One is irritatingly inescapable, inescapably irritating, more than a little dirty and quite possibly the most detested person in the whole wide world, at least for this week. The other is Paris Hilton. With the moronic heiress back in the slammer and Bruce Bowen handcuffing opposing scorers en route to yet another NBA championship ring, it's time to ask: which person is more worthy of public disdain? Herein, the head-to-head:
AP Photo/Dan Steinberg
Time in the slammer adds street cred to Paris Hilton's portfolio.
Bowen: Lets his feet do the talking
from underneath opposing jump shooters
Hilton: "That's hot"
Edge: Hilton. Broken ankle not as bad as a thicket of dead neurons.
Hey, How'd That Happen?
Bowen: A karate kick between your legs
Hilton: Fire in your crotch
Edge: Even. Some types of pain can't be quantified.
Talents Best Appreciated
Bowen: On film
Hilton: On film
Edge: Even. Use freeze-frame, super slo-mo to see the really nasty stuff.
Bowen: Finished second in voting for NBA Defensive Player of the Year for three straight seasons
Hilton: Has a full-time publicist. Seriously
Edge: Hilton. Heck, why not hire personal paparazzi as well?
Not As Dirty As
Bowen: The mid-'90s New York Knicks
Hilton: Lindsay Lohan
Edge: Bowen. Knicks did permanent damage to the NBA; Lohan only doing permanent damage to her nasal capillaries.
Did You Know?
Bowen: Averaged 16 ppg as a Cal State Fullerton senior
Hilton: Actually earned a GED
Edge: Bowen. Kevin Federline has a GED, too.
Oh, The Irony!
Bowen: Puts opponents on the line, but is a terrible foul shooter (.570 career percentage)
Hilton: Teamed with Puffy Combs in 2004 get-the-kids-out-to-vote drive; did not vote or even register herself
Edge: Hilton. "Teamed with Puffy Combs." 'Nuff said.
Lisa Blumenfeld/Getty Images
There isn't "a dirty bone" in Bruce Bowen's body? Amare Stoudemire and many others don't agree.
Bowen: A former teammate once told SI.com that "if anything, Bruce is too nice
there's not a dirty bone in his body"
Hilton: Told Regis that "one-night stands are not for me"
Edge: Even. Oh, and the Iraqis will greet us a liberators. For sure.
Bowen: Hasn't missed a game since 2002
Hilton: Once observed that "only fat people drink Diet Coke"
Edge: Hilton. Sorry America, but she's right.
Bowen: "Bruce Bowen: Come Fly With Me" opens in IMAX theaters
Hilton: "House of Wax II" green-lighted, Anthony Minghella to direct
Edge: Even. And thank goodness.
Nice Work If You Can Get It
Bowen: Earned $3.75 million this season to help send the Phoenix Suns packing
Hilton: According to Forbes, earned $15.5 million over the last three years
Edge: Even. When they win, we all lose.
Bowen: Nice guy off the court; can knock down the open trey
Hilton: Hasn't released follow-up album; doesn't own 24-hour cable network. Yet
Edge: Hilton. There's really no redeeming "Stars Are Blind."
Bowen: Creating a shot
Hilton: Sidekicks, storage locker fees, speed limits, showing up to court on time
Edge: Hilton. Note to self: When the judge is already ticked, do not be late to scheduled hearing.
Grace Under Pressure
Bowen: Doing an admirable job against ascending LeBron
Hilton: IT'S NOT RIGHT! MOMMY! WAAAAHHHH!
Edge: Bowen. Though "grace" is not a word usually associated with either person.
Someone Ask For A Recount
Bowen: Undrafted in 1993, the same year Acie Earl, Rex Walters and Geert Hammik were picked in the first round
Hilton: In 2006 AP poll, voted second worst celebrity role model, behind Britney Spears
Edge: Hilton. Where did the AP poll take place, Florida?
Suggested Birthday Gift
Bowen: A copy of "Edward Scissorhands"
Hilton: A "Monopoly" get-out-of-jail-free card
Edge: Hilton. Though she'd probably attempt to use the card.
No contest, as Hilton drubs Bowen 8-3. Pity that Hilton's probation violation can't be punished with a life sentence. Is it too late to start up an online petition?
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Page 2 here.