Some people say there is no such thing as Bad Sports Hair, just bad, smarmy writers who poke fun at the fashion-forward.
These people are wrong. Also, they clearly didn't see Tiger Woods at the Presidents Cup.
|More Hairy Stories|
• Baseball's all-time all-hair squad
• Hair Hall of Shame, 2003
• NCAA All-Hair team, 2004
• NCAA All-Hair team, 2003
Bad Sports Hair is no Loch Ness Monster, some hazy figment of the collective imagination. It's real. And monstrous. It grows among us -- or fails to grow, in the case of Gene Keady.
And for that, all of us should be grateful.
Without Bad Sports Hair, good sports hair would be ordinary, unremarkable, de rigueur. We would simply take it for granted. Without winter, why celebrate spring? Without the Joker, who needs a giant Batlamp?
Sans Steve Lavin, would Lute Olson seem so suave?
With that in mind, consider Page 2's Bad Sports Hair Hall of Shame as much a celebration as a condemnation. Give a warm welcome to the Class of 2005. And always remember: like Darnell Hillman's epochal afro, the hall can contain multitudes ...
Style: A patchy-blonde dye job.
Status: Active, as of the Presidents Cup.
Inspired by: Leopards, which is a bit odd for a guy nicknamed "Tiger." Huzzah for cheap irony!
Fellow travelers: Bret Boone, Roger Clemens and Lou Pinella, who was making good on a promise after Tampa Bay won three consecutive games. At least he had an excuse.
Resembles: Forest fires at night; a Canola oil spill; Charlie Brown's multi-holed sheet Halloween costume.
Fashion statement: I'm the best golfer in the world, drowning in endorsement dollars and married to a Swedish bikini model ... who just happens to have a twin sister. Know what? I still get a little bored.
Practical value: With a better stylist, those patches could be fashioned into a Nike Swoosh, thereby pleasing Phil Knight.
For best results: Don protective mask and goggles before dipping head into a bucket of bleach.
Possible complications: Paparazzi will immortalize the look for posterity -- and when you finally come to your senses, your goose-stepping caddy won't be around to throw their cameras into a lake. Damn.
Style: A pigtails 'n braids mashup.
Inspired by: Pippi Longstocking, the strongest girl in the whole wide world.
Fellow travelers: Danny Fortson, Troy Hudson, 30-year-old Internet models attempting to look "barely legal."
Resembles: Pompoms for your head. Goooooo me! Number one!
Fashion statement: In China, pigtails once signified political enslavement -- and when a guy is struggling to feed a family on a paltry $14.6 million a year, enslaved is exactly how he feels.
Practical value: Helps draw fouls, if you swing your head just so while driving to the rack.
For best results: Secure pigtails with LIVESTRONG bands. Bad hair? Good cause.
Possible complications: You are mistaken for a WNBA player ... and offered a WNBA contract. Now that's struggling.
Style: An untamed red-orange mop.
Inspired by: Ronald McDonald.
Fellow travelers: Carlos Valderrama, Phil Spector, Luke Schenscher.
Resembles: A billowing cloud of Agent Orange; what the creators of the first atomic bomb saw at Trinity; Don King at sunset.
Fashion statement: Everybody chill -- I only look like an unfunny prop comedian.
Practical value: Who else gets their own troll doll night at the ballpark?
For best results: Pair with clown makeup, goofy shoes and a sack of french fries to complete the illusion.
Possible complications: The Hamburgler breaks into your apartment; federal prosecutors and MLB officials confuse you with the suddenly-buff Carrot Top, then launch a steroid probe.
Style: A gel-slicked comb-UP-and-over.
Status: Actively suffering.
Inspired by: An iconoclastic bent that will not be tamed by the NFL -- nor, for that matter, male pattern baldness.
Fellow travelers: Lou Henson, Gene Keady, Rudy Giuliani ... and every other comb-over artiste who only fools himself.
Resembles: A half-deployed canvas convertible top; the Texas Stadium roof.
Fashion statement: Look, you go to war with the hair you have, not the hair you might want or wish to have at a later time. For similar reasons, Kerry Collins is my starting quarterback.
Practical value: Juries find you approximately 10 percent more sympathetic. Or is it just pathetic?
For best results: Couple with a garish white jumpsuit. You know, so people don't notice your hair.
Possible complications: Jumpsuit isn't garish enough.
Style: A trim 'stache that does not extend beyond the corners of the mouth, as per police dress codes nationwide.
Inspired by: The men and women of law enforcement. Well, mostly the men.
Fellow travelers: Mike Holmgren and Bill Cowher. But not Dave Wannstedt, whose bushy, rebellious strip is pure "Magnum P.I." cheese.
Resembles: An immaculately-manicured hedge.
Fashion statement: C'mon, Mendoza, let's make a deal. Do I look like a narc to you?
Practical value: Get out of speeding and parking tickets; put a flashing siren on your car and no one bats an eye.
For best results: Goes great with an FBI T-shirt, unless FBI stands for "female body inspector."
Possible complications: Authorities ask you to capture the Bandit, lest he bring down the Republic by delivering contraband Coors beer east of the Mississippi.
Inspired by: The Nazarene Prince of Peace or Jim Morrison's Lizard King. Take your pick.
Fellow travelers: Brad Pitt in his shaggy period, stray dogs, that crazy homeless guy on the corner, Encino Man, the Biblical Sampson.
Resembles: A cascading brown waterfall of pure, virile manliness. Er, did we just say that out loud?
Fashion statement: Look at me! I'm different! Which is why you should buy my Red Sox championship insta-book, and not the other 18 quick-buck cash-in tomes on the shelf.
Practical value: Saves money, as tricked-out disposable razors are getting more expensive all the time. Mach 5 Turbo Boost Extreme Real Ultimate Power our [expletive]!
For best results: Avoid shampoo, barbers.
Possible complications: Aforementioned stray dogs ignore your leg and attempt to mount your head.
Style: Braids in the pattern of Goodyear's TripleTred tire.
Status: Mercifully inactive.
Inspired by: A hefty check from Goodyear. Also, the company gave Hamilton free tires. No lie.
Fellow travelers: NASCAR rides; European soccer jerseys; the Utah woman who had the name of an online casino tattooed to her forehead for $10,000.
Fashion statement: Like Ted DiBiase said, everyone has a price. Mine is free tires.
Practical value: Free tires will come in handy during the Detroit winter.
For best results: Inflate before use.
Possible complications: Firestone tread pattern could cause head to explode.
Style: Shoulder-length, red-orange locks.
Inspired by: Man in the state of nature. The state of hair nature.
Fellow travelers: Troy Polamalu, Yanni, Weird Al Yankovic, Conan the Destroyer.
Resembles: A beaver tail erupting from Peko's football helmet.
Fashion statement: Peko is 6-foot-2, weighs 320 pounds and could pile-drive us halfway to Beijing. As such, we think his 'do looks pretty good.
Practical value: How many other college defensive linemen are instantly recognizable on TV?
For best results: Forget grabby offensive linemen -- make sure hair doesn't get caught in the blow drier. Now that hurts.
Possible complications: Split ends. What's a self-respecting guy supposed to do?
Style: Words fail us.
Status: Inactive. But still a clear and present danger.
Inspired by: Psychedelic substances, apparently.
Fellow travelers: The Greek god Neptune, Tygra from "Thundercats."
Resembles: Nothing of this Earth.
Fashion statement: Repent, for the end is nigh.
Practical value: Identity theft highly unlikely; if they ever make "Mad Max 4," extra status is a lock.
For best results: Color rest of body hair, too.
Possible complications: People forget your previous 'do, which also was Hall-worthy.