By Patrick Hruby
Page 2

News Item: A Planet Fitness gym in Wappingers Falls, N.Y., reportedly kicked out and later revoked the membership of a man who grunted while lifting weights. The gym prohibits grunting, screaming, bandanas, 'do rags and what it terms "musclehead behavior"; it even has a "lunk alarm," a flashing light and siren that sounds when someone grunts or drops weights on the floor.

"We're creating an atmosphere that's nonintimidating," said the gym's manager.


    MEMORANDUM

    To: ALL EMPLOYEES, Planet Fitness
    From: MANAGEMENT
    Date: 11/3/06

    RE: Prohibited Client Behavior

    Greetings members of the Planet Fitness team! To ensure an optimal, nonintimidating exercise environment and promote the health and well-being of our clients, please note that the following behaviors are now prohibited at all Planet Fitness locations and will result in immediate expulsion, as well as permanent revocation of membership privileges:

    Wearing Zubaz Pants: Clear musclehead behavior. Also increases likelihood of unwanted lion and cheetah attacks.

    Body Odor: Offensive and repellent. Planet Fitness clients should smell crisp and clean, like a colonial sailing vessel or a baby's freshly powdered bottom. They should not smell like a European subway car in June.

    Singing Along to One's iPod: If male clients bop their heads and/or exclaim "I'm still Jenny from the block," immediately call the police.

    Wearing Spandex: The horror. The horror.

    Checking Oneself Out in the Mirror: Please follow standard operating procedure: (1) Respectfully inform client that they're still fat, regardless of viewing angle; (2) Offer Advil to treat potential neck strain; (3) Expel from premises.

    Yapping With the Personal Trainers: Anyone discussing their lousy boss, that guy who won't call or the kickin' club they went to last night should be directed to the nearest drinking and/or psychiatric establishment. This goes for clients, too.

    Being Too Fat or Too Fit: The woman with the legs of steel makes everyone else in the cardio-kickboxing class despair about their own flabby inadequacy; the man who probably butters the doorway in order to exit his apartment makes everyone else in the building despair about the flabby inadequacy of the human will.

    Running on Treadmills: Too loud. A distraction. Politely offer clients bunny slippers and ask them to walk slowly and softly; if they refuse, have them hogtied and detained.

    Lifting Weights, Wearing a Weight Belt, Looking at the Squat Rack: Intimidating. Even if you aren't wearing Zubaz pants.

    Hard Breathing: Implies effort, which also can be intimidating.

    Drinking From the Water Fountain: When one client drinks, other clients are forced to wait. A no-no.

    Sweating: Perspiration can make hydrophobic clients and non-swimmers uncomfortable. Better to avoid.

    Being In The Fitness Area: Clients come to Planet Fitness to exercise. They should not feel pressured to make eye contact with others, no matter how fleeting.

    Also be advised that all Lunk Alarm systems are currently being replaced. Upgraded systems will sound whenever clients blink.

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Page 2 here.




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