The site goes on to claim that the Whizzinator is easy to use. Au contraire. Admittedly, this is not our area of expertise, but the contraption seems quite complicated. First, you have to mix clean, dehydrated urine (sold separately, like AA batteries) with warm water, then inject the solution into the bladder.
Note that this can be tricky, especially if you're used to blindly injecting things into your rear. Or having home run-hitting teammates do it for you.
Then you have to put the device on. The site recommends adjusting the Whizzinator so that "the end of the prosthesis" lines up with "the end of your penis," thereby making it "easier to find." Sound advice, especially if you carry keys or a cell phone. But what if the device is so darn comfortable that you forget all about it, go fishing for a stick of gum and end up holding a fake plastic penis in the middle of the dugout?
The Whizzinator home page goes on to show a model unzipping but not unbuttoning his pants. In real life, this is grossly ill-advised, given the awkwardness involved and the potential for injury from the zipper's steely teeth.
No wonder the Web site emphasizes a need for practice.
To their credit, the Whizzinator's creators offer colored models for white, tan, brown, black and "Latino" users. Problem is, this is little help if you get the wrong shade delivered in the mail, and less help if you happen to look like Michael Jackson.
(Besides tan? Down there? Honestly, that's sorta sketchy, and probably painful.)
For all these reasons and more, our athletes need something better. We owe them something better. America spent billions on stealth technology. Couldn't that be applied to a new generation of sleek, radar-evading fake plastic penises that can pass through an airport scanner with nary a peep? Should the military's bounty be limited to moronic upcoming Jamie Foxx flicks?
For that matter, why not fashion the urine bladder to look like something ubiquitous? Such as an iPod? Creative camouflage could make having a bag of pre-warmed reconstituted pee strapped to your body appear slightly less suspicious. Slightly.
Along the same lines, the Whizzinator requires users to unclip a urine valve with one hand while holding the prothesis with the other. Talk about archaic. This is the digital age. At least make the valve cell phone-activated, so that athletes can pretend to be on the line while they're fumbling through their tests.
Again, it's all about creating a credible illusion.
Building a better fake plastic penis isn't just morally commendable. It's economically necessary. With baseball now screening for steroids, the market for test-thwarting prosthetics is expanding exponentially.
Who will seize the moment? Right now, as you read, Chinese scientists are toiling day and night to create a cheaper, more advanced alternative. Will we dare we fall behind?
Will our children live as second-class citizens in the new world order, dangling outdated Whizzinators from empty pockets as better-equipped foreign competitors gobble up all the good drug-tested sports jobs?