"I bust my ass every day, I have a bad day and you've got a bunch of dumb-ass people who want to boo you. But they pay their money, if they want to do that, more power to them."
-- Jay Payton, responding to the reaction from Oakland fans after he misplayed three balls in the outfield in Sunday's loss to the Rangers.

There are rules out there -- some are written down, some you have to figure out on your own. You'll make mistakes, but our job here at the academy is to limit the frequency of the mistakes while minimizing their severity.

First of all, if you're planning on becoming a professional athlete, you have to understand that nobody has ever come out ahead by criticizing or questioning the hometown fans. And please, whatever you do, don't insult their intelligence.

So, for all you kids out there, a few tips on how to handle the occasional bout of hometown insurrection.

1) Think before firing. In general, thinking is highly underrated. Sure, you might be a little upset with the reaction of the fans to your horrendous play. They obviously don't understand your feelings or your dedication, and they surely aren't interested in a rundown of your career successes to this point.

2) Limit your self-defense. They don't want to be reminded that you usually don't miss three fly balls in the course of one nine-inning game. They've just seen you do it, and they've let you know they don't appreciate it. So before you spout, take a deep breath and think about it.

3) Laugh. Of course it's not funny, but a little levity can go a long way. Toss out a sarcastic comment ("I'd boo me, too.") and let it go at that. A little self-depreciation can go a long way toward buying you some goodwill for the next time you misplay three balls and cost your team a game.

4) Leave money out of it. They're not booing you because they paid money to see the game. They're booing you because you keep missing the damn ball. Keep that in mind.

5) Avoid buzzwords. Dumb-ass? Definitely the wrong adjective. I mean, come on -- at least give us something to work with here.

This Week's List
• He must have watched the Little League World Series, and you know what they say about kids imitating what they see on television: I have never seen a big leaguer more excited about hitting a home run than Ramon Ortiz on Monday.

• You have to figure Bill Parcells knew his roster might present some problems, but this probably wasn't one of them: Mike Vanderjagt.

• Nobody's insinuating anything here, but facts are facts: It's pretty weird how much better Barry Bonds has gotten -- and so quickly -- with a month left in the season.

• What, you expected it to be easy with this guy?: Bonds will end the season with enough career homers to put the Giants in a very difficult position when it comes to deciding whether to re-sign him for next season.

• Somebody somewhere is calling this a "choke": Vijay Singh entered Monday's final round with a three-stroke lead, shot a 3-under 68 and lost.

• Just for the heck of it: Boots Day.

Continued...