Page 2 columnist
Should have gotten it in writing.
That's the message from Protect Condoms, Inc., a Colorado-based company that has created a pre-sexual consent forms for high-profile athletes and celebrities who desire protection from potential sexual assault charges.
According to a report in the Washington Post, the one-page forms are the brainchild of company president Nelson Barnes, who got the idea after Bryant was changed with felony sexual assault following an encounter with a 19-year-old hotel clerk at a Colorado resort.
The forms are to be signed prior to a sexual encounter by two parties, both of whom agree to "engage in any and all sexual acts legally permissible under state and federal law with consentee."
Thoughtfully, the $7.99 form also comes packaged with a pair of condoms, ribbed for her pleasure.
Okay, so we're making the ribbed part up.
"This really is for someone you don't know," attorney Evan Spencer, who wrote the pre-consent form, told the Post. "If you're a professional athlete on the road, and you encounter someone you don't know, certainly a man of means will want to be protected by something like this."
Will they ever. In fact, Page 2 thinks pre-consent forms are a swell idea -- so swell that they shouldn't be limited to tawdry, extramarital sexual exchanges.
After huddling with our crack legal team -- i.e., Lionel Hutz and Snoopy, the World Famous Beagle Attorney -- we've drawn up some other pre-consent forms, ones that could help certain sports figures avoid potentially entangling situations:
|The David Joseph Athlete-Agent Pre-Consent Form|
For: The busy, busy sports agent who spends so much time tending to his well-liked client's vast array of endorsements and motivational speaking engagements that he forgets the little things. Like filing for free agency before the NFL deadline.
Cost: About $10-15 million in signing bonus money.
Pertinent Language: "... the co-signee (i.e., the 'athlete') agrees not to terminate nor take legal action against the agent at any time and for any cause, including (but not limited to) gross malpractice; professional incompetence; failure to check one's fax machine; disregard of one's e-mail inbox; inability to read and/or comprehend a standard Gregorian desk calendar ..."
|The Gary Barnett Coach-Recruit Pre-Consent Form|
For: The honest and upright college football coach who has no idea about what goes on during campus recruiting visits -- and shouldn't be expected to, since he's just a football coach, and can't be held accountable for the actions of a few bad apples, even though he picked them himself. Also, Katie Hnida was a crummy kicker, okay?
Cost: Whatever investigators deem appropriate.
Pertinent Language: "... the co-signee (i.e., the 'coach') agrees to disavow any and all knowledge of raging keggers, ganja-sotten blowouts and dial-a-stripper hoe-downs involving his players and the other co-signees (i.e., the recruits'), even if said keggers and blowouts are a well-known enticement for the aforementioned recruits to sign a national letter of intent; additionally, the recruit agrees not to inform the coach of any concurrent sexual activity of a one-on-one or group nature, particularly non-consentual sexual activity resulting in subsequent prosecution and/or an outraged column in the back of Sports Illustrated ..."
|The Todd Bertuzzi Blindside Checker-Checkee Pre-Consent Form|
For: The physical, aggressive hockey player who's looking for a little payback ... in the form of body-slamming a smaller, defenseless opponent from behind.
Cost: The rest of the season and all of the playoffs.
Pertinent Language: "... the co-signee (i.e., the 'victim') agrees that hockey is by nature a violent, physical and emotional game in which the participants cannot reasonably be expected to control their level of aggression, especially when said aggression is part of a premeditated plan to 'do something for the team'; as such, the victim also agrees that by stepping onto the ice, they acknowledge all of the risks involved, waive the right to subsequent legal recourse and assume TOTAL AND FULL responsibility for any physical harm suffered at the hands of the other co-signee (i.e., the 'attacker'), including grisly neck injuries sustained from being hit in the back of the head and then driven into the ice, face-first ..."
|The Davis Love III Fan-Golfer Pre-Consent Form|
For: The professional golfer who appreciates a little quiet in what remains the sport of gentlemen. And, of course, John Daly.
Cost: A $1.2 million purse.
Pertinent Language: "... the co-signee (i.e., the 'uncouth fan who should take his loudmouth act somewhere else, like a football game') agrees that this is the genteel game of GOLF, not basketball or baseball or some other plebeian pastime enjoyed by the barbaric, unwashed spectating masses who bleat and screech at every play like stray cats in heat; consequently, the co-signee agrees not to verbally question, proposition or harass the other co-signee (i.e., the 'namby-pamby pro golfer who has a Roman numeral after his name and would probably wet himself if he had to drop a putt in front of a ThunderStix-waving galley'). Yelling, taunting, whispering, whistling, offering beer, snapping one's fingers, scratching a mosquito bite on one's forearm and adding 'no' to the pro golfer's last name are expressly prohibited, punishable by removal from the golf course and/or public execution ..."
|The Karim Garica Pizza Parlor Lavatory Pre-Consent Form|
For: The baseball player who just has to go. Right now.
Cost: A reprimand; whatever type of fine the Mets are handing out to jerks these days.
Pertinent Language: "... the co-signee (i.e., the 'pizzaboy') agrees that urination is a normal and natural bodily function; in addition, he agrees that bladder pressure, be it light or severe, can cause mental anguish, extreme physical discomfort and a uncontrollable urge to void oneself on the nearest waterproof surface, such as the pavement outside a pizzeria, regardless of close physical proximity to said pizzeria's bathroom, which could require waiting in line for upwards of a minute. Pizzaboy also agrees not to confront the other co-signee (i.e., the 'drunken ballplayer') over urinary incidents, nor will pizzaboy contact law enforcement officials after tripping over a curb ..."
|The Gary Sheffield Personal Training Pre-Consent Form|
For: The slugger who has never 'knowingly' ingested a steroid or applied an anabolic steroid cream to his body, even though his personal trainer allegedly gave him performance-enhancing drugs.
Cost: One reputation.
Pertinent Language: "... the co-signee (i.e., the old-but-mysteriously-ripped ballplayer), being of sound mind and sound, non-chemically-enhanced body, agrees not to ask the other co-signee (i.e., personal trainer Greg Anderson) about the molecular composition of any and all pills, nutritional supplements and clear creams provided by the trainer as part of an all-natural workout routine that somehow produces 30 pounds of additional muscle in a month's time; similarly, the trainer agrees not to inform the ballplayer about the composition of said training aids, or even suggest a link between them and a 72-homer season. If, at any time, the training aids are called into question (i.e., as part of a federal grand jury probe), the ballplayer agrees to profess ignorance and offer to pee in a cup three times a day while Damon Stoudamire watches; the trainer agrees to testify that while he may have given said training aids to the slugger, he never actually saw the slugger use them, because all training sessions took place with the trainer wearing Cedric Ceballos' blindfold ..."
|The O.J. Simpson DirecTV Pre-Consent Form|
For: The Heisman trophy winner and acquitted double-murderer who once rushed for 2,003 yards, so why should he have to pay for his NFL Sunday Ticket package?
Pertinent Language: "... the co-signee (i.e., the 'Juice') agrees to take a much-needed break from combing the nation's golf courses in search of the real killers by enjoying free satellite television service. Television programming in question shall include (but will not be limited to) reruns of "Capricorn One," "Frogmen" and "1st and Ten," as well as National Football League games, excluding those involving the Arizona Cardinals. The second co-signee (i.e. "DirecTV') agrees not to press charges or prosecute the Juice if and when pirate access devices known as 'bootloaders' are discovered in his home by federal law enforcement agents during a raid intended to break up an alleged Ecstasy ring ..."
Patrick Hruby is a sportswriter for the Washington Times.