Commentary

LeBron James' busy NYC schedule

Originally Published: November 6, 2009
By Patrick Hruby and Toby Mergler | Page 2

In case you haven't heard, LeBron James visited Madison Square Garden on Friday night, marking New York's first opportunity this season to impress the coveted free-agent-to-be. Just how much would Gotham like to land basketball's biggest star? Page 2's ever-dubious network of sources procured a copy of his itinerary for the day:

9:30 a.m.: Ring opening bell on New York Stock Exchange

9:35 a.m.: Option to purchase Goldman Sachs preferred shares at $0.50 per

10:10 a.m.: Audience with Mayor Bloomberg

10:20 a.m.: Audience with Bill Clinton

11 a.m.-12 p.m.:Audience with Jay-Z

12:30 p.m.: Visit Yankee Stadium

12:40 p.m.: Offer of own statue in Monument Park

12:45 p.m.: Bestowal of honorary True Yankee™ title (Derek Jeter performs knighting ceremony with Babe Ruth bat)

1:30 p.m.: Address United Nations. Subject: global icon initiative

1:55 p.m.: Appointment as U.N. Goodwill to Nike Ambassador

2:30 p.m.: Visit Children's Television Workshop: pitch meeting, all-LeBron puppet "Sesame Street"

3:00 p.m.: Reenactment of Yankee victory parade, Canyon of Hero (LeBron only)

4:20 p.m.: Visit Ellis Island, Statue of Liberty

4:25 p.m.: Unveiling of Statue of Liberty renovations (basketball for torch; headband for crown)

5:15 p.m.: Times Square: face simultaneously projected on every video screen (Note: voice also played in backseat of every taxi cab, replacing Ed Asner)

5:45 p.m.: Ceremonial tarring, feathering of Braylon Edwards

5:55 p.m.: Official banishment of Edwards to UFL

6:20 p.m.: Arrive Madison Square Garden: trumpets, New York Air National Guard flyover, ritual virgin sacrifice (optional)

6:35 p.m.: Presentation of gold, frankincense and myrrh by Knicks executives

6:45 p.m.: Anointing of feet by Mike D'Antoni

7:00 p.m.: Power Point presentation: the 1973 New York Knicks

7:15 p.m.: Formal apology for every Knicks team since (presented by Bill Bradley)

7:50 p.m.: Pre-game serenade: Placido Domingo, Jose Carreras and Donald Trump

8:00 p.m.: Game: Cavs vs. Knicks

10:30 p.m.: Postgame shower, interviews, fruit basket (courtesy of Regis)

11:35 p.m.: Board private stealth submarine owned by Mikhail Prokhorov. Over cocktails served by Eastern European model-assassins, discuss white cats, global domination, ruble-dollar exchange rate and New Jersey Nets.