From Barry Bonds to Justin Gatlin, 2006 was another pumped-up year for drugs in sports. Were you paying attention? Take our quiz and find out:
1) Robbie "Kong" Green, the world's top darts player, failed a drug test for:
b) They drug-test darts players?
2) Montreal Canadiens goaltender Jose Theodore failed a pre-Olympics drug screen after testing positive for:
a) The hair-growth drug Propecia.
b) Teeth-whitening strips.
c) That penis drug David Ortiz is pimping down in the Dominican Republic.
d) Male vanity.
3) When Theodore dismissed his positive test by stating "I always like my hair real long I don't feel I have anything to hide," he was NOT referring to:
a) Male-pattern baldness.
b) A receding hairline.
c) A widow's peak.
d) All of the above.
4) New York Mets pitcher Guillermo Mota was suspended for 50 games after testing positive for:
a) A performance-enhancing drug.
b) Mediocrity, since he still had a 4.53 ERA despite being on the juice.
5) After allegedly telling federal investigators that he used human growth hormone and steroids, former Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Jason Grimsley added that amphetamine use was prevalent in pro baseball, with drugs placed in clubhouse coffeepots marked:
a) "Leaded" and "Unleaded."
b) "Dinger" and "Warning Track."
c) "Starbucks" and "Everything Else."
d) "Guillermo Mota sucking" and "Guillermo Mota sucking even worse."
6) After American sprinter Justin Gatlin failed a drug test, coach Trevor Graham blamed:
a) A sabotage plot involving a vindictive massage therapist rubbing testosterone cream on Gatlin.
b) Former KGB agents, polonium.
c) Deserted highway alien abduction, testosterone-coated anal probe.
d) Himself, for not finding a better masking agent.
7) Which of the following potential tabloid headlines for Graham's claim of a vindictive massage therapist sounds the most pornographic?
a) THE DIRTY MASSEUSE
b) SPRINTER CREAMED IN RUB-OUT PLOT
c) UNHAPPY ENDING
d) All of the above.
8) Graham was later indicted by a federal grand jury on three counts of:
a) Lying to federal agents in the BALCO investigation.
b) Trevor Graham lied?
9) Detroit Lions defensive tackle Shaun Rogers was suspended for four games after testing positive for:
a) An unidentified weight-loss product.
c) John Basedow videos.
d) Nutri-System, endorsed by Dan Marino.
10) San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman making the Pro Bowl after serving a four-game midseason steroid suspension is like:
a) The Three Little Pigs making the Big Bad Wolf a ham-and-cheese omelet.
b) James Frey winning the Pulitzer Prize for fiction.
c) President Bush leaving office and being elected prime minister of Iraq.
d) All of the above.
11) Responding to a letter from Rep. Henry Waxman expressing concern over the NFL's statement that there wasn't any "new or pertinent information" in a Charlotte Observer report on the Carolina Panthers steroid scandal, a league spokesman said:
a) "There was no 'or' in our statement. It's a significant difference."
b) "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is."
c) "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."
d) "These are not the droids you're looking for."
12) By suspending New Orleans Saints defensive tackle Hollis Thomas for four games after he tested positive for clenbuterol, a substance contained in his prescription asthma drugs, the NFL demonstrated:
a) Why it has the toughest doping program in sports, unless you play for the Carolina Panthers.
b) Why it has the toughest doping program in sports, unless you're Shawne Merriman.
c) Why it has the toughest doping program in sports, unless you're Bill Romanowski's 'vitamin' case.
d) All of the above.
13) After a Spanish doping investigation forced the riders who finished second, third, fourth and fifth in last year's Tour de France to drop out of this year's race, the 2006 Tour was:
b) You're kidding, right?
14) Which of the following excuses did Tour de France winner Floyd Landis NOT provide for his failed drug test:
b) Cortisone shots for a sore hip.
c) Drinking beer and whiskey the night before a stage.
d) Thyroid medication.
e) His natural metabolism.
f) Ingesting something.
g) All of the above.
h) OK, we're running out of letters here.
15) Competitors at the World Angling Championships in Portugal were forced to provide urine samples because:
a) Officials instituted drug tests.
b) Beats having them urinate off the side of the boat.
16) To support their claim that San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds used a cornucopia of performance-enhancing drugs -- including trenbolone, a steroid created to improve the muscle quality of cattle -- the authors of the book "Game of Shadows" cite:
a) Court documents, affidavits filed by BALCO investigators, confidential memoranda of federal agents, grand jury testimony, audiotapes and interviews with more than 200 sources.
b) Bonds' habit of chewing outfield grass.
c) The rich, flavorful texture of Bonds' hindquarters.
d) Buttermilk stains on Bonds' game jerseys.
17) In addition to trenbolone, "Game of Shadows" claims that Bonds took (check all that apply):
a) Human growth hormone.
b) Clomid, a women's infertility drug.
c) Modafinil, a narcolepsy drug.
18) According to "Game of Shadows," Bonds testified to a grand jury that he was ignorant of the substances personal trainer Greg Anderson gave him to put in his body, stating:
a) "It's like, 'Whatever, dude.'"
b) "Don't have a cow, man."
d) "I'm not here to talk about the past."
19) As Bonds came off the field during the Giants' season opener, a fan threw the following at him:
a) A syringe.
b) A pregnancy test.
c) Pepsi Clear and Cream of Wheat cereal.
d) A.1. Steak Sauce.
20) Around baseball, fans greeted Bonds with signs reading:
a) Ruth did it on hot dogs and beer. Aaron did it with class. How did YOU do it?
b) Every Steroid Produced record Needs an *.
c) For Sale: Life-Sized Bobblehead. See Left field.
d) Got Juice?
e) All of the above.
21) Among the celebrities to publicly defend Bonds were:
a) MC Hammer, who posted a pro-Bonds Web message that concluded: "Don't let the bloodhounds win. I love you."
b) Actor Matthew McConaughey, who wrote a pro-Bonds letter to the Austin American-Statesman claiming that the slugger is "clean now" and that "you gotta root for him."
c) Former MLB pitcher John Rocker, who said, "he probably did it, so what?"
d) When Hammer, McConaughey and Rocker are in your corner, you may be standing on the wrong side of the room.
22) When BALCO mastermind Victor Conte was released from prison and declared he would provide evidence refuting "Game of Shadows" in "the near future," he meant:
b) The point in time in which technological advances allow him to send a Terminator back in time to prevent authors Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams from being born.
23) After chess's governing body announced plans to begin drug-testing competitors, a top official said:
a) "I would not know which drug could possibly help a chess player to improve his game."
b) "History will judge us harshly if we don't nip Frappuccino abuse in the bud."
c) "It was that, or start reinforcing those chess clocks with Humvee-style armor plating. Have you seen the guns on today's grandmasters?"
d) "No, seriously, your guess is as good as mine."
24) American Paralympic basketball player Jermell Pennie was suspended for two years after testing positive for:
a) Performance-enhancing drugs.
b) First darts players, then fishermen and chessmasters, now Paralympians? We're totally screwed.
ANSWER KEY: 1-2, a; 3, d; 4-6, a; 7, d; 8-9, a; 10, d; 11, a; 12, d; 13, Yeah, we're kidding; 14, g; 15-16, a; 17, everything but "d" (probably); 18-19, a; 20, e; 21, all answers valid; 22-24, a.
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Page 2 here.