We need a Batlight. We need the Batman. We need a noble champion, a dauntless martyr, someone -- anyone -- to save us from the all-Brett Favre, all-the-time news cycle that threatens to engulf both the sports world and the entire physical universe, one replayed clip of Favre delivering a shovel pass through the snow at a time, forever radiating into deep space and beyond.
Question is, who will be our Moses? Who will part the green sea, delivering us from 40 days in the bestubbled wilderness and unto the manna and honey of an equally overblown sports media promised land?
Where have you gone, Tonya Harding? Our nation turns its bleeding eyes to you
With one eye on prior achievements and another on future news potential, Page 2 rounds up the usual suspects -- Terrell Owens, Roger Clemens, the Juice, et al -- and asks: Can any of them steal Favre's all-encompassing spotlight?
AP Photo/Mike Thomas)
Terrell Owens is a showman, but can he puncture Brett Favre's media stranglehold?
Spotlight-stealing credentials: Proven ability to upstage quarterbacks; at-home abdominal crunch routine attracts news helicopters; you haven't really arrived until you've had your jersey cremated in a mock funeral -- see next-to-last paragraph here.
Best bet: Rehire publicist Kim Etheredge and have her appear in prime-time football promo wearing nothing but a towel while Owens clutches his sore ankle and eats popcorn from a giant prescription pill bottle. Or something like that.
Biggest handicap: Practically helped save Page 2 correspondent Sam Alipour's life, and it barely moved the media needle. Is T.O. losing a step?
Odds of supplanting Favre: 10-1. Remember: the great McNabbgate blowout began with Owens mentioning Favre. No escape!
Spotlight-stealing credentials: Put it this way -- if you're patronizing a gentlemen's establishment and Jones is at the next table, who will you keep your eyes on? The topless dancers? Or America's favorite amateur meteorologist?
Best bet: Announce that he once again wants to be called "Pacman" at all times, then celebrate change of heart with a blowout party. At a gentlemen's establishment. In Las Vegas.
Biggest handicap: Team already features Owens, Tank Johnson, Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson. Just getting noticed on "Hard Knocks" won't be easy.
Odds of supplanting Favre: 15-1. Could go lower, though -- assuming Johnson's mentoring program includes firearm safety instruction.
Spotlight-stealing credentials: Paper and printing-press electricity used in New York tabloid reports on Rodriguez's non-baseball activities probably have a bigger carbon footprint than Favre's private jet.
Best bet: Get traded to the Boston Red Sox; kiss Madonna at the MTV Video Music Awards.
Biggest handicap: Falls off relevance radar every October.
Odds of supplanting Favre: 75-1. Has the talents, tools and stage, but always comes up a little short. Just like in baseball.
Spotlight-stealing credentials: Has the U.S. Congress ever set aside time to debate Favre's abscessed buttocks on national television? Our point exactly.
Best bet: Appear as guest referee at WrestleMania, receive backstage injections from Vince McMahon, clobber Rusty Hardin with metal folding chair, declare New World Order, date Hulk Hogan's daughter.
Biggest handicap: Already straddling Bill Simmons' proverbial Tyson Zone. If Clemens were to bite off Ron Artest's earlobe in a celebrity MMA bout held tomorrow, would it even be surprising?
Michael Zagaris/MLB Photos/Getty Images
Does Jose Canseco have what it takes to break the Favre news cycle?
Odds of supplanting Favre: 25-1. But more like 1-25 if you're talking about the New York Daily News.
Spotlight-stealing credentials: Responsible for approximately 53 percent of Page 2's Week in Review quiz content, circa 2008.
Best bet: Coach a professional basketball team to a title while making shrewd trades and remaining under the salary cap or broker Middle East peace or broker release of "Chinese Democracy." You know, whatever's easiest.
Biggest handicap: Quite possibly still on European "scouting trip."
Odds of supplanting Favre: 150-1. As far as we know, he isn't scheduled to be deposed in any upcoming sexual harassment trials. Tough break.
Spotlight-stealing credentials: If you have to ask, you're probably crying for milk and still smarting from that umbilical cord snip.
Best bet: Find the real killers.
Biggest handicap: Actually finding the real killers.
Odds of supplanting Favre: 8-1. Upcoming trial court sequel in Vegas figures to pale in comparison to original; on the other hand, never count out a man who stays in the news by endangering manatees and pirating DirecTV.
Spotlight-stealing credentials: Willing to get punched in the face if you're willing to watch.
Best bet: Appear in adult films.
Biggest handicap: Already appeared on "Surreal Life." Where next, Columbus?
Odds of supplanting Favre: 300-1. "Juiced" looking more and more like a one-hit wonder.
Spotlight-stealing credentials: For two weeks, the world's eyes will be on General Electric, Panasonic and Lenovo. And, oh yeah, athletes such as Michael Phelps.
Best bet: Add French judges to every event.
Biggest handicap: Prospective audience unable to see Games though cotton-candy-thick Beijing smog.
Odds of supplanting Favre: 2-1. However, the Olympics will be over in two weeks and totally forgotten two days later -- just in time to see Favre make his Tampa Bay debut!
Spotlight-stealing credentials: Passing familiarity with ESPN.
AP Photo/Nati Harnik
Congratulations on winning a record eight gold medals, Mr. Phelps. Now then, when is the next Jets' preseason game?
Best bet: Compile more home runs, and/or federal charges.
Biggest handicap: Like flying cars and sass-talkin' household robots, time machines have yet to be invented.
Odds of supplanting Favre: 175-1. Federal trial not scheduled 'til March of next year -- just in time to see Favre announce his next retirement!
Spotlight-stealing credentials: Um, they're running for president.
Best bet: Both candidates create headlines with every new flip-flop.
Biggest handicap: Favre creates headlines with every new flip-flop.
Odds of supplanting Favre: 5-1. Election is bound to capture nation's fancy for a few weeks, mostly because season eight of "American Idol" doesn't begin until January.
Spotlight-stealing credentials: Ask someone who isn't old enough to drive, or who has to buy licensed stuff for someone who isn't old enough to drive.
Best bet: Collaborate with Annie Leibovitz yawn for more mildly provocative photos yawn to create soul-searching national controversy yawn about the sexualization of our youth yawn while deftly laying the groundwork for shocking, inevitable yawn career shift to all-grows-up young adult pop star yawn.
Biggest handicap: Seems too stable and well-managed to pull a Britney.
Odds of supplanting Favre: 800-1. Right level of overexposure, wrong demographic.
Anonymous NFL defensive lineman
Spotlight-stealing credentials: None, really. That's why they're anonymous. (Now get back to scouting backup running backs for your fantasy draft.)
Best bet: Blast Favre into retirement with one slobberknocking hit.
Biggest handicap: Slobberknocking hit will simply replace Favre's gallivanting in the snow with endlessly replayed retrospective montages.
Odds of supplanting Favre: 10,000-1. To paraphrase Obi-Wan Kenobi: Strike Brett Favre down, and he will grow more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
Spotlight-stealing credentials: Thisclose to having own 24-hour news channel. Hosted by Greta Van Susteren, of course.
Best bet: He could quit tomorrow
Biggest handicap: and come back again next week.
Odds of supplanting Favre: Even. We have a winner! Only one man for the job, really.
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.