Dear College Basketball Season:

Six months ago, you left to get a pack of smokes or something. Now you're finally back. Thursday night, schools across America will tip off Evening Madness, now that the NCAA is allowing practice to start at 7 p.m. instead of midnight. Thank goodness, for I'm too far removed from collegial drinking to attend anything starting that late.

Now that you're here, I've but one question -- what the $#!@ took you so long?

You've got cable. You understand the misery my folks and I have been going through the past month and a half. I live on Tobacco Road, smack dab in ACC country. That makes winter and early spring wonderful, because that's when you treat us the best. And, usually, football season is decent enough to occupy our time while we wait for you to come back.

I know that you come the same time every year, but this year there have been extenuating circumstances. The ACC has been college football hell this season. There are three ACC teams in the 919 area code, and they have two wins against Division I-A opponents between them. Both of those victories belong to NC State, but the Wolfpack lost at home to Akron this season. Not one of those MAC schools with a beast quarterback or running back, mind you -- just Akron, a team fueled by non-qualifiers, according to Chuck Amato. Amato's posse of pocket-protected nerds just couldn't compete, I s'pose.

How bad has it been? It's entirely possible that the best team in the 919 is North Carolina Central, which is undefeated and ranked in the top 10. The Division II top 10.

Need more? As Carolina prepared to play Miami in the Orange Bowl last weekend, Tar Heels and Hurricanes fans were both rooting for their opponents (something, I admit, I had a small hand in). Each felt that a loss would be the shortest distance to a new coach -- a move that's as smart as it is depressing.

What's worse? There probably will be a lot more games like that before the season is done. Of the 12 schools in the conference, only Clemson, Wake Forest, Boston College, Virginia Tech and Georgia Tech don't have major coaching issues (and this time last year, Tommy Bowden's seat was hot as a firecracker). That means almost two-thirds of the league is in a state of chaos! Even Bobby Bowden, who has won something like 5,850 games in his career, needs to fire both of his coordinators. While bashing his son Jeff's offense, it seems a few people haven't noticed that Mickey Andrews can be slow to make adjustments on defense.

Yet you sat idly by and watched us suffer.

Check out what you did to my poor insurance agent, a Carolina grad. I sent him a business-related e-mail the other day. At the end, I asked him how he was doing. This was his response (which was shortened for length):

"Everything is great!!!! Can't wait for basketball …"

After I mentioned that I agreed with him, he just broke down:

"I just get so angry. I cheered at UNC when we had a top-10 football team and as always a top-10 basketball team. I cheered at three Final Fours and four bowl games … and now I have to go to Kenan Stadium on a beautiful Saturday and watch Furman!!!!!! Drag our miserable asses up and down the field."

I swear, I just had a question about my policy.

He's a really nice dude, too. And you let him get like this? He sent this from his job! His boss could have been reading that, and he still sent it. Hell, his boss probably agrees.

Every week, I talk to a guy named Jeremy Fuller. Jeremy is a football manager at Duke, and I ask him how the team is looking. He always tells me to get ready for a "37-0 victory."

I assure you that Jeremy's pretty bright. I was his teaching assistant in a program this summer, one that prepares students for graduate study in economics.

So the fact that he would utter such a thing means only one thing -- the misery has driven the poor guy to drink.

Things wouldn't be like this if you were around.

You have withheld exciting recruiting classes at Carolina, Duke and Georgia Tech from us. You kept Jared Dudley and Sean Williams, both of whom will have strong seasons at Boston College, from us.

The Tyler Hansbrough vs. Josh McRoberts heavyweight bout for ACC Player of the Year? Still waiting to see that play out.

Al Thornton, Sean Singletary and Coleman Collins? Distant memories.

Instead, you gave us nothing. After all we've done for you, all the time we've spent singing your praises and, in some cases, praying for the privilege of paying too much money for good seats, you didn't care about our anguish.

Are you paying us back for trying to become a "football conference"? Remember when you worried that bringing in Miami, Virginia Tech and Boston College would dilute the quality of basketball in search of gridiron glory? Did you get jealous and think we didn't need you anymore?

Fine. Here it is, if it'll make you happy -- you run this conference, OK? Somehow, we tried to beef up football and wound up being the worst BCS conference. The Big East, which was supposed to be decimated by those defections, has three teams that probably could beat every team in the ACC. It was bad enough that forcing the Big East to reshuffle turned it into a better basketball conference than the ACC, but this, too?

The only transcendent football player in the conference, Georgia Tech wide receiver Calvin Johnson, has a quarterback who struggles to get him the ball at times. The only must-see unit is Clemson's three-headed backfield, which might be the best, from top to bottom, in the country.

But that's all we've got. It's not very entertaining, unless you're the type that actually laughs at laughingstocks. That's just a figure of speech, you know.

I hate you so much right now.

Awww, shucks, you know I can't stay mad at you. Man, I'm so glad to see you.

We know you've got a lot to give us. Schools all over the country are raving about their recruiting classes, potentially the most impressive collection of incoming talent ever. The folks in Florida are dreaming of the possibility of back-to-back champions (well, at least they will be after the SEC championship game). I won't tell them to remember what happened in '95 when Arkansas brought back all its major players, nor will I remind them about the '98 Arizona team. That would be hating, which is rather unbecoming. Instead, I'll let them be thrilled to see you.

And we haven't even talked about Greg Oden yet.

But here in the ACC, most years we need you more than the rest of the country does. You are the cultural phenomenon that brings us all together. You're the reason that any two people, no matter what their differences, have at least one thing to talk about. You're the reason most of us have cable. You keep us warm in the winter, and it gets a little chillier whenever you leave.

And that's just in the average year. We don't just need you this year. We need you. Like people need to breathe. Like folks in Houston need air conditioning in the summer.

So Thursday night, I'll welcome you with open arms. I'll be at the Dean Dome for "Late Night with Roy" because I will not take you for granted. I will heap all thanks and praises upon you. I'll greet you like it's '83 and you're wearing a leather jacket with a bunch of zippers.

Welcome back.

Cheers,

Bomani

Bomani Jones is a frequent contributor to Page 2. Tell him how you feel at readers@bomanijones.com.