News item: According to SoundScan, Ron Artest sold just 343 copies of his debut album, "My World," during its first week in release.
Buck up, Ron-Ron.
Granted, you tanked. Hard. As in: You would have been better off scoring the soundtrack to "Basic Instinct II: Risk Addiction." Even Kevin Federline's debut album sold 6,142 more copies than yours. And he's -- excuse our language -- Kevin Federline.
Still, things could be worse. A whole lot worse.
How so? Glad you asked. Without further ado, Page 2 presents the comprehensive list of products and items Artest's album managed to outsell last week:
342: Copies of "Hung for the Holidays," CD, William Hung.
339: Copies of "Mein Kampf." Yiddish edition.
321: Issues of "2007 Fantasy Curling Draft Guide." ($6.95 USA, $9.95 CAN)
304: Cans of Sanka coffee.
298: Commemorative footballs, Wake Forest Demon Deacons 1992 Poulan/Weedeater Independence Bowl Champions.
297: Commemorative soccer balls, Houston Dynamo 2006 MLS Cup Champions.
242: Copies of "The Architect: Karl Rove and the Master Plan for Absolute Power." James Moore and Wayne Slater, authors.
213: McRib sandwiches.
211: Copies of "The Complete Guide to Canine Genitalia, Third Edition." Illustrated.
199: Bottles of Tab soda.
142: Copies of "The Illiad." Book-on-tape. Read by Gilbert Gottfried.
130: "Buttweiser: King of Rears" parody T-shirts.
121: Copies of "Night Rocker," CD, David Hasselhoff. ($15.99 USA, 12 Euros Germany)
81: Tickets to Better Than Ezra concert, Stamford, Conn.
56: Dan Dierdorf throwback jerseys.
40: Paid subscriptions to AOL dial-up service.
32: Copies of "Exodus: Positive Christian Alternatives to Homosexuality." Pastor Ted Haggard, author.
25: Arizona Cardinals infant 2-piece mesh creeper sets.
16: Atari Jaguar video game consoles (eBay).
12: Apple Newtons (eBay).
9: Male chastity belts.
6: ESPN Mobile phones.
5: Copies of Playgirl, January 1995 issue. Cover model: Greg Evigan (eBay).
3 (tie): Copies of "Battlefield Earth," special edition DVD; copies of "Glitter," special edition DVD.
1: Dukakis/Bentsen '88 bumper stickers.
0: Copies of "Chinese Democracy," Guns N' Roses.
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Page 2 here.