Where to spend your time this summer
Strapped for cash? Pressed for extra hours? Join the club. With the possible exception of AIG bonus recipients, we're working harder than ever for less than we'd like, courtesy of a global economic recession with a trajectory resembling that of Apollo 1.
All of which makes our summer leisure that much more valuable.
Is the "Transformers" sequel worth 10 bucks? Is driving up to NFL training camp worth the time? Should I skip Disney World and take my kids to a movie? (Short answer: No. Unless the movie is made by Pixar). With limitless choices and limited resources, summer fun can be confusing. But don't worry -- Page 2 is here to help.
Herein, our first-ever Summer Entertainment Value Guide:
Rating key
Five ice chests: Pay any price, bear any burden
Four ice chests: Probably worth retail, definitely worth a few hours
Three ice chests: Not bad, if you can use a coupon or multitask
Two ice chests: For enthusiasts and/or the terminally bored only
One ice chest: You have something better to do, even if it's just flossing
Zero ice chests: When it's over, you'll be that much closer to death
Sports
U.S. Open (June 18) -- Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods
Plus six ice chests: Tiger!
Minus two ice chests: No Phil
Minus one ice chest: Padraig Harrington unlikely to break out "Happy Gilmore" swing
Total: 
Wimbledon (June 22-July 5) -- Strawberries, cream and grunts
Plus three ice chests: Maria Sharapova back from shoulder injury
Minus one ice chest: Anna Kournikova still retired
Plus two ice chests: New retractable roof means no rain delays
Minus one ice chest: Roof won't stanch Federer's tears if Nadal wins yet again
Total:
NBA draft (June 25) -- Where amazingly ill-advised suits happen
Plus five ice chests: Hasheem Thabeet could wear sunglasses indoors
Minus four ice chests: '09 talent pool as shallow as post-pick interviews
Plus one ice chest: Ricky Rubio either Dirk-like steal or Darko-esque debacle
Plus two ice chests: Clippers will find way to screw up top selection
Total:
Tour de France (July 4-July 26) -- They're pedaling as fast as they can
Plus four ice chests: The Lance returns to whip cancer, irritate the French, issue doping denials
Minus three ice chests: It's still a bike race
Total:
MLB All-Star Game (July 14) -- There's no tying in baseball. Usually
Plus four ice chests: Boston fans might vote Lastings Milledge into the game
Plus one ice chest: Extra innings? Milledge might have to pitch
Minus two ice chests: Live, on-field steroid tests unlikely
Total:
NFL Training Camp (Open July 21-25) -- Padded sleds, 8-on-8 and you
Minus one ice chest: Sweltering hot
Minus two ice chests: Less football than a preseason game
Minus two ice chests: Even players don't want to be there
Plus six ice chests: "Hard Knocks" to feature … the Cincy Bengals!
Total:
Movies
"The Hangover" (June 5) -- Vegas bachelor party. Hijinks ensue
Plus one ice chest: Rob Riggle with a Taser
Plus one ice chest: From the director of "Old School"
Plus two ice chests: Mike Tyson singing "In the Air Tonight"
Minus two ice chests: … and the next morning, they have to find the groom!
Total:
"The Taking of Pelham 123" (June 12) -- Remake of 1974 subway hostage thriller
Plus three ice chests: Closest thing to "Die Hard V" …
Minus two ice chests: … but is that a good thing?
Total:
"Year One" (June 19) -- Jack Black, Michael Cera as humorous cavemen
Plus two ice chests: Has to be better than live action "Flintstones"
Plus two ice chests: Has to be better than Geico cavemen sitcom
Minus one ice chest: Roman parts not as good as "Life of Brian"
Total:
"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" (June 24) -- "BattleBots" with a bigger budget
Plus five ice chests: Megan Fox
Minus one ice chest: Fox obscured by quick-cuts of CGI robots bludgeoning each other
Minus two ice chests: "Megatron wants what's in my brain" … and that's a wrap for plot
Total:
"Public Enemies" (July 1) -- Best supporting actor: the Tommy Gun
Plus one ice chest: Johnny Depp as Dillinger
Plus three ice chests: If nothing else, director Michael Mann ensures awesome shootouts
Total:
"Bruno" (July 10) -- Can Borat be topped?
Plus five ice chests: Sasha Baron Cohen lampoons pop culture
Minus one ice chest: Joke's on us …
Plus one ice chest: … and we deserve it
Total:
"Funny People "(July 31) -- The guys that brought you "Knocked Up" bring you Adam Sandler
Minus two ice chests: Ack! A dramedy
Minus one ice chest: "Happy Gilmore" a long time ago
Plus two ice chests: Better date-night option than a McConaughey rom-com
Total:
"Inglourious Basterds" (August 21) -- Quentin Tarantino meets WWII. More hijinks!
Plus three ice chests: If you can't enjoy cartoonish violence directed at Nazis, what can you enjoy?
Plus one ice chest: Brad Pitt in a funny mustache
Minus one ice chest: Brad Pitt
Total:
Video Games
"Virtua Tennis 2009" (June 2) -- Pong on Growth Hormone
Plus four ice chests: More addictive than Krispy Kremes
Minus one ice chest: Carpal tunnel
Total:
"Grand Slam Tennis" (June 16) -- Long-overdue EA tennis debut
Plus three ice chests: Uses new Wii controller add-on for 1-to-1 motion racket swings
Plus two ice chests: Only game with Johnny Mac
Minus one ice chest: Big-head player models belong in MLB game
Total:
"Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10" (June 16) -- When "Wii Sports" golf is not enough
Plus four ice chests: Also uses new Wii controller add-on for more realistic swing
Minus two ice chests: If you're anything like us, "more realistic swing" means more balls in the water and rough
Total:
"Guitar Hero: Smash Hits" (June 16) -- You must defeat Joel Zumaya to stand a chance
Minus two ice chests: Warmed-over compilation of songs from previous GH's …
Plus three ice chests: … now playable with entire band!
Minus one ice chest: Assuming you have friends
Plus three ice chests: "Free Bird" made the cut
Total:
"Fight Night Round 4" (June 30) -- Punch-drunk love
Plus four ice chests: Best-looking, most sophisticated boxing sim yet
Minus two ice chests: Won't be as fun as "Wii Sports" boxing
Total:
"NCAA Football 10" (July 14) -- Only game series to ever feature Joey Harrington on the cover
Plus two ice chests: Now with create-a-school
Minus two ice chests: Already contains every school worth caring about
Plus three ice chests: Buy now, before Sam Keller's lawsuit ruins the rosters in "NCAA 11"
Total:
"Wii Sports Resort" (July 26) -- Best game ever gets a follow-up
Plus three ice chests: Uses new Wii controls for updated golf
Plus one ice chest: And table tennis
Plus two ice chests: And sword fighting
Minus one ice chest: And Frisbee fetching with a virtual dog
Total:
"Madden NFL 10" (August 14) -- It happens every August
Plus four ice chests: EA promising actual pass pockets, better line play, improved presentation and lots more
Minus four ice chests: EA promises the same stuff every year
Plus four ice chests: Like you're not going to buy it
Total:
Books and Music
"Rebirth" (June 23) -- Lil Wayne as … a pop rocker?
Plus five ice chests: Guitars, strings could equal genius reinvention …
Minus one ice chest: … or Garth Brooks as Chris Gaines fiasco
Minus one ice chest: Avril Lavigne cameo. Um, what?
Total:
Crue Fest 2 (July 19-Fall) -- Tommy Lee & Co. still touring, alive
Plus three ice chests: Band promises to play classic "Dr. Feelgood" album ice chestt to finish …
Minus three ice chests: … mostly 'cause they haven't recorded anything worthwhile since
Plus one ice chest: On-stage sexy nurses almost guaranteed
Total:
"Strokes of Genius" (June 4) -- SI writer on Federer-Nadal Wimbledon '08 epic
Plus three ice chests: Picked a heck of a match …
Minus two ice chests: … that's readily available on ESPN Classic
Plus one ice chest: Kudos for not including "changed America" or "saved the world" in subtitle
Total:
"Satchel" (June 9) -- Biography of legendary pitcher Satchel Paige
Plus four ice chests: A life worth looking back on, even if the past is gaining
Minus one ice chest: No steroids, no scandal, no clubbies and toothpaste … do they make baseball books like that anymore?
Total:
"Roses & Thorns" (June 23) -- Bret Michaels -- yes, that Bret Michaels -- pens a tell-all
Plus five ice chests: Bret Michaels can read!
Minus five ice chests: Everything you need to know already can be found on VH1
Total: Zero ice chests
Television
"The Tonight Show" (June 1) -- Conan O'Brien takes over
Plus four ice chests: O'Brien actually funny …
Minus two ice chests: … but for how long in a middlebrow time slot?
Plus one ice chest: Bring back Pimpbot 5000!
Total:
"Hammertime" (June 14) -- "Osbournes"-style show not to be confused with the "Hammerman" cartoon
Plus two ice chests: It's Hammer!
Minus one ice chest: No poofy pants
Minus one ice chest: Already blew his fortune on the ponies
Plus one ice chest: Sweetness … is our weakness!
Total:
"The Superice chests" (June 23-July 28) -- Athletes and celebs compete in '70s remake
Plus five ice chests: T.O. and Dan Cortese? Pinch us
Minus one ice chest: Kayaking is still kayaking, even if Ali Landry is pulling the oars
Minus one ice chest: "Superice chests" concept downright quaint in "Surreal Life" era
Total:
"More to Love" (July 28) -- "The Bachelor," but with -- ahem -- plus-size contestants
Plus two ice chests: Reality TV getting … real?
Minus two ice chests: Isn't television supposed to be an escape from the pudgy, plain-looking people in the mirror?
Total: Zero ice chests
Travel
Hiking -- Nature, without all the scary predators
Plus two ice chests: Fresh air for the body
Plus three ice chests: Solitude for the soul
Minus three ice chests: Lunch for ravenous mosquitoes
Total:
The Beach -- Where the seaweed meets the muddy sand
Plus four ice chests: Bikinis!
Minus three ice chests: On people who should know better
Plus three ice chests: With any luck, could be in background during local news "summer of shark" live stand-up
Total:
Theme Parks -- If it isn't Disney©, it's not worth going
Plus five ice chests: Happiest place on Earth©
Minus one ice chest: ESPN The Weekend© already happened
Minus two ice chests: Space Mountain line a psychological torture experiment
Total:
Cruise Ship -- I'm king of the buffet!
Plus two ice chests: Calypso music
Minus two ice chests: Endless calypso music
Plus one ice chest: Piracy mostly confined to Somali coast
Total:
Europe -- Where they care about David Beckham
Plus five ice chests: Amazing sightseeing, cultural treasures
Minus one ice chest: Hotel rooms are tiny
Minus one ice chest: Beach soccer an acceptable TV sport
Total:
Local Shopping Mall -- The former home of Chess King
Plus one ice chest: Air-conditioned
Plus one ice chest: Plentiful smoothies
Minus two ice chests: Offers no real protection during zombie apocalypse
Total: Zero ice chests
Everything Else
Swimming Pool -- Come on in, the water's -- gack -- chlorinated
Minus three ice chests: Requires regular cleaning
Plus four ice chests: Cleaning can be outsourced to robots
Plus three ice chests: Cannonball uber alles
Total:
Backyard Barbecue -- If needing more lighter fluid is wrong, we don't want to be right
Plus two ice chests: Great way to see friends
Plus three ice chests: Better way to drink beer
Minus one ice chest: At this rate, those coals will be ready by Labor Day
Total:
Pickup Basketball -- Takin' ruptured Achilles tendons to the streets
Plus three ice chests: Summer runs abundant
Minus one ice chest: Sorry, Will Smith, but basketball courts do not have girls there
Minus one ice chest: Too similar to vaguely creepy lemon-lime soft drink commercials
Total:
Tubing -- Most enjoyable sunburn ever
Plus five ice chests: Just plain fun
Minus one ice chest: Vaguely reminiscent of old-school Mountain Dew ads
Total:
Web Surfing -- The thing you're doing right now
Plus five ice chests: Every click on ESPN.com is more ad revenue for us
Minus three ice chests: Every click on Perez Hilton is 20 dead brain cells you won't get back
Minus one ice chest: This is the way the world ends: not with a bang, but with a Tweet
Total:
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2.
