Page 2 Power Rankings: Odom edition
Welcome to another edition of Page 2's weekly Power Rankings, where the confusion of a world in which Ron Artest suggests he be pelted with tomatoes as a possible punishment -- yet is not, in fact, a character in a Nathaniel Hawthorne story -- is replaced by the clarity of making a list:
Now with 50 percent more crazy, mixed-uppedness
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| 7 | 9 | 10 | 20 |  |
Credentials: Presenting the Page 2 Power Rankings Occasional Tableau of Improbable Odds ®:
Jerry Jones completion of fully operational battle station: 3-1
Odds that more than 1 percent of Americans will care about Paula Abdul's exceeding single-digits one year from now: 25-1
Bill Belichick coaching game in tuxedo: 75-1
President Palin: 100-1
President Franken: 500-1
Senator Schilling: 10,000-1
Chance that the Page 2 Power Rankings will be credited for dubbing Olivia Wilde "the thinking man's Megan Fox": 12,000-1
National sports networks ignoring a Brett Favre fingernail injury: 50,000-1
Lenny Dykstra appointed chairman of Federal Reserve: 1,000,000,000-1
Odom-Kardashian sex tape produced by Joe Francis: Even
D.C. bails out Detroit yet again
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Credentials: Victory is theirs! Optimist: More wins to come. Pessimist: Team still 1-18 in past 19 contests. Realist: Team defeated Washington Redskins.
Really, it's just that fun
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| 9 | 5 | 10 | 10 | |
Credentials: Florida police -- and seriously, were you expecting any other state in the union? -- take time during guns-drawn raid of drug dealer's home to play Wii bowling. Does this indicate that real-life police work isn't "CSI" and that cops' jobs can be just as boring as yours? Sure. (Hey, if someone dropped a Wii in your office break room, you wouldn't play?) That said, it's also a sign of Nintendo's scary genius. In an age of ultra-complex video games that require hours of practice and the ability to manipulate eight-plus controller buttons in the manner of an F-15 fighter pilot -- an age when "Madden" demands Jedi John training gamers on a virtual football holodeck -- the Wii is simple. Accessible. Anyone can pick up a controller and have fun in about five minutes: little kids, senior citizens, on-duty cops. Bottom line: Grasp why the Wii is popular, and you'll grasp why the iPod is popular -- not to mention why Twitter is Galvatron-ing the planet.
Probably an actress or something. Who cares?
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Credentials: Pop quiz time. Again. Remove pencil from ear:
1. Which of the following is NOT among Thomas Aquinas' five classic proofs of the existence of God?
(a) First Mover
(b) Necessary Being
(c) Greatest Being
(d) Intelligent Designer
(e) The cover of this month's GQ magazine
Answer key: e, but only because Aquinas predates Wilde by roughly 700 years.
What's the big deal?
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Credentials Russian oligarch's bid to buy New Jersey Nets provokes handwringing over the sources of Prokhorov's $9.5 billion fortune -- organized crime? government corruption? -- while ignoring that homegrown former NFL owners Clint Murchison Jr., Hugh Culverhouse, Eddie DeBartolo and current Raiders owner Al Davis allegedly have links to organized crime. Lighten up. Cash is cash. Better to have it overpaying basketball players than funding shady business deals. LeBron to the Nets!
Coach 'em up!
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Credentials: India's national cricket team reportedly encouraged by coach Gary Kirsten to have prematch sex as a way of boosting performance. How so? An advisory document given to players claims "having sex increases testosterone levels, which can cause an increase in strength, energy, aggression and competitiveness -- conversely, not having sex for a period of a few months causes a significant drop in testosterone levels, with corresponding passiveness and decrease in aggression." In related news, Gary Kirsten has never seen a Tim Tebow locker room speech.
History really does belong to those who swing from the heels
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| 6 | 6 | 10 | 8 |  |
Credentials: Arizona Diamondbacks third baseman breaks his own single-season strikeout record with his 205th whiff, prompting a Page 2 Power Rankings Special Investigation:
Items on Mark Reynolds' bookshelf:
"The Bounce Back Book: How to Thrive in the Face of Adversity, Setbacks and Losses"
"Trump: The Art of the Comeback"
"The Little Book of Failure"
"The Little Book of Zen"
"Baseball for Dummies" by Joe Morgan
"What Color Is Your Parachute?"
Items not on Mark Reynolds's bookshelf:
"Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game"
BMOC
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Credentials: Sporting News names former USC quarterback and 2004 Heisman Trophy winner the college football player of the decade, an honor he ought to have printed on the bill of his Arizona Cardinals baseball cap. Just so everyone can see it.
Consistently clearing the limbo bar of fail
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Credentials: Former MLB'er-cum-investing-savant-turned-cautionary-financial-fable sells his 1986 World Series ring and other prized baseball possessions to a Beverly Hills pawn shop, a sale caught on tape by a Japanese television crew. Which raises the obvious monetary question: Is the American media so broke that it gets scooped by a Japanese crew that had to cross the Pacific Ocean to get the story? If so, then the future of journalism is bleaker than we thought. (100 percent true: The Japanese crew was filming a piece on problems in the American economy. Oh, the humanity!)
Lean Green Fighting ... um, what?
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Credentials: Aging pugilist announces upcoming bout in South Korea (of course) against an unnamed, unknown opponent (of course) for the purpose of cash stroking his inflated fighting ego spreading a message about environmental preservation and "the fight against global warming." In related news, Evander Holyfield has invented a solar-powered jet plane that can fly to South Korea and back without emitting greenhouse gases; in other related-related news, the National Academy of Science has announced that the most effective counter to the greenhouse effect is knowing when you've taken too many punches.
Unheard of, unprecedented, unbelievably cool, and possible insane
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Credentials: Oregon football coach Kelley receives angry e-mail from fan displeased over the Ducks' season-opening road loss to Boise State, complete with invoice for fan's expenses for trip to game. In response, Kelly replies with a personal check for the $439 on the receipt. Which is why Chip Kelley is a college football coach, and not the owner of the Dallas Cowboys.
Who knew?
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| 3 | 10 | 6 | 9 | |
Credentials: A new documentary film, "Wages of Spin," documents the early days of "American Bandstand," during which longtime show host and beloved television icon Dick Clark reportedly had interests in dozens of companies that profited from "Bandstand," mysteriously acquired the copyrights to at least 143 songs (including hits that received preferential treatment on the show) and demanded that young performers turn over the union-mandated fees they received for their show appearances. In other words, Dick Clark is actually more evil than Sith apprentice Ryan Seacrest.
Not the frozen pizzas you're looking for
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Credentials: The founder of the Jedi religion -- note: not a misprint -- accuses a British supermarket chain of discrimination after a store ordered him to remove his hood or leave the store. Responds the chain: "If Jedi walk around our stores with their hoods on, they'll miss a lot of special offers." Touché!
Also receiving votes:
• D-League owner attempts to set up one-on-one charity game between Michael Jordan and Bryon Russell, demonstrating ongoing mastery of staging basketball events no one wants to watch.
• Redskins' rookie Robert Henson apologizes for calling team's fans "dimwits" via Twitter, does not apologize for unintentional irony of calling anyone a dimwit via Twitter.
• Curt Schilling announces on "Joe Buck Live" that he does not intend to run for the U.S. Senate, which is a lot like Orrin Hatch telling "Meet the Press" he does not intend to try out for the San Diego Padres.
Never receiving votes:
• Lane Kiffin. Urban Meyer. Continued sniping. Get a room, already!
• Philadelphia Eagles cut Kendra, add Carmella DeCesare. Like swapping Brandon Jacobs for Marion Barber.
• Michael Moore releases anti-capitalism mockumentary, charges money for tickets.
• University of Minnesota announces plans to not allow students who get kicked out of a football game for drunken rowdiness to attend subsequent games unless they pass an alcohol breath test at the gate. Is this covered by the Patriot Act?
• A South African man's attempt to break the world record for handling venomous snakes -- spending 121 days with 40 snakes -- ended with a puff adder bite that occurred as the man was handling a black mamba ... after which the man said he had been bitten 28 times in his life and that this was the most stupid. We'd add a joke, but that would be as redundant as "most" and "stupid."
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2.
