GLENDALE, Ariz. -- The quarterbacks in Monday's national championship game have been dissected and discussed ad nauseam. And while we've broken down everything from their decision-making to their execution, we have yet to illuminate the truly important differences between Chris Leak and Troy Smith.
We won't bore you with any more in-depth analysis. However, we feel it's important to note that a New York stripper gave one of the quarterbacks her personal seal of approval, and we've got evidence the other QB might be a droid. (Question: Is playing a droid an NCAA violation?)
Anyway, here's what you really need to know about the two QBs
Smith: A man enjoying being The Man.
Smith: Airport security wouldn't let him carry his Heisman on the plane. He had to ship it home.
Leak: Florida fans booed him during a home game against Kentucky.
Will be a good pro because:
Smith: A stripper from New York City's famous Scores strip club -- where Smith celebrated his Heisman win -- told the New York Post's Page Six that Smith is "a natural leader." Who needs the Wonderlic when you've got an endorsement from Kendall?
Leak: He knows what it's like to produce and not be appreciated for it.
Words that frighten them:
Smith: NCAA investigation
Leak: Tim Tebow
Best thing he said in Arizona:
Smith: Broke down the art of the In-N-Out Burger as if he were Jules from "Pulp Fiction": "The lettuce and tomatoes are extremely fresh. And they toast the buns. That's key. They use a special kind of sauce, too."
Leak: "Hi. My name is Chris Leak. I am a quarterback for the University of Florida. Message repeat. Hi. My name is Chris Leak. I am a quarterback for the University of Florida. Message repeat "
Smith: Not following the Maurice Clarett career plan.
Leak: During his senior year of high school, he spent his savings to visit Gainesville to study Florida's playbook and get game film. Cabo couldn't compete.
How he spent his college nights:
Smith: What happens in Columbus stays in Columbus.
Leak: Practicing plays in his apartment with teammates/roommates Skyler Thornton and Andre Caldwell freshman year.
Smith: His hometown, Cleveland, honored him with Troy Smith Day.
Leak: Holds every significant Florida passing record.
Star Wars name:
Smith: Trosmi Smicle
Leak: Chrle Lecha
How he'll celebrate winning the national title:
Smith: Lap dances and burgers
Leak: Pinot Grigio and game film
WINNER: Troy Smith. He's no robot.
Jemele Hill, a Page 2 columnist and writer for ESPN the Magazine, can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.