Soggy. Sloppy. Mostly desultory.

Oh, and the Super Bowl was a letdown, too.

We should have known better. Really. From Kevin Federline's highlighting the commercials to the Geico Caveman's filling an inexplicable celebrity crossover vacuum, the pop culture circus surrounding this year's big game was poised to bomb. And bomb it did, harder than Chicago quarterback Rex Grossman. Which is really saying something.

Blame it on the rain. Or blame it on everyone's being utterly hung over from a week of South Beach revelry.

Whatever the case, the Super Bowl's traditional pomp and circumstance was even more anticlimactic than usual.

On to Page 2's report card …

Pregame Show
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Told viewers the Super Bowl was being covered by "land, air and sea." We missed the sea part. Did Steve Zissou offer a pregame pick?
Grade: C-

James Brown calling the Bears' locker room the "Urlacher Room": No. No. A thousand times no.
Grade: F

Honesty: Standing outside the Colts' team hotel, sideline reporter Steve Tasker said "there's really no new news." Correct.
Grade: A+

Weather Report: Rain in the forecast. Boomer Esiason claimed that "the football will be dry but the jerseys will be wet." Clearly, Esiason is a warlock. Sam Ryan reported that the field can withstand 8-10 inches of rain per hour, the equivalent of 102,000 gallons of water.
Grade: B+

Verbal Clichés: Sideline reporter Solomon Wilcots opened his report noting that "the Super Bowl is the biggest game played on the biggest stage … it really doesn't get any bigger than this … it's a big game." All in the span of 30 seconds!
Grade: A+

Product Placement: Norbit. Bud. Revlon. Pizza Hut. The Air Force. The "CBS Evening News" introducing a segment featuring "what's right about America." If the content of local news broadcasts -- Murders! Fires! Missing white women! -- is any indication, CBS' third-place ratings stranglehold just got a little tighter.
Grade: A, but Dan Marino blew it (see next item).

Celebrity Chef Bobby Flay: THIS IS HOW YOU PUT RELISH ON A HOT DOG. A non-chef never could have figured that out. When J.B. joked about working off the chow, Marino blew a golden chance for an impromptu NutriSystem plug. Two decades later, he's still choking in the big game.
Grade: D

Phil Simms' Extra-Poofy Hair: Positively Trump-esque.
Grade: A+

Katie Couric on Hines Ward going to Korea: Amazing human interest story. Who knew?
Grade: D

CBS Taking Two And A Half Hours to Mention That Rex Grossman Sucks: Incomplete pass!
Grade: F-

Special Musical Performance By Stevie Nicks: CBS couldn't outbid Telemundo for Jon Secada?
Grade: F

Super Bowl Rap featuring Common and Kanye West: A better summary of the game and its story lines than the three hours of programming preceding it.
Grade: A

Pregame Commercial Rundown
A. Nike, "Second Coming." Are these guys punching in at a microchip plant?
Grade: A+ for production values, F for making pickup basketball seem laughably dramatic.

B. CBS, March Madness bubble team. In five years, this will feature Cuba Gooding.
Grade: A

C. J'adore, Charlize Theron taking off her clothes. Read that last part again.
Grade: A+

D. NutriSystem, lose weight like your athletic heroes John Kruk and Steve Beuerlein. Said Kruk: "My wife tells me I'm not as disgusting as I used to be." Finally, truth in advertising!
Grade: A

E. CBS, Pebble Beach Pro-Am featuring Tom Brady. Well, the guy has plenty of time to golf these days.
Grade: B

F. CBS, "CSI: Miami." David Caruso being an intimidating badass. Sure, if you find a leprechaun in aviator shades intimidating. Quick, David, pistol-draw! Combat crouch!
Grade: D

Cirque du Soleil's Busby Berkley-meets-Roy Lichtenstein Pregame Number: Unintentional "Up With People" homage.
Grade: C

Puppy Bowl III: Animal Planet
Counterprogramming. Puppies had more personality than Peyton Manning; show probably got higher ratings than the NHL All-Star Game.
Grade: A

Player Introductions:
During Indianapolis' introductory cliché montage, Manning mentioned that the Super Bowl is "truly the last game of the season."

Hello, Mr. Football Nerd? That would be the Pro Bowl. Good luck getting a State Farm commercial.

As for Chicago, one of the Bears -- probably receiver Mike Hass, possibly backup quarterback Brian Griese -- ran onto the field wearing a visor, never mind that it was: (a) raining; (b) nighttime. See you at the keg, dude!
Grade: B

National Anthem: A personal note -- I detest Billy Joel's music, and would rather listen to Shannon Sharpe sing the entire score of the "The Pirates of Penzance" than sit through "Movin' Out." That said, Joel's subdued delivery was appropriate for wartime.

Better still, Long Island's crooner laureate looked sober, which is no mean feat.
Grade: B +

Commercial Rundown I
A. "Shooter," starring Tank Johnson Mark Wahlberg. Marky Mark is about to exercise his right to bear arms. Get it? It's a trap! Stuff goes boom!
Grade: C-

B. The NFL Network presents Chad Johnson's Super Bowl Party. How far has Britney Spears fallen? She was turned down for an ad featuring Janet Reno. Christina Aguilera looks smarter all the time.
Grade: B+

C. Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice making back-to-back appearances on CBS sitcoms. These guys aren't fame junkies or anything. Ten bucks says they find themselves in ballroom dancing situations.
Grade: C

D. Dr. Phil on Letterman. So much for that D-Phil-branded weight loss plan. Hopefully he doesn't eat Dave.
Grade: B-

E. Ford Edge, the world's first crossover that can drive on the sides of buildings. Finally, we're one step away from flying cars. Sweet! Bonus points for the truck zooming past a naked arm and leg flopping over the side of a daybed. Easily the best near-subliminal sexual suggestion in an ad since Joe Camel's face.
Grade: A-

Coin Toss:
Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri called tails. The coin came up heads. This guy is clutch? Jim Nantz noted that the NFC has won the last 10 Super Bowl coin tosses. Neat stat -- how about mentioning it before the deadline for making prop bets?
Grade: A+, on the strength of Bears long snapper Patrick Mannelly's apparent paste-on mustache.

Peyton Manning Throwing His Cap to the Ground After Hester's Game-Opening Return TD:
Manning really inhabited the character of a petulant Pop Warner player. Brilliant stuff. No wonder he gets so many parts.
Grade: A

Commercial Rundown II
A. Bud Light, Rock-Paper-Scissors for the last beer in the cooler. Beer is soooooo good, a guy will do ANYTHING for it -- even hit his friend with a rock. Never saw that one coming.
Grade: C-

B. Doritos, bag o' chips as improvised airbag/fall cushion. Surprisingly realistic, given how much vacuum-packed air is actually in a bag of chips.
Grade: B-

C. Blockbuster, computer-animated talking animals. Gilbert Gottfried wasn't available for voice-over duties? Really?
Grade: C+, but only because the blatant mouse abuse probably annoyed PETA.

D. Salesgenie.com, some dude named Pierce. Like a 30-second adaptation of "Glengarry Glen Ross," with less cursing and more cheesy blondes and red sports cars.
Grade: B+

E. Sierra Mist, karate class. Next time, make sure someone gets kicked in the junk. That's always funny.
Grade: D, for wasted potential.

F. Toyota Tundra, a truck that doesn't get crushed or fly off a cliff. Bo-ring. Where's Marky Mark when you really need him?
Grade: F

G. FedEx, office on the moon. A seeming sequel to last year's caveman ad. In the manner of most sequels, probably cost twice as much while delivering half the impact. The dude getting hit by a meteor was good -- but a zero-G kick in the junk would have been better.
Grade: C+

F. Bud Light, auctioneer at a wedding. Guys will do ANYTHING for a beer. Besides, what real guy wants to sit through something as boring and pointless as a friend's nuptials? The brew is getting warm, man!
Grade: C

CBS Establishing Shot of A Wet Crossbar:
Nice bit of stage setting. Good thing the field can withstand 102,000 gallons of water per hour. Grade: B+

Commercial Roundup III
A. Snickers, inadvertently homoerotic garage kiss. Nearly as hot as Janet Reno.
Grade: C-

B. Schick, Quattro Titanium Razor. Fitness model falls off treadmill while ogling freshly shaved male counterpart. Would have been funnier if someone had been kicked in the junk -- and if the hot girl had stayed upright and in the frame.
Grade: B

C. "Pride," starring Terrence Howard. Hey, so that's what Tom Arnold is doing these days!
Grade: A

D. Chevy, mash-up of every pop song ever to mention our brand. Anything is better than more Mellencamp.
Grade: A

E. Bud Light, ESL class. Those foreigners sure have funny accents! (Reality note: In the world outside of commercials, nobody asks another dude for his half-finished beer. That's pretty much a Snickers garage situation).
Grade: C

F. Letterman and Oprah, "We're in Love." Short. Funny. No talking animals. No David Spade. Didn't even need someone getting kicked in the junk. Best ad of the night.
Grade: A++

Celebrity-Spotting Roundup:
The Super Bowl is in Miami, and the best CBS can rustle up is the cast of "Rules of Engagement?" Ye gods.
Grade: F-

Phil Simms ripping "Rules of Engagement":
Upon seeing Spade & Co. getting soaked in the stands, Simms cracked, "If that was a hit show already, they'd be in a suite." And to think I was going to make a cheap crack about Spade's wispy facial hair.
Grade: A+

Commercial Roundup IV
A. GoDaddy.com, guy walking down a hallway talking too much. Less yapping about your product + more aspiring Hooters girls spraying each other with champagne = more entertaining commercial next time.
Grade: C

B. Coca-Cola, "Grand Theft Auto" parody. Excellent idea, superb execution. Second-best spot of the evening. If only we could send Mr. Give a Little Love to Baghdad.
Grade: A+

C. Bud, downtrodden dog sneaks onto parade float. Had absolutely nothing to do with beer, but so what? Beer commercials are never about selling brew -- they're about peddling an idealized self-image of guyness. Which also has nothing to do with a dog on a float. (Reality note: Brewing behemoth Bud running a spot about a literal underdog is like Microsoft running a spot about the Little Engine That Could.)
Grade: A for production values, D- for relevance.

D. Doritos, hot 'n' heavy at the supermarket checkout line. Ugly people having sex is a good way to sell your product? Really?
Grade: F

G. Chevy, half-naked guys dancing around an HHR. Shirtless dudes shimmying to Nelly is a good way to sell your product? Really?
Grade: D

Commercial Roundup V
A. Bud Light, fist bumps replaced by face slaps. Almost as amusing as the Three Stooges. Needed more David Spade.
Grade: B+

B. Beatyourrisk.com, you gotta have heart. High Blood Pressure and his evil friends stalk a man in a heart costume. Clear, easy-to-understand symbolism -- unlike those erectile dysfunction ads with the dude throwing a football through a tire, or the couple touching fingertips while soaking in cliffside bathubs. What are they trying to say?
Grade: A

C. GM, unemployed auto plant robot. The domestic auto industry is in such bad shape, even machines are getting laid off. Oy. Stated "obsession with quality" would have been more believable in a Toyota commercial.
Grade: B+

D. "Wild Hogs," starring John Travolta, the guy from "Fargo," Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence and possibly Tom Arnold, though we didn't actually see him in the spot. A subsequent promo referred to "Wild Hogs" as "the comedy event of the spring." Incorrect. The Imperial Japanese Navy bombing Pearl Harbor is an event. "Wild Hogs" is a movie.

Halftime Show
Started ominously, with CBS adding fake lightning to an actual rainstorm. Next came fireworks, followed by David Caruso casually strolling away from the inferno while adjusting the fit of his sunglasses. The good news? Prince still rocks -- so hard, in fact, that he can play electric guitar in the rain, without a single stream of mascara running down his cheek.

Likely thanks to Janet Jackson, his backup dancers wore more clothes than you would ever expect at a Prince show, or even a monastery. Still, the marching bands were a nice, surprisingly well-integrated touch. It's also good to know that if North Korea launches a surprise ballistic missile attack, Prince's laser lights should be able to shoot down any incoming warheads -- a capability NORAD has lacked since Pink Floyd stopped touring.
Grade: A

Commercial Roundup VI
A. Disney's latest CGI flick, "Meet the Robinsons." Best movie of the year. Go see it. Repeatedly. This endorsement has nothing to do with Disney owning ESPN.
Grade: A

B. E-Trade, literally getting robbed by your bank. Needed more Richard Nixon masks, Patrick Swayze.
Grade: B-

C. Coca-Cola, CGI Acid Trip. If the next "Final Fantasy" game looks like that, I'll be stoked.
Grade: C

D. The NFL, use of copyrighted telecast prohibited without consent. Lombardi. Walsh. No Bill Belichick. Once again, the Patriots are being disrespected. Will the slings and arrows never cease?
Grade: B

E. Bud Light, gorillas in the suds. Even zoo animals will do anything for a beer. Oh, and they talk, too. Add in an average-looking dude with a gorgeous girlfriend, and this spot would have hit for the beer commercial cliché cycle. (Reality note: When was the last time you saw a beer delivery guy at a zoo?)
Grade: F

F. Taco Bell, talking lions. Too bad they couldn't square off against the Bud Light gorillas, with the winner chowing down on the CareerBuilder office delivery guy. Sigh.
Grade: D-

G. Van Heusen, stylish male model draws appreciative stares from the megababes at the office. Too bad the rest of us don't work at a modeling agency. Damn you, Van Heusen dude!
Grade: C

F. Emerald Nuts, Robert Goulet as an office Gremlin. Brilliantly surreal -- a William Shatner-style spot without having to shell out for William Shatner. Probably Goulet's best work since his mid-1990s turn as an ESPN college basketball pitchman. (Singing of Arkansas: "Those pigs may be hogs, but they're kosher to me!")
Grade: A

Commercial roundup VII
A. Nationwide, Kevin Federline flips burgers. Many people saw this before the game, and just about everyone heard about it. Isn't that the point of advertising?
Grade: A

B. Bud Light, picking up a scary hitchhiker because he has beer. Overt message: Guys will do ANYTHING, even risk their lives, for a brew. Subtext: disapproving female passenger just doesn't understand. Which is why she's not a guy.
Grade: C. The chain-saw gag was a solid save.

C. Bud, beach crabs worshipping a beer cooler. How come the people and animals in beer ads are always sober? Just a thought.
Grade: B

D. Bud, Jay-Z versus Don Shula in hologram football. High concept "Madden Nation." Next!
Grade: D

E. NFL Network, it's so hard to say goodbye. Easily Brett Favre's best work since "There's Something About Mary."
Grade: A

Postgame Trophy Presentation
Peyton Manning needs a new Caddy the way the Super Bowl pregame show needs another hour.
Grade: B ... er, make that incomplete.

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Page 2 here.