Media day cheat sheet
Pssst. Wanna little inside Super Bowl info?
Get this: Media day is crazy! Wild and wacky! Like a XLI-ringed fishbowl circus! Totally meta-postmodern!
In fact, all anyone can really do is make fun of the event in an arched-eyebrow, knowing-yet-affectionate kind of way.
As such, Page 2 presents some suggested media day questions for our friends in sports journalism.
Godspeed, compadres, and better you than us ...
Peyton Manning, Colts quarterback: Besides you and Dan Marino, who are the best quarterbacks never to win a Super Bowl?
Lovie Smith, Bears coach: If you become the first African-American head coach to lose a Super Bowl, will that also be a sign of racial progress?
Dallas Clark, Colts tight end: That's your porn name, right?
Rex Grossman, Bears quarterback: Is the quarterback rating formula inherently unfair, given that it doesn't count a successful handoff as a completed pass?
WireImage.com
All Hiltons must wash their hands before returning to "work."
Alex Brown, Bears defensive lineman: A billion or so Chinese don't care about the Super Bowl. Why don't they respect your team?
Nick Harper, Colts defensive back: Can a Ginsu steak knife actually cut through a can?
Adam Vinatieri, Colts kicker: Does replacing the most accurate field goal kicker in NFL history ever make you feel inadequate?
Marvin Harrison, Colts receiver: It would really, really bother you if we moved this microphone six inches to the right, wouldn't it?
Marlin Jackson, Colts defensive back: How are you going to regain Tom Brady's trust after failing to fumble your interception into the waiting hands of Troy Brown at the end of the AFC Championship Game?
Tom Moore, Colts offensive coordinator: How much does your offense not need Edgerrin James?
Olin Kreutz, Bears center: You've taken three different anger management courses. Is it time to consider a new major?
Dwight Freeney, Colts defensive end: You are a two-time Madden Bowl champ. Defensive ends don't have to study much film, do they?
Joseph Addai, Colts running back: Does Peyton ever get jealous of John Basedow? What about John Mellencamp? Jared from Subway?
Robbie Gould, Bears kicker: Could you take the Gramatica brothers in a fight?
Bob Sanders, Colts safety: Your real name is Demond. Why did you choose an alias that sounds like an alias?
Booger McFarland, Colts defensive lineman: "Tank" and "Bob" were already taken, huh?
Devin Hester, Bears returner: Will you please put on this bumblebee suit? (Telemundo only)
Ryan Diem, Colts tackle: You have a Latin-sounding surname. Can you translate "XLI" for us?
Cato June, Colts linebacker: You have a Roman-sounding first name. Can you translate "Diem" for us?
Desmond Clark, Bears tight end: Eight of your teammates were named to the Pro Bowl. How much of a disrespectful slap in the face is that to the other guys on the team?
Brian Griese, Bears quarterback: You can't beat out Rex Grossman? Really?
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Page 2 here.