Page 2
News item: Pittsburgh police charged Brian Jackson, 31, with harassment and criminal mischief after he allegedly dated two women by pretending to be Steelers quarterbacks Ben Roethlisberger and Brian St. Pierre.
Great idea. Lousy execution.
Here at Page 2, we still believe in the power of love. In fact, we're pretty much hopeless romantics -- particularly when said romance is utterly hopeless.
Hence, our infatuation with Anna Kournikova.
As such, we applaud Jackson's naked bootleg around the punishing blitz of conventional courtship. A little imagination never hurt anyone; more to the point, fake ardor is better than no ardor at all.
On the other hand, Jackson's ground game needs work.
A would-be pigskin Cyrano, Jackson committed two crucial errors. First, he told one woman to watch Pittsburgh games so she could see him in action. Second, he autographed a Steelers jersey owned by the other woman's neighbor.
When Woman No. 1 saw the real-life St. Pierre on television, she was not amused. Nor was the second woman's neighbor, now stuck with a ruined jersey.
Enter the cops. Jackson might as well have been flagged for intentional grounding.
And to think: None of this had to happen.
Had Jackson been a little more diligent -- had he just done his homework -- he still could be fooling those women today. Pity. So learn from his example. Don't make the same mistakes.
In the interest of fostering meaningful, lasting relationships -- and helping our readers get lucky -- Page 2 presents the following crib sheets. Each one is good for impersonating a sports star, ready to use on a first date.
Study. Absorb. Become.
Remember: You might not look like Shaquille O'Neal. You might not sound like Shaquille O'Neal. But if you're willing to put in the work and/or watch "Kazaam" 500 times, you might be able to dupe a blind person.
When it comes to the crazy, mixed-up thing we call love, that ought to count for something.
Lance Armstrong
You are: The King of the Tour de France.
Appropriate attire: Anything yellow, festooned with corporate logos.
Pickup line: "Wanna go for a ride?" (Get it? A ride? That's quality comedy).
Talking points: You're an American hero. Act cool and inscrutable. Let your date do the yapping.
Potential pitfalls: French border police interrupt dinner to extract blood and urine samples; real-life Lance is buddies with Robin Williams, which means you might have to pretend that you enjoyed the movie "Toys." The horror. The horror!.
It helps if: You can ride a bike without training wheels. Also, get familiar with spandex.
Deal-sealing move: Put on a Sheryl Crow CD. Weep. Lament that you've been dumped. Tell your date that while your aerobic capacity is superhuman, your heart is the same as everyone else's. Ask her for a hug. Ask her to go upstairs.
Impersonation odds: Low. Vogue and Cat Fancy are the only magazine covers Lance hasn't scored lately.
Tiger Woods
You are: The world's top golfer.
Appropriate attire: Something red. With a Nike swoosh.
Pickup line: "Turn around. Hmmm. I like what I see on the back nine."
