I've seen just one episode of "Friends" (the Fun Bobby one). Started watching "24" a couple months ago (I might place a write-in vote for President Palmer in 2008). Didn't get an iPod until late last year. Still had a Jheri curl when the ball dropped on 1990. Have never seen "Entourage" (ordered the first couple discs from Netflix a week ago). But not to worry, Sports Guy, I am through three seasons of "The Wire," which I agree is the best show on television.

As you can see, I'm adept at latching onto things late.

So, determined not to let another hugely popular phenomenon pass me by, I've gone against my instincts as a sports purist, shelved my deeply-embedded fears, and joined a club that has 13.6 million members.

Fantasy Football Nation, meet your newest member.

I was too curious about fantasy football to let another season pass by without participating. Besides, once I read that fantasy football is expected to cost businesses $435 million a week this NFL season because of lowered worker productivity, I wanted to see just how much money I could single-handedly cost ESPN.

I've been avoiding fantasy football mostly out of fear. Fear that, at some point, I'll be forced to root against my favorite team (the 49ers). And fear that I'll be exposed as a pro football numbskull. But then I remembered I'm the same person who bet someone that Charles Rogers would be a better pro than Andre Johnson. So credibility waved bye-bye to me a long time ago.

My fantasy football membership is not even a week old, but I already feel different. More mature and authoritative. Life has more purpose and meaning.

Granted, I'm still trying to make sense of my new world, where knowing that San Diego wide receiver Vincent Jackson averaged 16.8 yards per catch and scored six touchdowns last season is as important as knowing Matthew was one of the 12 disciples.

Anyway, a few early thoughts about my new life as a fantasy footballer:

1. Wars could be prevented by fantasy football. Would George W. Bush have gone through with the war in Iraq if Saddam had traded him Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson for Steven Jackson? If they had fantasy football leagues in prisons, how many fewer prison uprisings would there be? The entry fees could be two packs of Ramen Noodles. Free-agent pickups? Cost ya two Virginia Slims. And the league winner gets soap on a rope and a subscription to Penthouse.

2. Top-5 addictions: (1) crack, (2) fantasy football, (3) alcohol, (4) porn, (5) "Cosby Show" reruns.

3. Next time, I'm following my gut instinct when it comes to picking my fantasy team's name. I wanted to name my team either Bad Newz Kennel or Skip Bayless' Hair. But I went with neither. Keep reading to see what I did name it. (In TV, we call that a teaser.)

4. Fantasy football brings out the dark side in human beings. ESPN NFL analyst and "Around the Horn" regular Michael Smith has left me a couple of threatening messages, saying that if I don't join one of his fantasy leagues, I'm going to wake up with one less kneecap. Smith is in eight fantasy leagues. Anybody know if increased fantasy football participation makes you prone to violence?

Since joining Three Rivers, my 10-team league comprised of friends and former colleagues in Detroit, I've had at least 10 this-can't-be what-I've-become moments. Was that me who compiled a draft board with the top 15 players at quarterback, running back, wide receiver and kicker? Was that me who started trembling because I picked up Joseph Addai and Willie Parker? Was that me listening to the Steelers-Eagles preseason game on the radio to hear if Parker's knee was healthy?

I'll save the psychoanalysis for the shrink I'll need after I'm done with this season. Let's get to my fantasy team, since that's all I seem to be capable of talking about these days. Feedback is strongly encouraged.

Team name: Flying Wallendas. (I know, I should have gone with Bad Newz Kennel.)

Quarterbacks: Philip Rivers, Jake Delhomme, Jeff Garcia.

Running backs: Joseph Addai, Willie Parker, Julius Jones, Adrian Peterson (Minnesota), Michael Turner, Jerious Norwood.

Wide receivers: Donte Stallworth, Darrell Jackson, Drew Bennett, Vincent Jackson, Brandon Marshall.

Kicker: Martin Gramatica.

Defense: New England.

So should I be optimistic about my rookie season?

I wish I could spend the next 745 words breaking down why I'm not enamored with my wide receivers and fretting over whether Stallworth will stay healthy. But unfortunately I just received another threatening message. This time, it's not from Michael Smith, but Yahoo.com NFL writer Charles Robinson, the commissioner of Smith's league and my buddy from college. (By the way, Charles is the guy Reggie Bush would like to plant under a levee since it was Charles who first reported Bush, uh, took a pay cut when he went to the Saints.)

Charles' text message read: "Unless you want to wake up with a (enter an R-rated word here) horse's head in your bed …

You don't need further details.

But assuming I don't turn up missing, you'll get occasional reports on the progress of my fantasy team this season. Feel free to start a pool on whether I can make the playoffs with this squad. Definitely e-mail me possible trade packages that I can offer for a stud receiver.

Oh, and I keep hearing something about a George Foreman grill. Anybody know what that's about?

Page 2 columnist Jemele Hill can be reached at jemeleespn@gmail.com.