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If it's not your dish, the feds have you in a kettle of fish.
Let's see Johnnie Cochran get O.J. Simpson out of this one.
Satellite television provider DirectTV has filed a lawsuit against the one-time Heisman winner and murder suspect, seeking $20,000 and alleging Simpson pirated their satellite signal. We'll let the justice system handle the messy details of the case -- federal agents removed satellite equipment from Simpson's home during a 2001 raid but charges were never filed -- but what has Simpson been watching?
After doing a little "privateering" of our own, we've uncovered Simpson's Tivo records. On the advice of Martha Stewart's defense team, Simpson agreed to meet our investigators at Mezzaluna to comment on a few of the more suspicious entries.
Law & Order
OJ: I never really watched this show until it showed up on my list of recommended viewing. And once they added Elisabeth Rohm to the cast, I was hooked. I don't know what it is, but I just have a thing for blondes.
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
OJ: As an actor, I'm really impressed by the yeoman thespian work on all of the Law & Order shows. But I do wish they'd offer a little more balanced look at each case. Every episode, it's like they assume there must be a murderer just because there is a mangled body.
OJ: It's scary how plausible they make solving all these old cases. It makes you wonder if they can do that in real life.
OJ: Hey, it's not like I'm the only one watching this show.
OJ: I like to take notes while watching. You know, just for fun. But I wish they used more real Miami locations.
OJ: I'm still waiting for the episode on the child-rearing travails for single parents cleared of murdering their ex-spouse, but Dr. Phil's advice really transcends all problems.
Dave Chapelle Show
OJ: Have you seen him make fun of Tiger Woods? Classic stuff, just classic.
OJ: They say to know a man, you have to walk a mile in his shoes. Well, I've walked a mile in Robert Blake's Bruno Maglis, and I know how he feels. Plus, Michael D. Roberts was brilliant as "Rooster."
OJ: It's tough for me to go out to restaurants anymore, so I do a lot of cooking at home. Emeril really makes it easy for the average stay-at-home dad to follow along with his recipes. And boy, is that guy a whiz with his knives, or what? Watching him slice and dice is mesmerizing.
Home Shopping Network
OJ: Same deal, it's just tough to go out these days. With Home Shopping Network I can sit at home and pick out what I need. They have everything: cookware, jewelry, furniture, gloves. They've got great gloves. And some of the technology gadgets are going to prove really useful in my search for the real killers. My lawyer will kill me for admitting this, but all that satellite equipment the feds took a few years ago? All part of my search network.
Will and Grace
OJ: It's sweet how much those two rely on each other to get through the hard times. Really reminds me of the good old days with Al Cowlings. I guess that makes Rosie Greer sort of like Karen.
The Naked Gun
OJ: How does DirecTV get the nerve to say I'm stealing from them when they've been making money off my performances for years. They can say NFL Sunday Ticket is their flagship programming, but I think we all know people open their wallets for Nordberg.
The Naked Gun 2 1/2
OJ: Did you know Leslie Nielsen had problems remembering his lines for this movie? Luckily, I had so few of my own, I was able to help him memorize his.
The Naked Gun 33 1/3
OJ: Actually, even I couldn't watch this one. I think this record must be from when Kato was housesitting last year.
OJ: Speaking of that guy, I always kind of laughed when Kato told me he was in movies. Then son of a gun, this comes on one night. Man, now I owe him $20.
Red Shoe Diaries 5: Weekend Pass
OJ: Paula Barbieri is in this one, and I always like to keep tabs on what my ex-girlfriends are up to.
The Golf Channel
OJ: Yeah, so I watch a lot of golf. A lot of golf. You know, if someone ever did a series about investigating golf-course murders, I'd be all over that. Maybe I could even star as the crime-solving club pro. I've got to call Don Ohlmeyer about that.
NFL Sunday Ticket
OJ: I still love watching the games on Sunday afternoon, even if I cringe every time they throw it down to Marcus Allen on the sideline. Of course, I still focus on the running backs. Jamal Lewis is one of my favorites. I'm hoping to get a chance to talk to him if he retains the same legal counsel.
Graham Hays writes "Out of the Box" five days a week in--between moonlighting for Page 2. He can be reached at email@example.com.