Are you ready for some football?¹ With apologies to the good people of ______,
a) Chicago and New Orleans
b) Los Angeles, since they don't have an NFL team
c) Detroit, since they don't have an NFL team

this Sunday's AFC Championship Game between Indianapolis and New England is ______,
a) the real deal²
b) a Game of Games³
c) the marquee showdown of the postseason⁴
d) one of the most eagerly anticipated playoff games in recent memory⁵
e) the Super Bowl, Red Sox-Yankees, the game America wants, the best matchup you can have in the NFL this year⁶

a subplot-laden contest that stands as _____.
a) one of the league's best rivalries⁷
b) a rivalry that is actually interesting and captivating, a prime-time game with tension and intensity⁸
c) Super Bowl XLI, really⁹
d) Hector and Achilles between the hashes¹⁰

PARAGRAPH TWO

Indeed, _____
a) Hollywood
b) network executives
c) pigskin fans
d) Joe Eszterhas himself¹¹

could not have scripted it better¹². The matchups in this _____
a) meeting of old division rivals¹³
b) top annual battle in the AFC¹⁴
c) "battle amongst all battles"¹⁵

are scintillating: _____, _____, _____. (choose three)
a) Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning¹⁶
b) Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady and Bill Belichick¹⁷
c) Adam Vinatieri vs. his former team¹⁸
d) Bill Belichick vs. Tony Dungy¹⁹
e) Patriots vs. Colts²⁰
f) the Colts vs. a brick wall²¹

Add in the fact that these two teams are meeting for the ninth time in eight seasons and have a history of _____,
a) just plain not liking each other²²
b) being rivals off the field²³
c) defining the other, both personally and globally²⁴
d) Tom Brady just continuing to win²⁵

and you have all the makings of _____.
a) Peyton Manning's Super Bowl²⁶
b) the ultimate clash of styles²⁷
c) a game that will make you forget that NFC-AFC hypefest with the Roman numeral and the hideous halftime show²⁸
d) not Just Another Big Game²⁹
e) the most delicious, drama-filled playoff game in the history of mankind³⁰

PARAGRAPH THREE

In the words of _____
a) Yogi Berra, "It's deja vu all over again."³¹
b) the Bard, "Once more into the breach."³²
c) Detective John McClain, "How can the same thing happen to the same guy twice?"³³
d) Ron Burgundy, "Stay classy, San Diego."³⁴

PARAGRAPH FOUR

Start with the teams on the field.³⁵ Owners of the league's best regular-season record since 1999, the Colts are nevertheless _____.
a) underachievers once playoff time rolls around³⁶
b) always setting the curve on the midterm before flunking the final³⁷
c) maybe the best team in two decades that's failed to break through and get to the Super Bowl³⁸
d) choke artists, a soft team unable to win the big one³⁹
e) like a great high school basketball player who still can't beat dad in the one-on-one games in the driveway⁴⁰
f) a franchise that can be summed up with one anecdote: they have an "AFC Finalists" banner hanging up in the Hoosier Dome⁴¹

The evidence? Despite winning four straight division titles and advancing to the postseason in seven of the last eight seasons, Indianapolis has just four playoff wins in the same span.

PARAGRAPH FIVE

To borrow from ________
a) "Lost in Space," "danger, Will Robinson!"⁴²
b) Shaggy in Scooby-Doo, "Zoiks!"⁴³
c) Mr. T, "I pity the fool."⁴⁴
d) Donald Trump, "you're fired."⁴⁵

PARAGRAPH SIX

Unlike the Colts, the Patriots are _____,
a) one of the most efficient, tough, disciplined and focused football teams the league has ever seen⁴⁶
b) the most efficient, unflappable team in NFL history⁴⁷
c) a team that is at its best in games they have to win⁴⁸
d) the most resourceful team at this time of year⁴⁹
e) a team that has guys who keep making plays to win football games⁵⁰

a fact supported by the team's three Super Bowl titles. Two times in the last four seasons, New England and Indianapolis have met in the postseason; two times, the Pats sent the Colts packing, making them _____.
a) Indianapolis' answer to Ahab's whale and Sisyphus' rock⁵¹
b) a stubborn doorman, refusing to let Indianapolis pass⁵²
c) Indianapolis' eternal speed bump⁵³
d) Lucy holding the football to Indianapolis' Charlie Brown⁵⁴

PARAGRAPH SEVEN

Perhaps⁵⁵ the most intriguing⁵⁶ story line heading into the game involves the _____
a) laser-armed⁵⁷
b) physically impressive, statistically mind-boggling⁵⁸
c) clearly frustrated⁵⁹
d) noble but doomed⁶⁰

Manning and the _____
a) ultimate game manager and leader⁶¹
b) consummate winner⁶²
c) magic-producing⁶³
d) male-modelesque⁶⁴

Brady, who have become a contemporary version of _____.
a) Dan Marino and Joe Montana⁶⁵
b) Dan Marino and Joe Montana⁶⁶
c) Dan Marino and Joe Montana⁶⁷
d) Patrick Ewing and Michael Jordan⁶⁸

The two quarterbacks mirror their teams: Manning is football royalty, the _____,
a) game's greatest student⁶⁹
b) 6-foot-5, 230-pound quarterback everywhere on television, hawking this and hawking that⁷⁰
c) guy with more endorsements who makes more money than Brady⁷¹
d) The Man to every stopwatch-toting football scout in America, with the word prototypical stamped inside his lip⁷²

but also _____.
a) can't win the big one⁷³
b) is haunted by playoff struggles⁷⁴
c) lacks a championship and magic⁷⁵
d) is Dan Marino, Karl Malone and Ted Williams, the 21st century symbol of big numbers in the face of futility⁷⁶

Brady, on the other hand, _____.
a) makes a mockery of every scouting service in America⁷⁷
b) dinks and dunks the D to death⁷⁸
c) presents the experts with a chronic problem of being better than they say he is⁷⁹
d) is pretty cute⁸⁰

No matter, though, because he _____
a) is halfway to Michael Jordan's six championships,⁸¹
b) just keeps winning,⁸²
c) is a pretty boy with an assassin's heart,⁸³
d) is about winning the game, living to make the Big Play in the Big Situation,⁸⁴
e) is a plodder, a planner, a guy who would rather make history than make noise,⁸⁵

all of which makes him _____.
a) a winner who gets it done and gets better as the season goes on⁸⁶
b) a quarterback who knows how to win, and can practically will his team to win with the game on the line⁸⁷
c) the insatiable reincarnation of Joe Montana, a proud keeper of a dynasty, such a cool customer in the clutch, such a winner⁸⁸
d) like an oil company, consistently cashing in⁸⁹

On Sunday, Brady will look to burnish his legacy⁹⁰; Manning, to redefine his.

PARAGRAPH EIGHT

If the Colts quarterback is to shed his label as _____,
a) a choker⁹¹
b) a postseason underachiever⁹²
c) a Superman who can find Kryptonite in any stadium when the playoffs come around and the Super Bowl gets closer⁹³
d) a player who can't deliver in the clutch, routinely shrinks from pressure and chokes like Aurora Snow⁹⁴

he will have to overcome _____
a) the devious⁹⁵
b) the Byzantine and baffling game plans of⁹⁶
c) the NFL's brightest defensive mind,⁹⁷
d) the best coach in all of sports these days, a difference maker, the modern day Lombardi/Noll/Landry,⁹⁸
e) the master of the football mysteries,⁹⁹

Bill Belichick. Clad in _____,
a) a ratty sweatshirt¹⁰⁰
b) the worst looking clothes in public of any famous person this side of Madonna¹⁰¹
c) a sweatshirt that looks as like he used it to buff up his pickup truck after the semiannual trip to the car wash¹⁰²
d) a bright red hoodie, dressed up for the occasion¹⁰³

the Patriots' coach is _____,
a) joyless, condescending and colorful as a No. 2 Ticonderoga¹⁰⁴

creating defensive schemes that have made Manning post a paltry passer rating¹⁰⁵ and often look like _____.
a) a man with brain cramps¹⁰⁶
b) a man halfway to his personal hell¹⁰⁷
c) he just stepped in dog poop¹⁰⁸
d) a really smart toddler trying to put together a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. He didn't get it done the first time around, or the second time, or the eighth time¹⁰⁹

PARAGRAPH NINE

That said,¹¹⁰ Manning and his team may never have a better chance to _____.
a) slay all their past demons¹¹¹
b) take a stand, exorcise all the demons and get to the Super Bowl¹¹²
c) reach the crowing block atop the Pyramid of Success¹¹³
d) send their tortured history to the showers¹¹⁴
e) prevent poor Peyton from ending up like Saddam's half-brother, his head a few yards away from his body¹¹⁵

The game will be played in the friendly confines¹¹⁶ of the climate-controlled, fast-track RCA Dome; the Colts have former Patriots kicker Adam Vinatieri, the _____;
a) best clutch kicker of all time¹¹⁷
b) the greatest clutch kicker in the history of football¹¹⁸
c) the greatest clutch kicker the game has ever seen¹¹⁹
d) no-doubt, long-range, clutch kicker who literally does not care if he's trying a kick on the fourth day of training camp or in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl¹²⁰

the team's traditionally porous defense is _____.
a) improved, helping ease the burden long carried by the offense¹²¹
b) better¹²²
c) (supposedly) paying mind to playing defense¹²³
d) finally regaining its 2005 swagger¹²⁴

Meanwhile, New England's secondary _____,
a) is beat-up and undermanned¹²⁵
b) is injury-plagued¹²⁶
c) is ravaged by injuries¹²⁷
d) has opening game starters at safety, Rodney Harrison and Eugene Wilson, both nursing injuries¹²⁸

which may not be as big a disadvantage as it seems -- the Patriots are known for _____.
a) just purring along, hardly missing a beat, regardless of who sits and who plays¹²⁹
b) working themselves into a no-one-respects-us froth¹³⁰
c) staying cool, loose and seizing the moment¹³¹
d) being all about four letters ("team") meaning more than five letters ("stats")¹³²

PARAGRAPH 10

No matter the matchups, one thing seems clear: lose, and Indianapolis will have to deal with another year of questions such as: ______?
a) Why is Belichick able to make Manning look more like little brother Eli than a future Hall of Famer¹³³
b) Is this finally the year¹³⁴
c) When are we all going to admit that Peyton Manning sucks in January¹³⁵
d) Why would you ever bet on Peyton Manning or against Tom Brady in a big game¹³⁶

PARAGRAPH 11

Speaking of questions¹³⁷, which team will emerge triumphant?¹³⁸ The law of averages¹³⁹ suggests that the Colts are due. However, the Patriots are anything but average¹⁴⁰, mostly because _____.
a) they often win games in which they're not supposed to have a chance¹⁴¹
b) they do the seemingly impossible¹⁴²
c) they make enough plays to be one play ahead at the end of the game¹⁴³
d) beating them in January is like trying to kill Rasputin: You had better poison them, shoot them, stab them and then wrap them in chains and thrown them into a river, and then take their pulse and make sure they're really, really dead¹⁴⁴

They also have Brady, who _____.
a) is one ring from talking about one for the thumb¹⁴⁵
b) has the championship rings¹⁴⁶
c) who has what Manning would pay dearly for, a Super Bowl Ring¹⁴⁷
d) is the guy with the ring¹⁴⁸

Bet against them? No way. Together, New England and its quarterback are the winningest¹⁴⁹ combination in the sport; together, they are always ready for some football¹⁵⁰.

Besides, it worked for Obama.

² Toronto Sun, 2006. Which is really something, considering the game doesn't involve Doug Flutie or the Hamilton Tiger-Cats.
³ Steve Serby, New York Post, 2007. Journalism scholars should note that the Post is prone to occasional hyperbole.
⁴ Randy Covitz, Kansas City Star, 2005.
⁵ Brian Lewis, New York Post, 2005.
⁶ Dan Shaughnessey, Boston Globe, 2005.
⁷ Ira Miller, Contra Costa Times, 2007.
⁸ John McLain, Houston Chronicle, 2006. Unlike, say, 85 percent of the "Monday Night Football" lineup.
⁹ Gary Myers, New York Daily News, 2007.
¹⁰ Geoffrey Norman, National Review Online, 2006. And no, we didn't know the National Review wrote about football, either.
¹¹ Given his work on "Showgirls," this likely isn't true.
¹² In the industry, this is known as a cliché.
¹³ Associated Press, 2007.
¹⁴ Mike Reiss, Boston Globe, 2007.
¹⁵ New England Patriots defensive end Ty Warren, 2007.
¹⁶ Vito Stellino, Florida-Times Union, 2006.
¹⁷ Serby, New York Post, 2007.
¹⁸ Cris Carter, Yahoo! Sports, 2007. Assuming this wasn't written by an intern.
¹⁹ Stellino, 2006.
²⁰ Bob Kravitz, Indianapolis Star, 2007.
²¹ Mike O'Hara, Detroit News, 2005.
²² Shaughnessy, 2006.
²³ Stellino, 2006.
²⁴ Howard Bryant, Washington Post, 2007. Note the skillful pairing of "personally and globally," which suggests additional layers of meaning without stating anything of substance. In the industry, this is known as padding the word count.
²⁵ Bill Simmons, ESPN.com, 2006.
²⁶ Serby, 2007.
²⁷ Lewis, 2005.
²⁸ Shaughnessy, 2005.
²⁹ Simmons, 2004.
³⁰ Reggie Hayes, Fort Wayne News-Sentinel, 2007. In Hayes' defense, he was exaggerating for comic effect. Probably.
³¹ Berra wrote a book subtitled "I Really Didn't Say Everything I Said!" So who really knows?
³² William Shakespeare, "Henry V," 5.3, line 4. Assuming this wasn't written by an intern.
³³ "Die Hard 2: Die Harder," 1990.
³⁴ In the industry, this is known as a pop culture reference. Note that the pop culture reference does not have to be particularly pertinent or even relevant to the topic at hand -- Will Ferrell has as much to do with Peyton Manning as Condoleeza Rice has to do with "American Idol" -- but must be familiar to the reader. Remember Spears, sans underpants? The point of the pop culture reference is not illumination through metaphor, but rather identification through shared experience. I laughed at that movie, too! The writer and I think the same way! Pop culture references can enjoy extra resonance by being catch phrases, short statements that have achieved popular currency and thus become nonsensical clichés.

(Also note that identification through shared experience is the basis for 90 percent of Dane Cook's standup routine).

³⁵ In the industry, this is known as a transition, and also known as holding the readers' hands to the high chair, then feeding them applesauce. The goal is to signal a shift in direction (i.e., "start") while indicating where that direction leads (i.e., "the teams on the field"). Mission accomplished!
³⁶ Jennifer Toland, Massachusetts Telegram & Gazette, 2006.
³⁷ Seth Wickersham, ESPN.com, 2007.
³⁸ Myers, 2007. The 1998 Minnesota Vikings say hi.
³⁹ Shaughnessy, 2006.
⁴⁰ Shaughnessy, 2005. Meow!
⁴¹ Simmons, 2006. Meow!
⁴² The 1960s television series, not the crappy movie with Joey.
⁴³ "The Adventures of Scooby-Doo," pretty much every episode.
⁴⁴ Mr. T, pretty much every project he's been a part of.
⁴⁵ Donald Trump, "The Apprentice." Also note that a pop culture reference -- in this case, a catch phrase -- should be relevant to the reader. To wit: If pressed, most ESPN.com readers in the 18-35 demo will identify Will Robinson as a former center for the San Antonio Spurs. Know your audience!
⁴⁶ Tom Curran, Providence Journal, 2005.
⁴⁷ Gregg Easterbrook, ESPN.com, 2007.
⁴⁸ O'Hara, 2005.
⁴⁹ Myers, 2007.
⁵⁰ Simmons, 2004. Though technically speaking, they're actually making football plays to win football games. Also see Jaworski, Ron, "NFL Countdown," 2005-7.
⁵¹ Lewis, 2005. Note that this metaphor expects the reader to be familiar with American literature and Greek mythology, an iffy proposition in the era of MySpace and IM-speak. Better to replace "Ahab's whale" with "a 404 Error" and "Sisyphus' rock" with "a snickering Simon Cowell." See footnote 45.
⁵² Kravitz, 2007. Invokes a hot nightclub and/or VIP room. Much better than item in footnote 51.
⁵³ Kravitz, 2007. Slightly inaccurate, given that a car can continue to move forward after hitting a speed bump. "IED" is more appropriate.
⁵⁴ J.A. Adande, Los Angeles Times, 2005. Again, would be more accurate if the well-known "Peanuts" scenario in question ended with Lucy smashing the football into Charlie Brown's groin.
⁵⁵ More word padding.
⁵⁶ Ditto.
⁵⁷ Serby, 2007.
⁵⁸ Jim Donaldson, Providence Journal, 2006.
⁵⁹ Lewis, 2005.
⁶⁰ Kravitz, 2005. Ouch.
⁶¹ Simmons, 2004.
⁶² Michael Felger, Boston Herald, 2005. Technically inaccurate; if Brady were, in fact, a consummate winner, he would have never lost a game. In reality, he is a frequent winner.
⁶³ Rick Herrin, Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 2007. Debatable; David Copperfield landing Claudia Schiffer is magical; Brady dropping Bridget Moynahan is trading up.
⁶⁴ Easterbrook, 2007. In other words, strongly appeals to nontraditional male fans.
⁶⁵ Donaldson, 2006.
⁶⁶ Kravitz, 2005.
⁶⁷ Miller, 2007.
⁶⁸ Serby, 2007. Points for originality.
⁶⁹ Len Pasquarelli, ESPN.com, 2007.
⁷⁰ Serby, 2007.
⁷¹ McLain, 2006. Not that Brady is lacking for endorsements and cash. Also, he's the one dating Gisele.
⁷² Rich Garven, Massachusetts Sunday Telegram, 2005. The same scouts were equally gaga for Ryan Leaf, which isn't exactly a ringing endorsement.
⁷³ Peter King, Sports Illustrated, 2007.
⁷⁴ Herrin, 2007.
⁷⁵ Wickersham, 2007.
⁷⁶ Jackie MacMullan, Boston Globe, 2005. Again with the Marino-bashing? Poor Dan.
⁷⁷ Garven, 2005.
⁷⁸ Simmons, 2004.
⁷⁹ Sally Jenkins, Washington Post, 2005.
⁸⁰ Gisele, to the Boston Herald, 2006.
⁸¹ Serby, 2007. And just a little bit farther from the highest-possible Pac-Man score of 3,333,360, set in 1999.
⁸² Simmons, 2006.
⁸³ Kravitz, 2007. Man crush?
⁸⁴ Ryan, 2007. Totally, completely not redundant.
⁸⁵ Steve Buckley, Boston Herald, 2007.
⁸⁶ Ashley Fox, Philadelphia Inquirer, 2006.
⁸⁷ Karen Guregian, Boston Herald, 2005.
⁸⁸ Serby, 2007. Man crush?
⁸⁹ Garven, 2005. Or like a vice president with oil company stock.
⁹⁰ When sports journalists need to add gravitas to an amusing but hardly Earth-shattering event -- which is to say, all the time -- the concept of athletic legacy is often introduced.
⁹¹ Serby, 2007.
⁹² Andrew Perloff, SI.com, 2007.
⁹³ McClain, 2006.
⁹⁴ Simmons, 2006. Nothing is more pop culture than porn.
⁹⁵ Serby, 2007.
⁹⁶ Pasquarelli, 2007. Little-known fact: Belichick's game plans are written in Medieval Greek.
⁹⁷ Myers, 2007.
⁹⁸ Kravitz, 2006. Whew.
⁹⁹ Norman, 2006.
¹⁰⁰ Robert Weintraub, Slate, 2005.
¹⁰¹ Norman, 2006. Writer seems unaware of Britney Spears. See footnotes 1, 34, 45.
¹⁰² Norman, 2006.
¹⁰³ Toland, 2006.
¹⁰⁴ Kravitz, 2006. That about covers it.
¹⁰⁵ We didn't feel like looking up the actual number.
¹⁰⁶ Alan Greenberg, Hartford Courant, 2005.
¹⁰⁷ Serby, 2007. Which will probably be the basis for Manning's next credit card commercial.
¹⁰⁸ Simmons, 2005.
¹⁰⁹ Josh Levin, Slate, 2007.
¹¹⁰ Obvious. Still more word count padding.
¹¹¹ Carter, 2007.
¹¹² Serby, 2007.
¹¹³ Adande, 2005. Located in Egypt.
¹¹⁴ Kravitz, 2007.
¹¹⁵ Callahan, 2007. This really ran in an actual newspaper. Stay classy, Boston!
¹¹⁶ Cliché.
¹¹⁷ King, 2007.
¹¹⁸ Shaughnessy, 2006.
¹¹⁹ Greg Garber, ESPN.com, 2007.
¹²⁰ King, 2007. Unnecessary use of the word "literally." We think we think.
¹²¹ Brian Costello, New York Post, 2005.
¹²² Miller, 2005.
¹²³ Garven, 2005.
¹²⁴ Brendan I. Koerner, Slate, 2007. The more things change ...
¹²⁵ Randy Covitz, Kansas City Star, 2005.
¹²⁶ Shaughnessy, 2006.
¹²⁷ Michael Lev, Orange County Register, 2005.
¹²⁸ Greenberg, 2005. The more things change ...
¹²⁹ Sylvester, 2005. Does not apply to Brady.
¹³⁰ Silver, 2005. Year irrelevant.
¹³¹ Garven, 2005.
¹³² Simmons, 2004. Possible tag line for "Patriots: The Movie?"
¹³³ Serby, 2007.
¹³⁴ Costello, 2005.
¹³⁵ Simmons, 2006.
¹³⁶ Simmons, 2006. It depends on the point spread.
¹³⁷ Transition. See footnote 35. The "speaking of" construction is typically employed when the writer is too: (a) lazy, (b) unimaginative, (c) strapped for time to come up with something more artistic. Not that sports writing should be mistaken for 19th century landscape painting.
¹³⁸ "Win the game" sounds prosaic.
¹³⁹ Never trust a sports writer who invokes the law of averages; none of us took more than a basic statistics course in college -- and by "take," we mean "slept through" -- and most of us struggle with figuring out the tip on our bar tabs.
¹⁴⁰ In the industry, this is known as clever wordplay, which is why sports writing is one of the most lucrative corners of the literary world.
¹⁴¹ Ken Powers, Massachusetts Sunday Telegram & Gazette, 2005.
¹⁴² John Tomase, Boston Herald, 2005.
¹⁴³ John Clayton, ESPN.com, 2007. Substitute "points" for "plays" and you have a pretty formula for victory.
¹⁴⁴ Jenkins, 2007. You know, like Saddam's half-brother.
¹⁴⁵ Serby, 2007. Note that anyone who actually says "one for the thumb" in real life is a tool -- even if they are, in fact, a ring away from one for the thumb.
¹⁴⁶ Donaldson, 2006.
¹⁴⁷ McLain, 2006. Alternately, Manning could get a ring for free by becoming president of Russia.
¹⁴⁸ Simmons, 2003.
¹⁴⁹ Shouldn't even be a real word, but whatever.
¹⁵⁰ In the industry, an ending like this is known as a callback, a reference to the start of the column. Beyond providing a graceful and circular exit, the callback helps writers achieve the primary goal of most columns: reaching the allotted word count and hitting SEND TEXT.