Paid attention to the week in sports that was? Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:
(a) Las Vegas police announced that suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Pacman Jones will face two felony charges in a February strip club brawl that preceded a triple-shooting
(b) Green Bay Packers linebacker Nick Barnett was arrested for battery at a Wisconsin nightclub
(c) Cincinnati Bengals running back Quincy Wilson was charged with disorderly conduct, becoming the 10th Bengals player to be arrested in the past 14 months
(d) The NFL issued a public apology for being so sanctimonious about "Playmakers"
2. A British newspaper reported that a Liverpool FC fan hasn't watched the club play for a decade because
(a) A heart condition that makes him black out when he gets too excited
(b) Detroit Lions fans never have this problem
Donald Miralle/Getty Images
Do you know who this torso belongs to?
(a) Tiger Woods, at the U.S. Open
(b) Barry Bonds, circa 2001
(c) Andy Roddick, on the cover of "Men's Fitness"
(d) Phil Mickelson, 'cause the nipples are a dead giveaway
4. After puffing dozens of cigarettes en route to his U.S. Open title, golfer Angel Cabrera said:
(a) "Some players have psychologists, sportsologists. I smoke."
(b) "I feel alive. With pleasure."
(c) "I'm so happy, I could kiss a phallus-faced cartoon camel while making up words like 'sportsologist.'"
(d) "Don't mind that thick stuff in my phlegm. It's too dark to be blood."
5. BYU runner Kyle Perry reportedly was arrested for aggravated assault after he:
(a) Got out of his car to confront a pedestrian who was pushing a mop bucket across a street
(b) Grabbed a mop out of the bucket and used it to attack the pedestrian
(c) Engaged in a mop fight when the pedestrian grabbed a second mop and used it to defend himself
(d) All of the above
(e) Held an impromptu solo audition for the Jackie Chan role in the next "Rush Hour" movie
6. A Chinese company that once tried to sell land on the moon lost its appeal against a court ruling that:
(a) Stopped the company from selling bags of "World Cup Air"
(b) Stopped the company from peddling Personal Seat Licenses
(c) Stopped the company from including preseason games in NFL season ticket packages
(d) Stopped the company from charging $8.50 for a plastic cup filled with lukewarm beer
7. Rookie safety LaRon Landry was unable to participate in Washington Redskins minicamp because
(a) A paintball shot to the groin he suffered during a team-building outing
8. The Oakland Raiders canceled the final week of their offseason training program after:
(a) Complaints from the players union about the intensity of practices
(b) Complaints from the players union about the intensity of weight workouts, because not everyone can be as jacked as Tiger Woods
(c) Complaints from the players union about team-building exercises that are all fun and games until someone gets shot in the groin with a paintball
9. The Humane Society sent a letter to Nike asking that the company cut ties with:
(a) Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, who is being investigated for alleged connections to dogfighting
(b) The University of Miami football team, because Clinton Portis played for them, and he didn't have a problem with dogfighting until PR people told him otherwise
(c) San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker, who plans to hold a rap concert in Marseilles before his wedding to Eva Longoria, and really, dogs have very sensitive ears
(d) Former NBA player Michael Jordan, whose sad, middle-aged grinding with young women in Cabo nightclubs is embarrassing to man and dog alike
10. Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Ian Snell missed a start because of a blister on the index finger of his right hand that came from:
(a) Burning his finger while cooking a chicken breast
(b) Not having the good sense to steal Gary Sheffield's personal chef
11. After declaring that all Tour de France cyclists will be asked to sign a declaration saying they are not involved in doping, International Cycling Union president Pat McQuaid said:
(a) "There is no reason cycling and doping should be linked and no reason doping should overshadow our sport"
(b) "No reason at all"
(c) "Seriously. No reason"
(d) "Please, no giggling"
12. The Cincinnati Enquirer's Web site ran a headline reading:
(a) Bengals Not Involved In Assault
(b) Bryant: Happy To Be A Laker
(c) Sunni, Shia Hold Baghdad Peace Rally
(d) Geraldo Sparks Sweater Trend
(e) ****1/2 For 'Chinese Democracy'
13. In the new television series "Age of Love," a contest between groups of 20-something and 40-something women for the affections of tennis player Mark Philippoussis is dubbed:
(a) Kittens versus Cougars
(b) Proactiv versus Botox
(c) Attention Whores versus Daddy-Never-Gave-Affections
(d) Women that Philippoussis subsequently will dump for a chesty "model/actress" versus women he'll promptly drop for busty pole dancing twins
14. Former NBA player Byron Houston was arrested after police found him:
(a) Sitting in the driver's seat of a vehicle at an Oklahoma City intersection, masturbating, with his underwear on the floorboard
(b) Insert David Cone joke here
15. USC's recruitment of 14-year-old basketball player Ryan Boatwright did NOT include:
(a) Coach Tim Floyd watching Boatwright play at USC's basketball camp
(b) Floyd offering Boatwright a scholarship, which the eighth-grader promptly accepted, even though he has yet to choose a high school
(c) Floyd getting his second verbal commitment from a 14-year-old in the last two years
(d) A bag of taquitos, some Mike's Hard Lemonade and the sudden appearance of Chris Hansen
16. A Nevada golfer accidentally started a 15-acre brush fire by:
(a) Striking his club against something that created a spark while attempting to play a ball that had landed in the dry grass beyond the course
(b) Emulating his new favorite golfer, Angel Cabrera
17. Former MLB player Warren Cromartie took part in a Japanese pro wrestling bout that featured:
(a) A chair-throwing, turban-wearing, sword-swinging villain named Tiger Jeet Singh
(b) Cromartie wearing a full baseball uniform with "Samurai Man" written on his chest
(c) A main bout card starring a wrestler named "Hard Gay"
(d) At least three potential characters for a Wii remake of "Punch-Out!" C'mon Nintendo, get cracking already!
AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian
Oops, does this give away the answer?
18. Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard appears on the cover of this month's:
(b) Foreign Affairs
(c) Utne Reader
(d) International Journal of Peptide and Protein Research
19. Kobe Bryant : Digital cameras
(a) Paris Hilton : Night vision camcorders
(b) Pat O'Brien : Voicemail
(c) The entire cast of "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" : Celluloid film
(d) All of the above
20. Mike Nifong : Responsible prosecuting
(a) Mike Brown: Effective coordination of disaster relief
(b) Rafael Palmeiro : Honest Congressional testimony
(c) Jayson Williams : Judicious exercise of Second Amendment rights
(d) All of the above
21. Alexi Lalas : MLS is as good as the EPL
(a) Darren Daulton : Anything he says about Mayan temples
(b) Dick Cheney : Greeted as liberators
(c) Obi Wan Kenobi : Not the droids you're looking for
(d) All of the above
22. The Texas Rangers gave general manager Jon Daniels a one-year contract extension despite:
(a) The club having the league's worst record at the time
(b) Is George W. Bush still running the Rangers?
23. The WWE's latest publicity stunt involves faking the death of chairman Vince McMahon via:
(a) Exploding limousine
(b) Violent mop fight
(c) Asphyxiation due to convulsive laughter brought on by the notion of pro wrestlers signing a Tour de France-style drug-free pledge
(d) A single round with "Hard Gay"
A recent exhibition basketball game in Washington featured 11-foot rims and took place just days before the release of a scientific study concluding that the average height of Americans is decreasing, likely due to junk-food diets. In 600 words or less, discuss what both items mean for USA Basketball's chance of ever winning an Olympic gold medal again.
ANSWER KEY: 1, d; 2-4, a; 5, d, though this must have already happened in a Jackie Chan flick; 6, a, and if the Chinese surpass us in hucksterism, we really are doomed; 7-14, a; 15, a-c, but wouldn't it be great if Hansen unleashed his investigative fury upon college basketball recruiting?; 16-17-19, a; 19-21, d; 22, a, though in fairness, Tom Hicks is just now wrapping his head around the possibility of Juan Gonzalez taking steroids; 23, a, and props to former ESPN.com colleague Darren Rovell, now with MSNBC, for getting tangled up in this (dude, we're totally jealous); ESSAY QUESTION: Any answer that includes "bronze medal at best unless Shaq's new television show ends up bigger than "American Idol'" is acceptable.
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.