6. Wealth redistribution
A big knock on Kobe is that he doesn't make his teammates better. So from now on, for every basket he scores, he donates one point to a teammate. Every other assist, rebound, steal or block also goes toward a teammate's stat line. The better he plays, the better everyone else looks. If he can't actually make them better, he'll make them superficially better.
7. Bring on the bling
When Kobe's "troubles" began in Colorado, it's clear he called his jeweler before his lawyer. Smart move. Vanessa saw the light (or sparkle, as it were). Well, members of the media love swag. And fortunately for Bryant, we can be bought for far less. A really good cheeseburger will do the trick, at least for those of us without regular TV gigs. Maybe we can all get together for one giant recommitment ceremony.
8. Kobe: The Series
Kobe's not accessible. Kobe's aloof. Kobe never lets anyone in. Well, our society has developed a solution to those sorts of problems. It's called reality television. If Doug Christie can have his own show (even one nobody watches), why can't Kobe Bryant? Less appealing people have become huge reality TV stars (Omarosa, anyone?), and he'll never seem like a stranger again.
9. Kobe Bryant: Team Mom
This bump in the road is nothing a few halftime orange slices couldn't cure. Maybe some Cokes after the game? Perhaps he could institute a car pool and take Devean George, Slava Medvedenko and Luke Walton home after practices. Or host a team sleepover and read everyone a bedtime story? (But no Truth or Dare, please!) How heartwarming would that be?
10. Blame Canada
Kobe can win over the "Made in the USA" crowd with aggressive patriotism. Point out whenever possible how horrible it is that the MVP award no longer resides on American soil (we're not going to quibble about where Nash actually lives). That he will not rest until it's back. There's got to be one flag-waving, Fox News-watching MVP voter out there who will be swayed by the propaganda.