The biggest quiz ever for the biggest week ever!   

Updated: July 27, 2007, 7:11 PM ET

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Paid attention to the week in sports (and other stuff) that was? Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:

1. Rank the following individuals from greatest to least on the basis of professional integrity:
(A) Tim Donaghy
(B) Mike Nifong
(C) Kenneth Lay
(D) Stephen Glass
(E) Benedict Arnold
(F) Boba Fett

2. Faced with federal dogfighting charges, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick pleaded:
(A) Not guilty (B) Not Guilty. You know, like O.J.

3. When former NFL running back Emmitt Smith said that Vick "might have been to a dogfight a time or two, maybe five times, maybe 20 times ... but he's not the one you're after," who was "the one" Smith mentioned?
(A) Guys who have been to at least 21 dogfights
(B) A translator droid in some other dude's landspeeder
(C) The real killers
(D) Neo

4. Which of the following statements penned by former NFL player Deion Sanders in a newspaper editorial about the Vick dogfighting allegations is the LEAST controversial?
(A) "I bet Vick loves the dogs that were the biggest and the baddest ... maybe he identifies with them in some way."
(B) "[Dogfighting] reminds me of when I wore a lot of jewelry back in the day because I always wanted to have the biggest chain ... it gives you status."
(C) "We're attacking this dogfighting in the same way a teenager attacks his MySpace page after school ... we should have the same passion for man that we have for man's best friend."
(D) "All I know is Falcons fans better pray because Vick's backup is Joey Harrington."

5. David Beckham:
(A) Made his debut with the Los Angeles Galaxy
(B) Right. So what happened with Harry Potter?

6. During a televised sideline interview, actress Jennifer Love Hewitt dubbed Beckham's debut:
(A) Better than any movie premiere
(B) Much better than any premiere for a movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt

7. Which of the following did NOT occur during the Tour de France?
(A) Race leader Michael Rasmussen was removed from the race by his team for violating "internal rules" involving two missed drug tests
(B) German cyclist Patrick Sinkewitz crashed into a spectator, after which it was revealed that he failed a drug test before the start of the Tour
(C) Kazakhstan cyclist Alexandre Vinokourov and his team pulled out after he tested positive for a blood transfusion
(C) Police detained Italian rider Cristian Moreni, whose failed drug test prompted the withdrawal of his team
(D) A Swiss newspaper published a death notice for the sport of cycling, listing the cause of death as cheating and doping
(E) Race organizers announced that next year's Tour will take place at night, since all of the riders glow in the dark

8. Protesting his innocence, Vinokourov said:
(A) An enormous amount of blood in his thighs could have led to his positive blood doping test
(B) That rumors he made a transfusion with his father's blood are untrue, because he "would have tested positive for vodka"
(C) That he "didn't want to waste time in proving his innocence"
(D) All of the above
(E) "Yes, I'm from the same country as Borat. Why do you ask?"

9. Does Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig plan to be in attendance when San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds breaks the career home run record?
(A) Cannot predict now
(B) Reply hazy, try again
(C) Better not to tell you now
(D) Ask again later

10. When Selig visited the Miller Park press box during a Brewers-Giants game featuring Bonds, a writer reportedly:
(A) Asked if Selig had left a ticket for George Mitchell, the former senator conducting baseball's investigation into performance-enhancing drugs (B) Said, "God bless the First Amendment"

11. Responding to Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling's contention on HBO's "Costas Now" that he should forfeit his records and MVP award because he admitted to using steroids, Jose Canseco said that:
(A) He could care less what Schilling thinks
(B) Join the club, pal

12. Patrick Arnold, the chemist who created the once-undetectable steroid THG, said on "Costas Now" that:
(A) He believes both Bonds and Gary Sheffield took steroids
(B) He believes Bonds knowingly took steroids
(C) He believes both Bonds and Sheffield are ready for the Tour de France
(D) The best thing about "the clear" is that you don't even have to shoot it in your butt

13. The New York Times first reported that:
(A) Former Bonds mistress Kimberly Bell will pose nude in the November issue of Playboy
(B) Bell will discuss her relationship with Bonds in the same issue
(C) A and B
(D) Competing newspapers may as well throw in the Pulitzer towel, because the Times owns the upcoming-Playboy-cover beat

15. The worst aspect of actress Lindsay Lohan's arrest on drunk driving and cocaine possession charges is:
(A) Rehab clinics don't offer refunds
(B) More television time for Michael Lohan
(C) If the actress keeps this up, she's going to kill someone besides Lindsay Lohan
(D) All of the above

16. A Middle Eastern businessman reportedly:
(A) Rang up a $210,000 bar tab in just five hours at a London nightclub
(B) Ran up a $210,000 bar tab in just five hours at a London nightclub ... and didn't even "Make it Rain"
(C) Will be dating Lindsay Lohan within the next two months
(D) All of the above

17. Miami Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter was fined $141,176 by the NFL for:
(A) Punching Cincinnati Bengals lineman Levi Jones at a Las Vegas blackjack table in March
(B) Not saving any and all violence toward Jones for the upcoming NFL season
(C) Not having the good sense to avoid anyone associated with the Bengals after sundown
(D) Taking card games a little too seriously

18. Florida Marlins pitcher Scott Olsen:
(A) Was arrested for driving under the influence, refusing to pull over and getting into a fight with police
(B) Previously received a black eye from former teammate Randy Messenger in an off-the-field confrontation
(C) Was fined for making an obscene gesture toward Milwaukee fans in June
(D) Is the last person you want to see at the same blackjack table as Joey Porter
(E) All of the above

19. A new league rule requires press photographers working at NFL games to:
(A) Wear red vests with the logos of Canon, an official league sponsor, and Reebok, an official league licensee
(B) This quiz brought to you by Sprint, the Official Internet Services Provider of the National Football League, all rights reserved

20. USC basketball player Brynn Cameron, the mother of Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart's infant son Cole, told a newspaper that:
(A) When it comes to raising his son, Leinart "comes and goes whenever he wants."
(B) It's hard for her to "open a magazine or read a newspaper article with Matt saying, 'Oh, I love being a dad, I love changing diapers.' I'm like, 'Wait, what?' I'm doing all the work but he gets all the credit for it."
(C) She doesn't want to "bad-mouth [Leinart's] lifestyle, but it is hard because we are different people. He likes that Hollywood stuff."
(D) All of the above
(E) "Seriously -- Paris Hilton? I hope Matt wore a biohazard suit."

21. Which of the following did NOT happen at the British Open?
(A) Tiger Woods hit a 63-year-old woman in the head with a sliced approach shot
(B) Sergio Garcia hit a freelance photographer with a tee shot
(C) Phil Mickelson hit the green with a golf ball
(D) None of the above

22. The sports blog 100 Percent Injury Rate reported that a Beijing company is offering an Olympic tour package that includes a visit to the China North International Shooting Range, where according to the company:
(A) Customers can shoot "pistols, machine guns, rifles, machine guns, rocket launchers and mortars"
(B) "If you are shy, you may use TT Olympia sports pistol"
(C) "If you want to relax yourself, you may try antiaircraft rocket launcher!"
(D) "No license required ... just take your bucks with you for enjoyment!"
(E) Tank Johnson is already taking Mandarin classes

23. Following a seventh-inning brawl in a minor league baseball game in which they trailed the Macon Music 12-2, the visiting South Georgia Peanuts:
(A) Walked off the field
(B) Are obviously now going to have to fight the Music here, as opposed to over in Macon

24. Green Bay Packers fans Scott Scherer and Melanie Hardrath were sentenced to jail for:
(A) Locking Hardrath's young son in his room with a bucket for a toilet while watching a Packers game at a casino
(B) Not having the decency to give Hardrath's son a laundry hamper, the better to emulate Packers running back Najeh Davenport

25. According to Reuters, Iraqis stocked up on gasoline and ammunition in preparation for:
(A) Their national soccer team's match against South Korea in the semifinals of the Asian Cup
(B) The sun coming up tomorrow
(C) All of the above

26. Chile's foreign minister filed a formal complaint with Ottawa after Toronto police:
(A) Scuffled with Chilean team members following a FIFA U-20 World Cup soccer match
(B) Reportedly used pepper spray, batons and TASERS to prevent Chilean players from reaching a large fence separating them from hundreds of angry, chanting fans
(C) Saved Team Chile from much bigger trouble, if Chilean fans are anything like their Iraqi counterparts
(D) Mistook Team Chile for the Cincinnati Bengals

27. Former UCLA and NBA basketball player J.R. Henderson:
(A) Changed his name to J.R. Sakuragi
(B) Will compete for his adopted homeland of Japan in international competition
(B) Is surprisingly not involved in any herpes-related legal action
(D) All of the above

ANALOGIES

28. Michael Vick : ever playing in the NFL again
(A) Tim Donaghy : officiating something beyond prison-league basketball
(B) Mike Gravel, Ron Paul : winning the 2008 presidential election
(C) Kevin Smith : directing a sequel to "Jersey Girl"
(D) All of the above

29. Bob Costas : Little Midget Man
(A) Barry Bonds : Geico Caveman Forehead Wannabe
(B) Barry Bonds : Grumbly Backne Whatever Dude
(C) Barry Bonds : Lactating Bovine Hormones Guy
(D) All of the above

30. Curt Schilling : straight, bold talk with Bob Costas about steroids
(A) Curt Schilling: straight, bold talk with Congress about steroids (B) Oops, A is a typo

31. Sergio Garcia : complaining about having to wait at the 18th hole of the British Open
(A) Karl Rove : complaining that politics can be dirty and personal
(B) Barry Bonds : complaining about rude service
(C) Michael Moore : complaining about the fat guy spilling out of the airplane seat next to him
(D) All of the above

32. World Anti-Doping Agency head Dick Pound: believes golf should begin drug testing
(A) Pound : believes competitive bridge should begin drug testing
(B) Pound : believes "Pirate Master" should begin drug testing
(C) Pound : believes you should be peeing into a cup right now
(D) All of the above

MATH

33. If ESPN trains 19 cameras on David Beckham and records all 12 playing-time minutes of his MLS debut, does the network capture enough raw footage to broadcast another one-hour pregame Beckham infomercial?

34. If Cleveland Browns quarterback draftee Brady Quinn charges at least $75 for a signed picture and up to $225 for other signed merchandise at a shopping mall autograph session, then how much does he charge for photos of himself flexing with a botoxed-looking Bret Michaels, dressed like a bottle of mustard, done up like one of the Village People or happily placing his hand over other guys' crotches?

EXTRA CREDIT

35. About 100 angry fans of the Brazilian soccer club Corinthians protested the club's seventh match without a win by:
(A) Going directly from the stadium to the home of club president Alberto Dualib
(B) Chanting insulting slogans and throwing eggs and firecrackers at Dualib's house
(C) A and B
(D) Matt Millen just Googled "building a moat"

36. When University of Tennessee athletics director Mike Hamilton said that the school's Neyland Stadium smoking ban will "have a negative impact on our fans who smoke," what negative impact was he referring to?
(A) Whiter teeth
(B) Not smelling like a walking ashtray
(C) Less chance of dying a painful, horrible, wheezing death from lung and/or throat cancer
(D) Less chance of having to live with one of those voice-box things jammed in your throat, making you sound like early 1990s rapper The D.O.C.
(E) None of the above

37. Which of the following headlines ran on the Boston Globe's Web site?
(A) Belichick Focused on Job
(B) Hefner Likes Breasts
(C) Lohan Higher Than Space Station
(D) Bogut Unaware Star Wars Prequel Cameo Opportunities Long Gone

ESSAY QUESTION: Former North Carolina prosecutor Mike Nifong admitted there was "no credible evidence" that three Duke lacrosse players committed any of the crimes he accused them of more than a year ago. Meanwhile, Lt. Gen. Philip Kensinger may be demoted for his role in providing misleading information about the death of Army Ranger and former Arizona Cardinals star Pat Tillman. In 800 words or less, describe how the Tim Donaghy scandal is the most serious moral and ethical sports-related crisis of the 21st century.

ANSWER KEY: 1, any order acceptable; 2, a; 3, all answers equally valid, we have no idea what Smith was talking about; 4, d, and does anyone disagree?; 5-6, a, "Can't Hardly Wait" = mediocre John Hughes, which is really saying something; 7, a-d; 8, d; 9, all answers valid; 10-11, a, it literally takes an act of Congress to get Schilling to shut up; 12, a-b; 13, c; 15, d; 16-17, a; 18, e; 19, a, we support any ESPN mobile entity; 20-21, d; 22, a-d, lock and load; 23-25, a; 26, a-b; 27-29, d; 30, b; 31-32, d; 33, the answer is "yes," because 45 minutes of that is commercial time, anyway; 34, trick question, the answer is $0.00, since all of those photos are available for free on the Internet; 35, c, in reality Millen would be Googling "building a flaming moat," not to be confused with "The Simpsons" cocktail; 36, e; 37, a, and thanks for the scoop!; Essay Question: answer doesn't matter, everyone gets an "A" because we can't read another word about how serious and shocking this is. Wake us up when pro teams outside of Atlanta start playing in front of empty arenas or when EA Sports includes a 'bribe-the-ref' minigame in this year's version of "NBA Live."

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.


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