NCAA all-hair team   

Updated: March 15, 2007, 4:59 PM ET

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Gene Keady is gone. Luke Schenscher has moved on. Steve Lavin has yet to return to the sidelines.

Not to worry: College basketball still has its share of bad sports hair.

Faces change. The drama remains constant. And so do the unfortunate 'dos. Such is the beauty -- and we use the term loosely -- of March Madness, where buzzer-beaters and ill-advised buzz jobs can be found in equal measure. Even without Eric Montross.

Who are this year's misguided mops, rightful heirs to the proud legacy of Lou Henson and Dwayne Schintzius?

Page 2 presents its 2007 NCAA Tournament Bad Sports Hair Hall of Shame:

John Calipari

AP photo

 

John Calipari, Memphis
Style: Oil slick.
Status: Active, and probably eligible for Superfund cleanup status.
Inspired by: Pat Riley, Gordon Gekko. Wait -- they're the same guy, right?
Fellow NCAA travelers: Sadly, Steve Lavin is no longer coaching. Sniff. Thank goodness for Notre Dame's Mike Brey!
Resembles: Black ice.
Fashion statement: Of course college basketball coaches deserve multimillion-dollar contracts. How else do you expect us to pay for styling gel?
Practical value: Hard hat optional at construction sites; immediate trustworthiness when selling used automobiles.
For best results: Pair with tailored suits, lunch box-sized cell phone.
Possible complications: Greenpeace rams a protest boat into your head.

Robbie Cowgill

AP photo

 

Robbie Cowgill, Washington State
Style: Mushroom cloud white man 'fro, chimney sweep stubble. A rare twofer.
Status: Active.
Inspired by: Apparent xyrophobia (fear of razors).
Fellow NCAA travelers: Gonzaga's Matt Bouldin and Texas' Matt Hill for the hair; mercifully, no one for the beard.
Resembles: What Don Johnson might have looked like had "Miami Vice" been set in the 1970s and/or Middle Earth.
Fashion statement: All we have to do ... is take these lies and make them true. Freedom! Freedom! You've gotta give for what you take!
Practical value: To be fair, it does get pretty cold in Pullman.
For best results: Use eye shadow to even out patchy stubble.
Possible complications: The Justice Department accuses you of aiding and abetting the Taliban.

Jamon Gordon

AP photo

 

Jamon Gordon, Virginia Tech
Style: Chinstrap beard.
Status: Actively attempting to squirm down Gordon's neck, the better to cower in mortified embarrassment under his jersey.
Inspired by: The St. Louis Arch, flipped upside down.
Fellow NCAA travelers: Maryland's Will Bowers, Ohio State's Greg Oden (sometimes).
Resembles: Cell-shaded video game graphics, in which characters are outlined by hard, black lines.
Fashion statement: Man, I'm exhausted from practice. I'll finish shaving tomorrow.
Practical value: Prevents chafing from actual chinstraps; if surgeons ever need to give you a face transplant, at least they'll know where to cut.
For best results: Shave thin lines into the rest of your body hair, too. For consistency's sake.
Possible complications: Ultimately fails to draw attention from your prematurely receding hairline. D'oh!

Joe Harden

AP photo

 

Joe Harden, Notre Dame
Style: Flaxen mop top.
Status: Active.
Inspired by: Harry Hamlin as Perseus; Czech soccer star Pavel Nedved; Dolph Lundgren as He-Man; Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli.
Fellow NCAA travelers: Arkansas' Steven Hill; probably some of the mascots.
Resembles: Amber waves of grain, if you're poetically inclined; an industrial mop dipped in a bathroom urinal trough, if you're not.
Fashion statement: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz and I'm fine.
Practical value: Wash 'n' go, dude. Wash 'n' go.
For best results: Fish oil supplements should provide a golden sheen.
Possible complications: Zeus demands that you slay the Gorgon, only you don't have a mirror. Uh-oh.

Robin Lopez

AP photo

 

Robin Lopez, Stanford
Style: Pinned back frizz; chinny-chin whiskers.
Status: Active.
Inspired by: Bill Walton; the Big Bad Wolf.
Fellow NCAA travelers: Derrick Low of Washington State
Resembles: Pompoms.
Fashion statement: When this becomes stylish in 15 years, you will recognize my forward-thinking genius.
Practical value: People can tell you apart from twin brother Brook.
For best results: Combine plastic headband with a Bluetooth headset. Look dorky, but never miss a call.
Possible complications: Headaches, brain swelling, seizures, death. (OK, the last three are totally made-up).


Torell Martin

AP photo

 

Torrell Martin, Winthrop
Style: Front-to-side fade, braids cascading from top to back. Quite possibly a postmodern mullet.
Status: Active, alas.
Inspired by: That unspeakably lame shaved-scalp/too-tight braids combo Jerry Rice sported while playing for the Oakland Raiders.
Fellow NCAA travelers: Quentin Thomas, North Carolina. Er, sort of (but not nearly as goofy).
Resembles: Irrigation canals. On Mars.
Fashion statement: Come for the hair, stay for the hoop!
Practical value: Looks dynamic in action shots -- a first-class ticket to AP photo immortality if Winthrop pulls a first-round upset.
For best results: In this case, "best results" does not apply.
Possible complications: Opposing players yank on your hair. What, you think that only happens in the NFL?

Joakim Noah

AP photo

 

Joakim Noah, Florida
Style: Tightly pulled yarn up top; a billowing ink cloud in the back. The sports world's first ponytail mullet.
Status: Hyperactive. Much like its owner on the offensive glass.
Inspired by: Davy Crockett.
Fellow NCAA travelers: None that we know of. Thankfully.
Resembles: The smoke plume erupting from the launch of a Saturn V rocket.
Fashion statement: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and bright!
Practical value: Hard to rebound or play a lick of defense when your hair keeps getting in your eyes. That explains Adam Morrison, right?
For best results: Accessorize with a blue muumuu; be the best player on a national championship team -- that way, no one can make fun of how silly you look.
Possible complications: During the national anthem, stadium officials ask you to remove your 'coonskin cap.

Greg Stiemsma

AP photo

 

Greg Stiemsma, Wisconsin
Style: Buzz-cut Mohawk.
Status: Active as of the Big Ten tournament.
Inspired by: Sherman's march through the South; Russian scorched-earth retreat tactics during World War II.
Fellow NCAA travelers: None. C'mon, Coach K, step up!
Resembles: A felt ribbon tied around a cue ball; an aircraft carrier in the Strait of Hormuz.
Fashion statement: Hey, anyone can grow a playoff beard. (Really: Stiemsma reportedly got the 'do to mark a potential Badgers postseason run).
Practical value: Less shampoo needed = less rinse water needed = eco-friendly. Save the planet!
For best results: Dye it Badger red. Just a suggestion.
Possible complications: In wind tunnel tests, uneven airflow around head creates nausea-inducing turbulence. Back to the drawing board.

Marcus Williams

AP photo

 

Marcus Williams, Arizona
Style: 14-year-old boy mustache.
Status: Active, but still maturing.
Inspired by: The first bloom of springtime; newly planted saplings; the onset of puberty.
Fellow NCAA travelers: Virginia's Jason Cain.
Resembles: A picture of Marcus Williams, defaced by a sharpie.
Fashion statement: Hey, baby -- I can grow hair in other places, too. Wanna go to the middle school dance?
Practical value: Less likely to trap bacteria-harboring food particles than a full-blown "Magnum, P.I." 'stache.
For best results: Pair with some tattoos, so the world knows that you're a Real Man, producing Real Man testosterone in your fully operational endocrine system.
Possible complications: 'Stache gets bushier as you age, and you end up looking like Hitler.

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Page 2 here.


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