Single page view By Patrick Hruby
Page 2

News item: Hoping to become an action star, Jose Canseco is pitching himself to Hollywood studios and television networks. His demo tape includes scenes shot with Canseco's 8-year-old daughter -- meant to show his sensitive side -- as well as Canseco twirling nunchucks as a sultry, nightgown-clad woman lounges nearby.

I'll say this for Jose Canseco: Like any good bouncer, he looks vaguely menacing. His delivery before Congress was as wooden as a Louisville Slugger. And he reportedly holds some sort of black belt.

Jose Canseco
AP
Doesn't Jose fit right in on the red carpet? Nice shirt.

All of which makes him as qualified to be a Hollywood action hero as, well, Steven Seagal.

And Jean-Claude Van Damme.

And Brian Bosworth.

And Howie Long.

OK, so maybe the notion of Canseco as the next Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't completely ludicrous. After all, somebody bought tickets to "The Chronicles of Riddick."

Besides, Canseco has a best-selling book to his credit. Can a lug like The Rock boast the same?

Wait. He can. Our bad.

Anyway, the point is that crackin' skulls, under-emoting snappy one-liners and blowing up stuff while arching a quizzical, bemused eyebrow seems well within Canseco's thespian wheelhouse.

Plus, the man dated Madonna -- so he ought to have the crummy acting part down pat, if for no other reason than sheer osmosis.

Indeed, this could be the start of something big. Bigger than Marc Singer, even. And the only thing standing between Canseco and a future role in California state government is his amateurish demo tape.

Using Canseco's daughter? Creepy, and cheap. Nightgown-clad vixens? Leave that to the Tweed sisters.

Breaking out the 'chucks? No. No. A thousand times, no.

What Canseco needs is something fresh. Something that will show his potential range, even beyond formulaic action flicks. Something that will give producers a reason to choose his pumped-up biceps over those of, say, Michael Dudikoff.

Page 2's suggestion? Make a new tape, featuring reworked scenes from past hits -- only now with Canseco as the star of the show. Angling for a part in "Red Scorpion III"? Show 'em you would have killed (and killed some more) in "Red Scorpion II."

The possibilities are thrilling. And remember: Anything is better than coming off like Will Ferrell in "Wedding Crashers" …

Predator (1987)
BILLY and RAMIREZ stare up at the trees, fearful. CANSECO, DILLON and ANNA stand nearby. CANSECO cuts ANNA'S bonds with a knife.

DILLON: What the hell do you think you're doing?

CANSECO: Dillon, this thing doesn't care who we are, who she is. We make a stand now, or there won't be anyone left to make that chopper.

DILLON stares, incredulous. ANNA touches CANSECO'S arm.

ANNA: There is something else. When the big man was killed, you must have wounded it. Its blood was on the leaves.

ANNA touches her pant leg. She runs her hand along a glowing, neon-green stain, the color of Mountain Dew.

CANSECO: If it bleeds, we can kill it.

CANSECO pauses. He uses a finger to scoop up the goo from ANNA'S pants, then holds it to his nose.

CANSECO: Wait. Hold up. This is my blood. I'm in the middle of a Winstrol cycle. See how it glows in the twilight?

Continued...


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THE CANSECONATOR