LeBron James' busy NYC schedule
In case you haven't heard, LeBron James visited Madison Square Garden on Friday night, marking New York's first opportunity this season to impress the coveted free-agent-to-be. Just how much would Gotham like to land basketball's biggest star? Page 2's ever-dubious network of sources procured a copy of his itinerary for the day:
9:30 a.m.: Ring opening bell on New York Stock Exchange
9:35 a.m.: Option to purchase Goldman Sachs preferred shares at $0.50 per
10:10 a.m.: Audience with Mayor Bloomberg
10:20 a.m.: Audience with Bill Clinton
11 a.m.-12 p.m.:Audience with Jay-Z
12:30 p.m.: Visit Yankee Stadium
12:40 p.m.: Offer of own statue in Monument Park
12:45 p.m.: Bestowal of honorary True Yankee™ title (Derek Jeter performs knighting ceremony with Babe Ruth bat)
1:30 p.m.: Address United Nations. Subject: global icon initiative
1:55 p.m.: Appointment as U.N. Goodwill to Nike Ambassador
2:30 p.m.: Visit Children's Television Workshop: pitch meeting, all-LeBron puppet "Sesame Street"
3:00 p.m.: Reenactment of Yankee victory parade, Canyon of Hero (LeBron only)
4:20 p.m.: Visit Ellis Island, Statue of Liberty
4:25 p.m.: Unveiling of Statue of Liberty renovations (basketball for torch; headband for crown)
5:15 p.m.: Times Square: face simultaneously projected on every video screen (Note: voice also played in backseat of every taxi cab, replacing Ed Asner)
5:45 p.m.: Ceremonial tarring, feathering of Braylon Edwards
5:55 p.m.: Official banishment of Edwards to UFL
6:20 p.m.: Arrive Madison Square Garden: trumpets, New York Air National Guard flyover, ritual virgin sacrifice (optional)
6:35 p.m.: Presentation of gold, frankincense and myrrh by Knicks executives
6:45 p.m.: Anointing of feet by Mike D'Antoni
7:00 p.m.: Power Point presentation: the 1973 New York Knicks
7:15 p.m.: Formal apology for every Knicks team since (presented by Bill Bradley)
7:50 p.m.: Pre-game serenade: Placido Domingo, Jose Carreras and Donald Trump
8:00 p.m.: Game: Cavs vs. Knicks
10:30 p.m.: Postgame shower, interviews, fruit basket (courtesy of Regis)
11:35 p.m.: Board private stealth submarine owned by Mikhail Prokhorov. Over cocktails served by Eastern European model-assassins, discuss white cats, global domination, ruble-dollar exchange rate and New Jersey Nets.
