Brett Favre spent most of his time Wednesday with his best friends (aka the press) answering questions regarding the accusation that he sought out the Lions to give them game-plan tips for their Sept. 14 game against his former team, the Packers.
Favre said that then-Lions president Matt Millen did speak on the phone, but only after Millen called him (not the other way around, as it had been reported). Favre added that the two spoke mostly about going hunting together and a little bit about football -- not regarding tips to beat the Packers. The whole conversation, according to Favre, was "pretty simple."
Well, not so fast, Brett. It was simple, and it wasn't. And thanks to the Patriot Act and the Freedom of Information Act*, Page 2 was able to get a full transcript of what happened. Check it out:
*Not really; we made this up
MILLEN: Brett! My man! How the hell are you, you old gunslinger?
FAVRE: (Audible clicking)
MILLEN: Hello? Brett? You there, buddy?
FAVRE: OK, yeah, and have Jerry run an MRI on Wade's head, too --
FAVRE: (More clicking)
FAVRE: Hey, Matt? I'm here. Just getting off the line with Tony.
MILLEN: Hey, what's a three-letter word for "rodent"?
MILLEN: Starts with "R."
FAVRE: Matt, what are you doing?
MILLEN: The crossword --
FAVRE: No, what are you doing calling me?
MILLEN: Brett, I'm returning your call. You left five different messages. Something about a hot tip you wanted to pass along -- hey, you know the market's cratering, right?
FAVRE: Not the market. Look, about those messages, I know y'all play the Packers this week --
MILLEN: We do? Hey, look at that! You're right!
FAVRE: And I want to help you.
MILLEN: Man, I need help. Three-letter word for "feline" ... C-blank-T --
FAVRE: But even though we're talking, just two guys casually talking football, I can't tell you anything about how to beat the Packers. That would irrevocably tarnish my reputation --
MILLEN: Five-letter word for "reptile" ... I'm thinking "Komodo dragon" --
MILLEN: "Reptile." Might have a "K" in it.
MILLEN: Bingo! Damn, Brett, you're pretty good at this. Does anyone in the media know how much you like words?
FAVRE: (Barely audible, mumbling to self) What's up Brett can Rodgers throw the skinny post thanks Jeff Fisher. (Pause, light tapping) Hell yes he can just not under pressure LOL --
MILLEN: Brett, you there?
FAVRE: Yeah, still here. Just texting on my BlackBerry. Look, Matt, there's a $30 million Packers marketing deal still on the table for me, so we could never talk football strategy directly --
MILLEN: You wanna go hunting?
FAVRE: We'll just have to keep our conversation (pause) simple. You understand what I'm getting at?
MILLEN: Sure, sure. Look, it's GREAT hunting. You gotta come.
FAVRE: Right. I get it. Hunting. OK. Let's suppose -- hypothetically -- that you're a Lion, and there's a hunter from Wisconsin after you. Now let's suppose that the hunter prefers using his shotgun in long-yardage situations. If you know what I mea --
MILLEN: And we can ride tractors!
MILLEN: I have bulldozers, too. Didn't know what else to do with all those Joey Harrington jerseys.
FAVRE: You know, in Green Bay, they have backhoes. So they can dig deep, and dig deep early. Because Green Bay likes to go deep early --
MILLEN: Nothing relieves tension like crushing stuff. Nothing. Hell, I once crushed a whole Ford Festiva --
MILLEN: -- don't tell the boss! Brett? Brett? Can you hear me?
FAVRE: Yeah. Sorry. It was Brad Childress. Told him I'd call later.
MILLEN: Hey, I should give him a buzz. You think he knows a four-letter word for a basic scientific unit?
FAVRE: Who, Brad?
MILLEN: M-blank-L --
MILLEN: That works.
FAVRE: Hey, if anyone asks if I've been giving you inside information on the Packers, you know that would be not true and pretty ridiculous, right?
MILLEN: Sure, Brett, whatever you say --
FAVRE: Like, just for the sake of argument, let's say I told you that Mike McCarthy likes bubble screens in second-and-short situations. That would be total BS -- not because it isn't true, but because I would never tell you that. Get what I'm saying?
MILLEN: Hey, anything you need, Brett. Just get your butt up here. Turkey's in season. Bagged one just the other day. Helluva shot, too.
FAVRE: Matt, what am I gonna do with a dead turkey?
MILLEN: Snow's 1993 hit single. Eight letters.
FAVRE: Hmmm ... "Informer"?
MILLEN: Sweeeeet. That opens up the whole bottom third of the grid.
FAVRE: Hey, is anyone in your office? Say, maybe, your coaches? 'Cause if they were in there, they might overhear some things that could help them against Green Bay. Such as RYAN GRANT NOT BEING ABLE TO PICK UP CORNER BLITZES.
MILLEN: Ow! My ear! Jeez, Brett, do you have to scream?
FAVRE: Sorry. I thought you had it on speakerphone. So the rest of your staff can listen in and take detailed notes.
MILLEN: Notes? Look, man, I see it and I shoot it. C'mon up. I'm just an hour away. Did I tell you I have bulldozers?
FAVRE: You did.
MILLEN: Therapeutic bulldozers?
MILLEN: Six letters -- "like a twin"?
MILLEN: Five letters ... starts with "A" ... secret ... or travel?
MILLEN: Bam! Brett, forget hunting! You should enter the National Spelling Bee!
FAVRE: Shucks, Matt. This is one good ol' boy who doesn't want his mug on major cable sports networks any more than it already is. You know how uncomfortable media attention makes me --
FAVRE: Almost as uncomfortable as Donald Driver facing press coverage from a potential Detroit Lions cornerback, if you follow me.
MILLEN: You know what makes me uncomfortable? Shakespeare. Three words. "Caesar's final question." Um ...
FAVRE: (Doorbell heard in the background)
MILLEN: Any idea?
FAVRE: "Et tu, Brute?"
MILLEN: Spell that.
FAVRE: E-T-T-U-B-R-U-T-E. I don't know what else to tell you.
MILLEN: You are good.
FAVRE: (Doorbell rings again) Hey, Matt? I gotta go. I think Mike Shanahan's at the door. Looks like he brought a copy machine.
MILLEN: No problem. So, you're coming up, right?
FAVRE: Right. Sometime soon. Hey, just to be clear, nothing we've talked about counts as game-planning, capiche? Just two guys talkin' hunting. And maybe a little football.
MILLEN: Football? Wait, that reminds me -- do you have any inside information on how we can beat the Packers?