Paid attention to the week in sports -- and other stuff, like Joe Paterno's selfless roadside assistance -- that was? Put you powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:
1. Joe Torre:
(a) Manages the New York Yankees
(b) No longer manages the Yankees
(c) Ask again later
2. Disgraced track star Marion Jones claimed it took her more than two years to realize that:
(a) What she thought was flaxseed oil was actually steroids
(b) What she thought was Santa Claus was actually a fat guy at the mall
(c) What she thought was a Ken Burns WW II documentary was actually "Transformers: The Movie"
(d) What she thought was butter actually wasn't
3. After admitting that she used performance-enhancing drugs, Jones:
(a) Gave back the five medals she won at the Sydney Olympics
(b) Agreed to forfeit her results dating back to Sept. 1, 2000
(c) Kept her mouth shut about the millions of dollars she earned in prizes, bonuses and appearance fees over the past seven years
(d) All of the above
4. Which of the following quotes from Jones' 2004 autobiography is the most deliciously ironic?
(a) "I HAVE NEVER TAKEN [PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUGS] AND I NEVER WILL TAKE THEM."
(b) "I was taking supplements ... flax seed oil ... why a test should show up positive was beyond me."
(c) "I'm a details person. I have to know everything that's going on around me, down to the last dot on the i."
(d) "Everyone, including my attorney, said not to worry. All I had to do was speak the truth and tell them all I knew."
(e) "The hypocrisy of it all was staggering."
(f) "I believe slowly the truth will come out and I will remain willing to cooperate in that process."
(g) "I must admit that acting is a secret skill of mine."
(h) All of the above
5. Chicago Cubs fans reportedly hung:
(a) A dead, skinned goat from the Harry Caray statue outside of Wrigley Field
(b) Hey, at least the smell was appropriate
6. Which of the following headlines is fake?
(a) Kangaroo hops on track during race
(b) George Gipp's body exhumed for DNA testing
(c) Italian soccer club nets escort-agency sponsorship
(d) Notre Dame celebrates a win
(e) None of the above
7. The U.S. House of Representatives passed a resolution:
(a) Commending Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre for setting the NFL record for career touchdown passes
(b) Condemning Favre for tying the NFL record for career interceptions
8. The Carolina Panthers signed:
(a) Vinny Testaverde
(b) Steve DeBerg
(c) George Blanda
(d) Otto Graham
9. A 46-year-old California woman claimed:
(a) She hit 16 holes-in-one in a six-month span
(b) She hit one less hole-in-one than Kim Jong-Il managed last week
10. Which of the following sports news items is the LEAST surprising?
(a) Chicago Cubs swept from NLDS
(b) New York Yankees fail to reach World Series
(c) Antoine Walker struggles with conditioning
(d) Floyd Landis maintains innocence
(d) None of the above
11. Sports agent Scott Boras:
(a) Claims that client and free-agent-to-be Alex Rodriguez will be worth as much as a billion dollars to a team over the next decade
(b) Will gladly take that tired old cow off your hands for five -- go ahead and count 'em -- shiny magic beans
(c) Has no idea why your wallet is empty
(d) Has already sold your town a monorail
12. Al Sharpton vowed to lead protests against Madison Square Garden unless New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas apologizes for:
(a) Saying that it's more acceptable for a black man to call a black woman a derogatory term than for a white man to use the same term
(b) Jerome James
13. Asked to respond, Thomas declined by suggesting his comments frequently are misinterpreted by the media, stating:
(a) "You can't say that. You can say what you didn't say because if you say what you didn't say, than y'all print what is said."
(b) Stupid misinterpreting media
14. USC quarterback John David Booty has one less potential thing in common with:
(a) Matt Leinart
(b) Gino Torretta
(c) Rashaan Salaam
(d) All of the above
15. Former Mexican presidential candidate Roberto Madrazo was stripped of his men's age-55 category victory in the Berlin Marathon after he:
(a) Crossed the finish line wearing a hat, windbreaker and long pants
(b) Supposedly covered 15 kilometers in just 21 minutes, nearly 20 minutes faster than the world record for that distance
(c) Finished with a time of 2:41:12, more than an hour faster than his time in a San Diego marathon in June
(d) Failed to properly credit flaxseed oil for his performance
16. According to reports, Madrazo previously:
(a) Overspent the legal campaign limit by tens of millions of dollars during a 1994 Mexican election
(b) Later told police he was kidnapped and beaten, even though police found no evidence of either
(c) Faced opposing campaign posters reading "Do you believe Madrazo? I don't either!"
(d) Won the 2006 Tour de France fair and square
17. Discussing his interest in purchasing the Chicago Cubs, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said:
(a) "If all this goes down ... if you cut any part of my body, you can see Mavs blood and you can see Cubbies blood coming out"
(b) I would prefer not to imagine fluid coming out of any part of Mark Cuban's body, thanks
18. International tennis officials announced that the sport is setting up:
(a) A Tennis Integrity Unit with help from horse racing and cricket
(b) A Tennis Honesty Promotion Unit with help from Don King
(c) A Tennis Find The Best Network TV Package Unit with help from the NHL
(d) A Tennis Cheating Prevention Unit with help from Bill Belichick
19. Houston Texans defensive tackle Travis Johnson:
(a) Hit Miami Dolphins quarterback Trent Green in the head with his knee, giving Green a Grade III concussion
(b) Subsequently taunted Green's motionless body
(c) Later said that Green was "like the scarecrow. He wants to get courage while I wasn't looking, and hit me in my knee instead of trying to hit me in my head."
(d) All of the above
(e) Either hasn't seen the "Wizard of Oz," or has an incredibly keen and deadpan sense of irony
20. Which of the following is NOT one of the Yankees' secret hotel-room aliases, as recently reported in The Village Voice?
(a) Richard Long
(b) Turd Ferguson
(c) Harry Pelotas
(d) Shelley Duncan
21. A Canadian woman picked the winners of all 14 NFL games and won a lottery prize of nearly $550,000 by:
(a) Filling in the boxes to make a "pretty pattern"
(b) Having "no idea which teams are good or bad"
(c) Sleeping while the games were playing
(d) Poring over statistics and betting lines, calling those absolutely free 888 lines for this week's LEAD PIPE LOCKS, consulting a self-crafted list of NFL betting rules and corollaries, studying The New York Times' exact final score predictions and rearranging her fantasy team lineup right until the first kickoff
(e) Everything but D
22. Members of the House Homeland Security Committee were advised to get hepatitis shots before:
(a) Going on an overseas detail
(b) Fly-fishing for medical waste off the Jersey Shore
(c) Reading about the pending Pamela Anderson-Rick Salomon nuptials
(d) Attending NASCAR races
23. The editors of Blender magazine:
(a) Named Sting the worst lyricist of all time
(b) Are obviously unfamiliar with "Cotton Eye Joe"
24. If a gold Rolex watch seized from O.J. Simpson turns out to be a Chinese knockoff worth $125, and fellow USC alum Reggie Bush receives $280,000 in improper benefits while playing for the Trojans, then how many fake Rolexes can Bush afford to buy?
25. If an arbitrator rules that suspended Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick owes the Falcons $20 million in bonus money, and the average annual CFL salary is $55,000 Canadian, then how many dog years will Vick have to run naked bootlegs in Saskatchewan to replay his debt?
26. Suzyn Waldman : Yankees broadcasting
(a) Dick Vermeil : football coaching
(b) Ed Muskie : presidential campaigning
(c) Iron Eyes Cody : highway litter
(d) All of the above
27. LeBron James : wearing Yankees hat
(a) Tom Brady : wearing Yankees hat
(b) Spike Lee : wearing Reggie Miller jersey
(c) Benedict Arnold : wearing a red coat
(d) All of the above
28. On his presidential campaign Web site, Connecticut senator and Boston Red Sox fan Chris Dodd is offering:
(a) A chance at winning airfare and two tickets next to Dodd for Game 6 of the ALCS to anyone who donates at least $20.04 to Dodd's campaign
(b) A chance at winning airfare and two tickets next to Dodd for Game 6 of the ALCS to anyone who donates at least $20.04 to Dodd's campaign and is not LeBron James
29. Penn State football coach Joe Paterno:
(a) Would like to have a word with your wife about her driving
(b) May have to use a finger or two to point out her automotive tomfoolery
(c) Does not give a damn what you think, 'cause he's going to meet Bear Bryant soon enough, and has to go potty in the meantime
(d) Does not apply the same cavalier attitude to the forward pass
(e) All of the above
30. A Massachusetts man in the bar of a New York hotel room was severely beaten by two men for:
(a) Wearing a Red Sox shirt and hat
(b) Endorsing Chris Dodd
(c) Expressing only mild disdain for Jimmy Fallon
According to Harvard professor Judith Grant Long, the total public subsidy for pro sports stadiums opened from 1990-2006 is roughly $18.5 billion -- even though, as Long says, "there is absolutely no evidence that $18.5 billion in public benefits have been generated since 1990 to compensate." In 800 words or less, provide at least three other examples of public subsidies that have not produced commiserate public benefits.
ANSWER KEY: 1, c; 2, a, then again, Jones claims lots of things; 3, d; 4, h, and we could have gone to "z"; 5, a, though give them credit for not hanging themselves; 6, e, Notre Dame really did win, and not even against a service academy; 7, a, good thing that the Iraq war is all squared away, leaves time for more important stuff; 8-9, a; 10, d; 11, a, and how long until Scott Boras has his own Mini-Me?; 12, a; 13, a, Thomas' syntax makes as much sense as his roster moves; 14, d; 15-16, a-c, and nice run, Jose Isuzu!; 17, a; 18, a, and bwahahahaha; 19, d; 20, d; 21, e; 22, d, and wow; 23, a; 24, trick question, with that kind of money Bush can buy a real Rolex, and not even have to hold anyone up; 25, trick question, it depends on the US-Canada exchange rate; 26, d, "Tokyo Rose : wartime broadcasting" would also be acceptable; 27, d; 28, a; 29, e; 30, a; Essay Question: any answer that includes "Iraqi reconstruction," "Alaskan bridges," "Homeland Security grants for Idaho," "the totally not gay decor in Larry Craig's senate office," "USA Basketball," "Congressional aide hepatitis shots" or "that little Presidential Campaign Fund checkbox on my tax return" is acceptable.
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.