Test your IQ and Steely resolve   

Updated: August 20, 2007, 4:15 PM ET

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Paid attention to the week in sports (and other stuff) that was? Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:

1. As part of a possible plea bargain in a federal dogfighting case, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick could face:
(A) More than 12 months in prison
(B) More than 12 months of gaining a greater appreciation for the compromising position he once placed his rottweiler in
(C) All of the above

2. Vick's co-defendants in the dogfighting case:
(A) All accepted plea agreements with the government, clearing them to testify against Vick
(B) Found Carmelo Anthony's performance in "Stop Snitchin' " both amateurish and unconvincing
(C) Will never be confused with True Heroes of Conscience such as Greg Anderson
(D) Finally understand what it feels like to roll over for a bone

3. Identify the NBA's new slogan:
(A) Where Amazing Happens!
(B) Where Amazing Happens After 10:30 ET!
(C) Where Amazing Happens, But Only If You Take The Over!
(D) Where Amazing Happens, Specifically In New York, Where Isiah Thomas Remains Gainfully Employed!
(E) Where The San Antonio Spurs Are A Year Older, So Don't Change The Channel, Please!

4. San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds announced that:
(A) The 2008 season will likely be his last
(B) Please, Barry, don't go!
(C) Pretty please?
(D) Oh, and don't jump into that briar patch, either, OK?

5. Bonds also reportedly:
(A) Hired two Bay Area attorneys to defend him against potentially false and defamatory statements, such the ones Curt Schilling gave to Bob Costas regarding Bonds allegedly using steroids and having a mistress
(B) Has no problem with his BALCO grand jury testimony being presented as evidence in open court, since that would happen in a defamation trial
(C) Has no problem with swearing under oath that he never used steroids or had a mistress, since that also would happen in a defamation trial
(D) Was just kidding when he quickly withdrew his previous lawsuit against the authors of "Game of Shadows"
(E) Isn't troubled by the current stock market meltdown, given that he's paying two Bay Area attorneys to do nothing

6. Identify the image to the right:
(A) Bill Cowher on the set of "Sesame Street"
(B) What a Village People concert looks like after dropping acid
(C) Adult film industry mascot Thrusty McRamrod
(D) New Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam

7. In response to the introduction of Steely McBeam, Steelers fans:
(A) Started a petition asking the team to either change the mascot's name or get rid of it altogether
(B) Showed remarkable charity and restraint by not lighting torches and stockpiling pitchforks
(C) A and B

8. According to TheSmokingGun.com, which of the following requests does the Steelers' 17-page travel rider not require of team hotels?
(A) Remove alcohol from mini-bars
(B) Provide a master room key for bed check
(C) Provide Heinz ketchup -- and only Heinz ketchup -- during team meals
(D) Provide foam rubber pillows for team owner Dan Rooney
(E) Provide two bowls of brown M&M's and 24-hour police protection for Steely McBeam

9. Golfer Sergio Garcia:
(A) Was disqualified from the PGA Championship after signing an incorrect third-round scorecard marked by playing partner Bo Weekly
(B) Sergio made it to the third round?

10. Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young was benched for his team's preseason opener:
(A) Because he reportedly left the team hotel to sleep at home
(B) Because he reportedly left the team hotel to sleep at home, where you never have to ask for foam rubber pillows
(C) Because by leaving the team hotel to sleep at home, he inadvertently illustrated the stupidity of control-freak coaches forcing players to stay at hotels before home games, a practice partially funded by your preseason ticket purchases. Enjoy watching the third-string punter get decked!
(D) As a precaution, due to the impending release of Madden '08

11. Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy pleaded guilty to two felony charges in a league betting scandal and now faces: (A) Up to 25 years in prison
(B) A potential prison sentence up to 25 times longer than the one facing Michael Vick
(C) A justice system, which really is blind

12. Fed up with the press camped outside her family's Florida home, Donaghy's wife posted a note reading:
(A) "Please do not knock on our door, ring the bell or wave at us as if we intend to give you the comment that may improve your chances of 'moving up on the food chain.'"
(B) "Please do not perform your job in a civil manner, you are giving paparazzi everywhere a bad name."
(C) "Please do not attempt to do what is required of you as a working professional. If it helps, follow my husband's example."
(D) "First one of you who gets me to admit that this whole thing sucks ends up at Sports Illustrated. That's how your business works, right?"

13. Los Angeles Galaxy midfielder David Beckham pronounced himself:
(A) "About 78 percent" fit to play in a match against D.C. United
(B) Possibly 80 percent fit to play, but only if he gets a good night's sleep before the match
(C) Only 76.54 percent fit to play, because there's a mosquito bite between his shoulders that he just can't reach, and it's driving him crazy
(D) 100 percent fit to serve as the match statistician

14. An American pitcher became the first player in Japanese baseball history to receive a doping suspension after testing positive for:
(A) The hair-growing agent Finasteride
(B) Male-pattern vanity
(C) An exceedingly literal interpretation of the Book of Judges

15. The NFL's new concussion-management guidelines:
(A) Include a telephone hotline allowing players with head injuries to report when they are being forced to practice or play against medical advice
(B) Include a telephone hotline allowing players with head injuries to report when they are being forced to practice or play against medical advice that usually comes from team doctors, who are never, ever pressured to get players back on the field as soon as possible, just as players never put undue pressure on themselves, because stuff like that only happens in Oliver Stone movies and "Playmakers," and besides, a player with a head injury is going to make only good, rational decisions
(C) Move along, nothing else to see here, good luck with your fantasy draft

16. Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox:
(A) Set the major league ejection record
(B) Change one letter in the word "ejection," and you have everything you need for a David Cone joke

17. A sports coach in India who tutored a 5-year-old boy to run the equivalent of nearly two marathons in a little more than seven hours was:
(A) Arrested on suspicion of torture
(C) Accused of beating the boy, withholding food, locking him in a room for two days and hanging him upside down from a ceiling fan
(C) Hired by the CIA to run a detention and interrogation center located somewhere in Eastern Europe
(D) Granted honorary Crazy Tennis Dad status in a ceremony hosted by Marv Marinovich

18. According to the Associated Press, generous federal tax breaks designed to spur rebuilding in the wake of Hurricane Katrina are:
(A) Helping fund million-dollar condos -- some with Bear Bryant wall art -- near the University of Alabama's football stadium, located hundreds of miles inland
(B) Hey, a Tide is sort of like a Hurricane. Right?

19. The Tennessee Titans got a court order prohibiting suspended cornerback Pacman Jones from:
(A) Touching or being touched, grappling, shoving, throwing or having anything thrown at him during his pro wrestling debut
(B) Treating his pro wrestling debut like just another night at a strip club
(C) A and B

20. Jones' record label announced the cornerback will release a rap single which talks about:
(A) Respecting women, abiding by the law, eschewing violence
(B) Staying in, turning off the phone, curling up with a good book
(C) Quantum mechanics, Vivaldi's fifth, the socioeconomic foundations of the Bretton Woods accords
(D) Big money, cars and jewelry

Analogies
21. Evander Holyfield : boxing WWE wrestler Matt Hardy
(A) Chad Johnson : racing a horse
(B) Mark Cuban : handing out soft serve
(C) Cade McNown : playing quarterback in the NFL
(D) All of the above

22. Juan Pablo Montoya and Kevin Harvick : shoving and yapping while wearing driving helmets and HANS devices
(A) Barry Bonds : hiring lawyers to pursue defamation cases
(B) Rupert Everett and Ellen DeGeneres : filming a love scene
(C) The Black Knight : will bite your legs off
(D) All of the above

23. Pacman Jones : "I am the best team player that ever lived" (A) Muhammed Saheed al-Sahaaf : "No American troops in Baghdad"
(B) Rafael Palmeiro : "I have never used steroids. Period"
(C) Kim Jong-il : "I shot 11 holes-in-one. Honest"
(D) All of the above

24. Cleveland Browns coach Romeo Crennel : flipping a coin to pick between quarterbacks Charlie Frye and Derek Anderson
(A) At the theater : "I Know Who Killed Me" or "Daddy Day Camp"
(B) Hungry at 3 a.m. : 7-11 hot dog or can of expired tuna
(C) The next president : staying in Iraq and leaving Iraq
(D) All of the above

Extra Credit
25. According to a spokesman, newlywed Houston Rockets center Yao Ming:
(A) Was "pretty close" to being drunk at celebratory dinner with his Chinese national teammates
(B) This is news?
(C) This is news that requires a spokesman?
(D) After World War III, only two forms of life will be left on the planet: cockroaches and their publicists

26. Former MLB player Jose Offerman was arrested after he charged the mound during a minor league game and attacked the pitcher and catcher with:
(A) His baseball bat
(B) A cannon that fires baseballs at speeds exceeding 80 mph

27. The State Department announced that:
(A) Cal Ripken Jr. will serve as a special envoy
(B) Bill James will chair the Federal Reserve
(C) Darryl Dawkins has been named ambassador to the planet Lovetron
(D) Steely McBeam has been dispatched to Waziristan in order to scare Osama Bin Laden out of hiding

Essay Question
An ongoing controversy in Brazilian soccer involves:

  • The director of a prominent team saying on national TV that a rival player is gay;
  • The player suing the director for slander;
  • A judge dismissing the slander claim, ruling that soccer is a "virile game," not a "homosexual game," and that gays should play in their own soccer league;
  • The Brazilian government demanding an explanation from the judge;
  • Another Brazilian player announcing that he will appear nude in an upcoming issue of a gay men's magazine, even though he's straight.

In 800 words or less, describe how the sports media -- including ESPN -- would cover a similar controversy taking place in the United States and involving Mike Piazza, Garrison Hearst, Sen. Sam Brownback, Clay Aiken and the Teletubbies.

Answer Key
1, c; 2-5, a, and honestly, if Barry Bonds wants to intimidate people, couldn't he just hire some of Greg Anderson's prison friends?; 6, d, though b is also acceptable; 7, a; 8, a-d, and c'mon, foam rubber pillows? Is Rooney an astronaut? Does he also request Tang?; 9-12, a, and trust us, we know all about the media food chain, being the plankton that we are; 13-16, a, unless ESPN.com editors cut No. 16 entirely; 17-18, a, huzzah for sports pork!; 19, c, and too bad the Titans can't write a strip-club rider into the standard NFL contract; 20, d, and if you somehow got this wrong, we'd like to see the rock you've been living under, it might be Martian in origin; 21-24, d, we actually once wrote an entire column about the inanity of helmet fighting by race car drivers, and if you've ever seen "Spaceballs," you can probably guess the gist of it; 25, all answers acceptable, and this only proves that "ESPN Hollywood" was ahead of its time; 26, a, and really, a fast-moving baseball could never act as a deadly weapon; 27, a, and after his previous stint as White House Lawn T-Ball Commissioner, Ripken should have no problem solving the Palestinian conundrum; Essay Question: Any answer that mentions "Shavlik Randolph's head just exploded" or "you forgot Steely McBeam" is acceptable.

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.


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