By Patrick Hruby
Page 2

From Capitol Hill to Jose Canseco's star turn on "The Surreal Life," 2005 was a banner year for drugs in sports. Were you paying attention? Take our quiz and find out.

1. Former New York Yankees outfielder Matt Lawton tested positive for:
a) The veterinary steroid boldenone.
b) Science Diet dog food.
c) Mexican horse tranquilizers.
d) Panda bear fertility drugs.

Page 2
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2. Mark McGwire wasn't here to talk about:
a) The past.
b) His curiously shriveled physique.
c) The inability of a retired multimillionaire athlete to find a decent looking pair of eyeglasses.
d) All of the above.

3. Cyclist Tyler Hamilton blamed a failed doping test and subsequent suspension on:
a) An unborn, vanishing twin.
b) The Easter Bunny.
c) The CIA, the Mafia, the Freemasons, Fidel Castro, Area 51, 12 Jewish bankers in Zurich and a magic syringe that somehow defied the laws of physics to move back … and to the left.
d) Keyser Soze.

4. In an impassioned, finger-wagging statement before Congress, Rafael Palmeiro said:
a) "I have never used steroids. Period."
b) "I have never used steroids. Plural."
c) "I have never used steroids. Period. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to stand up. My butt hurts."
d) "I have never … oh God, my pants are on fire! Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!"

5. Palmeiro blamed his subsequent positive test for the steroid stanozolol on:
a) A vitamin B-12 shot administered by Baltimore Orioles teammate Miguel Tejada.
b) A night on the town with Jason Giambi.
c) All those free Viagra samples.
d) Tyler Hamilton's unborn twin.

6. Argentine tennis player Mariano Hood blamed a failed drug test on:
a) His hair loss medicine.
b) Tyler Hamilton's unborn twin.
c) A B-12 shot administered by Rafael Palmeiro.
d) The rain, since the rain don't mind … and the rain don't care!

7. Kimberly Bell, a former girlfriend of Barry Bonds, said that the San Francisco slugger told her he used steroids. She also said steroid use made Bonds' behavior go from:
a) "Difficult … to downright mean."
b) "Difficult … to cruel."
c) "Difficult … to impatient, intolerant, quick-tempered, quick to snap."
d) All of the above.
e) "Come to think of it, there was no noticeable difference."

8. During the Congressional steroid hearings, Sammy Sosa:
a) Offered a comprehensive, unequivocal denial of past steroid use that was in no way crafted by a team of lawyers.
b) Sat upright in his seat without appearing as though he would rather be hiding under a desk, all things considered.
c) Spoke and understood English, just as he has done in hundreds of casual locker room interviews.
d) None of the above.

9. In his tell-all memoir "Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits and How Baseball Got Big," Jose Canseco calls himself:
a) Baseball's "Godfather" of steroid use.
b) The Sultan of Syringes.
c) The Wizard of stan-OZ-olol.
d) Capt'n Injectables.

10. In the book, Canseco also claims that steroids, when used correctly, will make you:
a) Stronger.
b) Sexier.
c) Healthier.
d) All of the above.
e) Even dumber.

11. Addressing the common steroid side effect of testicle shrinkage, Canseco writes:
a) "What happens to your testes has nothing to do with any shrinking of the penis. That's a misconception."
b) "The reverse can be true. Using growth hormone can make your penis bigger and make you more easily aroused."
c) "To the guys out there who are worried about their manhood, all I can say is: Growth hormone worked for me."
d) "As I told Congress, I am now against the use of steroids."
e) A, B, and C.

12. The most unbelievable claim to come out of "Juiced" was that:
a) Canseco "always worked to honor the game" of baseball.
b) Police once pulled Canseco over because they had never seen the interior of a Lamborghini Diablo, and not because he was going over 200 mph at the time.
c) Canseco used a street-sweeper shotgun to shoot sharks when he went deep-sea fishing.
d) Canseco and McGwire could simultaneously fit into a ballpark bathroom stall.
e) Canseco is literate.
f) All of the above.

13. Following the death of popular pro wrestler Eddie Guerrero, who struggled with drug abuse, the WWE announced:
a) Plans to begin random drug testing to detect illicit drugs, steroids and prescription drug abuse among its performers.
b) Plans to add live drug tests to its storylines and stage shows, since peeing in a cup on television is one of the few things the WWE hasn't done already.
c) Plans to sweep the results of said tests under Hulk Hogan's bandana.
d) Plans to fold up shop, because if pro wrestling gets serious about eliminating steroids, most performers are going to end up looking like John Basedow.

14. Three members of the Carolina Panthers reportedly had illegal steroid prescriptions filled by a South Carolina doctor, including:
a) Former punter Todd Sauerbrun, who has feuded with the Gramatica brothers.
b) Former punter Todd Sauerbrun, who once refused to fill in for injured kicker John Kasay unless the team refunded $50,000 in fines he incurred for being overweight.
c) Former punter Todd Sauerbrun, who later blasted Ray Guy, generally considered to be the best punter in NFL history.
d) Former punter Todd Sauerbrun, who has never heard of 'roid rage.
e) A, B, and C.

15. When former NFL player Bill Romanowski told "60 Minutes" that he got steroids and used steroids from BALCO's Victor Conte, America:
a) Yawned.
b) Shrugged.
c) Felt its collective eyeballs glaze over in a paroxysm of complete and utter nonsurprise.
d) All of the above.

16. When airport security found an Original Whizzinator -- a fake plastic penis used to dupe drug tests -- in the luggage of Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith, Smith claimed the contraption was for:
a) His cousin.
b) Carmelo Anthony's friend -- who, as we already know, doesn't like to tote his own stuff.
c) Ricky Williams and his shaman.
d) A kickin' boat party on Lake Minnetonka. Party girls dig props.

17. Following his arrest on charges of distributing steroids to his minor-league baseball teammates, Pete Rose Jr. claimed:
a) His teammates took the steroid, GBL, to "wind down" after games.
b) He never bet on baseball.
c) He bet on baseball, but never against his own team.
d) He was still less of a filial disgrace than John Henry Williams.

18. Arnold Schwarzenegger's urging of bodybuilding officials to crack down on steroid use is like:
a) The pot calling the kettle black.
b) The man in a glass house throwing a brick.
c) Palmeiro, McGwire and Canseco appearing before Congress and telling kids to Just Say No.
d) All of the above.

19. The South Korean baseball league banned the performance-enhancing practice of:
a) Wearing iced cabbage leaves under one's cap.
b) Stuffing boiled eggplant in one's undershorts.
c) Placing cucumber wedges in one's ears.
d) Gulping fistfuls of uppers, like American big leaguers.

20. An Irish showjumper was forced to give back his Athens Olympic gold medal because his horse tested positive for:
a) Two human anti-psychotic drugs.
b) The stuff that didn't seem to help Matt Lawton.
c) Iced cabbage.
d) Who cares? Even horses are on the juice. We're doomed.

ANSWER KEY: 1-6, a; 7-8 d; 9, a; 10, d; 11, e; 12, f; 13, a; 14, e; 15, d; 16-17, a; 18, d; 19-20, a.

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2.