You're in luck … this is an open-book test   

Updated: October 8, 2007, 11:14 AM ET

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Page 2 Quiz

Paid attention to the week in sports -- and other stuff, like Kevin Federline's unlikely ascension to Father of the Year candidate -- that was? Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:

1. Marion Jones:
(a) Thought it was flaxseed oil
(b) Whatever, dude

2. Which of the following beverages are the New York Mets least likely to be drinking?
(a) Champagne

Mr. Met

Kurt Snibbe

First Anna Benson left. Then came the historic collapse of 2007. It's not easy being Mr. Met these days.

3. Pop psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers told a New York newspaper that as a result of the Mets' season-ending collapse, the team's male fans would:
(a) Suffer a decrease in testosterone
(b) Miss out on some "pretty wonderful sex"
(c) A and B
(d) Gain a great appreciation for what life has been like for Mr. Met since Anna Benson left town

4. The New England Patriots reportedly replaced their in-flight movie because it starred:
(a) Quarterback Tom Brady's ex-girlfriend, Bridget Moynahan
(b) Colin Farrell

5. After a jury found him guilty of sexually harassing former team executive Anucha Browne Sanders, New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas said that:
(a) He wasn't worried about losing his job
(b) During the three-week trial, his mind "never left basketball"
(c) A and B
(d) He has no idea what hemlock is, and therefore can't comment on adding it to Madison Square Garden's concession stand taps

6. The Thomas jury also ordered MSG and chairman James Dolan to pay:
(a) Punitive damages of $11.6 million on a $10 million lawsuit
(b) Typical Isiah

7. Which of the following news items is the LEAST surprising?
(a) Duke football team runs ad in student newspaper for kicker auditions
(b) San Diego Chargers fans chant for former coach Marty Schottenheimer
(c) U.S. soccer goalie Hope Solo posts non-apology on MySpace page
(d) Marijuana activist group leases billboard asking Ricky Williams to sign with Denver Broncos
(e) Judge orders O.J. Simpson to hand over Rolex to Goldman family
(f) Simpson's Rolex probably fake
(g) Chicago Bears quarterback throws three interceptions
(h) Notre Dame loses again
(i) None of the above

8. Former Barry Bonds mistress Kimberly Bell reportedly told Playboy magazine that:
(a) She sometimes faked it while in bed with Bonds
(b) Something fake involving Barry Bonds?
(c) Playboy has words?

9. Bell also told the New York Daily News that Bonds:
(a) Would stand in front of a mirror and ask if he looked bloated
(b) Threatened to cut her head off, then leave her in a ditch
(c) Seemed like he had "PMS, like a woman"
(d) Seemed?

10. A New York Jets season-ticket holder filed a $184 million consumer fraud lawsuit against:
(a) The New England Patriots and coach Bill Belichick, for illegally videotaping signals from Jets coaches during a game
(b) The Jets and quarterback Chad Pennington, for continuing to include 20-yard outs and post-corner routes in the team's playbook
(c) The Buffalo Bills, for another year of J.P. Losman
(d) The NFL, for not relegating the Miami Dolphins to English soccer's second division

11. Which of the following news items is made up?
(a) Pakistani man breaks world record for lifting weight with ear
(b) U.S. amputee to recover leg auctioned in barbecue
(c) Suspended Golden State Warriors guard Stephen Jackson named team captain
(d) None of the above

Stephen Jackson

AP Photo/Ben Margot

How do we find thee ironic? Let us count the ways.

12. According to reports, Jackson sports a new tattoo depicting:
(a) Two praying hands in front of a church window holding a gun
(b) The Virgin Mary cradling a swaddled artillery shell
(c) Jesus struggling under the weight of two Stinger missiles, strapped to his back in the shape of a cross
(d) The Popemobile, running over fools outside a strip club

13. Dog behavior experts found that 48 of the 49 pit bulls seized from a home owned by suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick are suitable for training and use in:
(a) Law enforcement
(b) Bonus money retrieval
(c) Prison guard duty
(d) Football mascotting

14. Texas A&M football coach Dennis Franchione reportedly:
(a) Sold inside information on his team in a newsletter to boosters that cost $1,200 per year
(b) Is paid about $2 million annually under a contract that runs until 2011
(c) A and B
(d) Can't understand why the weekly Big 12 conference call doesn't charge at least $9.95 per minute

15. A French newspaper reported that Danish cyclist Michael Rasmussen, who was kicked out of this year's Tour de France, had traces of:
(a) A blood-boosting substance in his system
(b) Integrity in his character

16. Faced with a pigeon problem at Paul Brown Stadium, the Cincinnati Bengals asked city officials to let:
(a) Employees who are "familiar with firearms" shoot birds a few days before games
(b) Wide receiver Chris Henry have a tiny bit of joy during his otherwise tedious league suspension

17. The Bengals said they were investigating other possible solutions to the pigeon problem, including:
(a) Installing strobe lights, netting and fake owls
(b) Placing the pigeons behind the Philadelphia Eagles' offensive line
(c) Inserting the pigeons' byline atop newspaper stories critical of Oklahoma State football players
(d) Hiring Willie Randolph to manage the pigeons

18. According to recent reports, which of the following did NOT allegedly use performance-enhancing drugs?
(a) Welterweight boxer Shane Mosley
(b) Journeyman MLB pitcher Scott Schoeneweis
(c) Rodeo bulls
(d) Sleeveless Mark Cuban on "Dancing With the Stars"

19. During the Knicks' media day, guard Stephon Marbury told reporters that:
(a) The highlight of his summer was giving himself to Jesus Christ
(b) During the above, he "got to see myself outside of myself" and was "able to look in the mirror and really see myself"
(c) A and B
(d) "My brain? Jesus kept that"

20. Which of the following is the MOST implausible claim in a $5 million lawsuit filed by litigation-happy convicted felon Jonathan Lee Riches against Belichick, Brady and Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss?
(a) Belichick bugged the home of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell
(b) Moss planted a recording device on the sleeve of San Diego linebacker Shawne Merriman
(c) Brady placed a listening device in Philadelphia quarterback Donovan McNabb's Chunky Soup, which McNabb then ate
(d) Wait -- these are supposed to be implausible?

21. Golfer Marc Warren injured himself by:
(a) Accidentally smashing a chandelier with a 5-iron while practicing his swing in a hotel room
(b) Not having the good fortune to be Russell Crowe, Johnny Depp, Who drummer Keith Moon or the 1998 U.S. Olympic men's hockey team

22. After receiving treatment for cuts on his arms and stitches for a deep cut in his abdomen, Warren said the only thing that hurt was:
(a) A scratch on his head
(b) His ego

23. Tennis racket maker Prince announced:
(a) The creation of a racket-looking frame that fits around a Nintendo Wii controller
(b) Golfer Marc Warren is in big trouble

ANALOGIES

24. Evander Holyfield's Real Deal Grill : George Foreman's Lean Mean Grilling Machine
(a) "Family Guy" : "The Simpsons"
(b) Microsoft Zune : iPod
(c) "Around the Horn," "First and 10," et al. : "PTI"
(d) All of the above

25. Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart : asking the team to "ride or die with him"
(a) Poochie : "you the fool I pity"
(b) All of the above

26. Garry Kasparov : odds of winning Russian presidency
(a) Mike Gravel : odds of winning American presidency
(b) IBM's Deep Blue : odds of winning Russian presidency
(c) Whomever Putin backs for Russian presidency : odds of beating Kasparov at chess
(d) All of the above

27. Michael Vick : attending eight-hour animal cruelty course at PETA headquarters
(a) Andy Reid : attending pass protection clinic
(b) President Bush : attending Linguistic Society of America's annual conference
(c) Blackwater contractors : attending responsible firearm use class
(d) All of the above

EXTRA CREDIT

28. According to PETA, a session on Christian teachings about the treatment of animals left Vick:
(a) "Blown away" by how much the Bible had to say about animals
(b) Blown away that the Bible could be used to read, and not just as a way of propping up canine rape stands with uneven legs

29. Jacksonville University backup running back Cecil Coltrane:
(a) Planted marijuana in starting tailback Rudell Small's dorm room
(b) Subsequently watched fellow backup Tommie Rogers replace the suspended Small, then gain 127 yards on 17 carries
(c) Only rushed for 13 yards on four carries himself
(d) All of the above
(e) Has a promising future working for the New England Patriots film staff and/or O.J. Simpson's memorabilia collection crew if this whole college football subterfuge thing doesn't work out

30. According to MLB.com, San Francisco's AT&T Park will host:
(a) An ice skating show starring Brian Boitano, featuring music from Barry Manilow
(b) "Left Behind" authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, researching their next book

ESSAY QUESTION

A popular national pizza delivery chain now offers an Oreo Cookie Pizza, essentially a cookie crust slathered with vanilla sugar sauce, Oreo cookies and icing drizzled on top. Meanwhile, Americans continue to get fatter, increasing health risks and care costs.

In 800 words or less, describe why the Oreo pizza must be stopped, and how this can be done.

ANSWER KEY: 1, a, and that excuse is so three years ago; 2, a; 3, c, and talk about insult to injury; 4, a, though b is perfectly understandable; 5, c, and how comforting; 6, a, and really, shouldn't Isiah be handling no-bid Iraqi reconstruction contracts?; 7, i; 8, a, and ouch; 9, all answers acceptable, dude is lucky he didn't lactate buttermilk, too; 10, a; 11, d, seriously; 12, a, though give Jackson credit for not going the mistranslated-Chinese-character route; 13, a; 14, c, maybe he has to feed Latrell Sprewell's family or something; 15, a, as if a cyclist would have traces of integrity; 16, a, where's Tank Johnson when you really need him?; 17, a; 18, d, and props to Cubes, those are some serious guns; 19, c, and now we finally understand that bizarre New York TV interview -- Starbury was speaking in tongues!; 20, all answers acceptable; 21, a, and next time stick to putting; 22-23, a; 24, a; 25, b; 26-27, d; 28-29, a; 30, a, and wasn't this a "South Park" episode?; Essay Question: any variations on "The pizza must be stopped before our combined national body weight creates a planet-destroying black hole," "Send a cyborg back in time to assassinate the mother of the Oreo pizza's creator" and "Take off and glass every Oreo pizza from orbit, it's the only way to be sure" are acceptable.

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.


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