-- Travis, 28, Denver
"I don't read it, but it was brought to me by a mother with children. Think this is worth reading."
We're working on the next issue of People's 50 Most Beautiful People. Any suggestions?
-- Editor, People Magazine, New York
"Write something about me!"
Why are little kids so annoying? Is it possible to like them?
-- Matt, 24, Arizona
"If you have a child someday, you'll understand how it feels. But you obviously don't have a child. I do."
Do you wear a visor because you desperately want to be like me?
-- Bob, 46, Norman, Okla.
"That ain't true!"
I'm a sportswriter, and one of the coaches I cover recently blew up at me during a news conference. He seemed very upset, but it was hard for me to take him seriously since he was wearing a visor the entire time. He looked like a frat kid, sans a plastic cup full of warm Natty Light. Was I wrong to snicker?
-- Jenni, Oklahoma City
"Who's the kid? Who's the kid here? Are you kidding me? That's all I've got to say."
What do you think about this column?
-- DJ and Patrick, The Internet
"The editor who let it come out is garbage!"
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" is on sale now. Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.